Touch Me I'm Going to Scream // [Stucky]

Chapter 9

The erratic thoughts have been increasing and getting more troubling. James knows the reason is that he hasn't been wiped and placed into his cryo-chamber but the Avengers don't need to know about all this. You just have to wait for HYDRA to retrieve you, he's been repeating to himself for hours but the thing is... that's exactly what's kept him vigil throughout the night. And there is where the most worrying thought had begun and he hadn't found a way to stop the ideas that had followed it.

What if HYDRA doesn't come?

All had started from there. What if they can't find him now that he doesn't have the tracking chips? What if they aren't interested in finding him? After all, he's been failing to carry out his mission with the quality HYDRA requires from their best weapon. The thought is terrifying at first, imagining a world where he doesn't know what to do, where to go. He stares intently at the white ceiling, trying to imagine a future like that and his brain comes blank.

After a few hours, a different thought had started forming, timidly at first and then eclipsing everything else.

What if HYDRA left me here?

It didn't have to be with the Avengers since James didn't feel more welcomed with them than with HYDRA—

His brain had come to a halt at that moment because... he had received medical treatment and been operated on without even asking for it. His wounds are healing since the chemicals from whatever they inject him with before taking disciplinary actions are wearing off. He feels like the room is warmer—not enough for his limbs to stop shivering but it's better. It's not the first time he's been captured and that's how he knows this treatment he's receiving is odd.

So... what if HYDRA doesn't come for me?

His head hurts just from thinking about all the things he could do or learn to do. It scares him and there is a part of him—one pretty big—that prefers what he already knows instead of venturing into the unknown. Perhaps he's not made for the outside, for living without a handler, a mission, a chair that makes him forget and forces him to start over with only HYDRA protocols and the necessary skills to complete a mission stored inside his brain.

The Soldier forces himself to imagine a scenario where he tries to kill Steve Rogers or the daughter of his last mission. His brain sends an electrical message to his stomach and James fights off the bile that rises up his esophagus.

Once again, his dilemma is settled by the fact that his sudden desires don't matter; HYDRA will come for him and they will take the disciplinary actions they see fit.

There's a knock on the door and James shifts his eyes away from the ceiling. His lids feel heavy due to lack of sleep and painkillers still being pumped into his system. He would want to ask someone to get him off the sedatives too but he knows they're doing it for safety. The Soldier—James doesn't want to fight anyone but he understands their reservations.

Steve Rogers opens the door and asks if he can come in. James wonders if it's one of those jokes he doesn't get. He shrugs a shoulder and tries not to nod off.

"Hey," Steve Rogers greets with a wave of his hand.

James would like to ask him what questions he wants him to answer today but he feels drained. He tries to appear less weak but he doesn't really remember how to do that. He thinks it may be because of being in such a different place and needing longer to read its people. He gets his hand from under the blanket and balls it into a fist as subtly as possible, feeling the IV shift into his skin. His head feels full of air.

Steve Rogers drags a chair near the bed and the noise is like claws scratching at his brain. James notices then that the other man is carrying something in his hands. His sight is blurry and he makes an inquiring noise at the back of his throat.