Touch Me I'm Going to Scream // [Stucky]

Chapter 18

There are still days when Steve needs a moment to adjust to his new body. He has to feel his lungs expand without any wheezing, his back not hurt from spending a long period of time in the same position, and he has to make sure he hears clearly now that he isn't partially deaf. This is one of those mornings when he feels grateful for what Dr. Erskine did for him, for whatever worth he saw in him. One of those mornings he feels completely undeserving.

Steve shifts on the mattress and an odd thing happens but he doesn't register it until it happens again. His face nuzzles in the pillow and his legs shift and it's then that his body finally sends a message to his brain: he feels the arm around him, the leg between his own, the chest pressed to his back, the breath ruffling the hair at the back of his head. Steve hears the deep breathing and a part of his brain tells him not to worry, that he's in no danger.

He can't know the time it is but his internal clock tells him it's pretty late. Steve doesn't feel like getting out of bed, doesn't feel like taking a shower and shaving, doesn't feel like eating. Any other day—one where he were to wake up alone in bed, in his own bedroom that is washed by the sun over the course of the day—and Steve would have forced himself to face the day, but—

Bucky grumbles something that sounds unhappy and Steve's hand grabs the man's forearm which then tightens its hold on Steve. Bucky moans something about not finding his nose and could you please give it back, I need it.

This also seems to be one of those days when everything reminds him of his mother. Sarah had also talked in her sleep. Steve would hold conversations with her, ones that could last for an impressive stretch of time. Part of him wants to try the same thing with Bucky, find out if he will answer if Steve talks to him. Another one, more vehement, strongly rejects the notion. He tries to reason with himself that it's not like he will replace one set of memories with another—but in days like these, it's no use.

On days like this, the past feels like a physical presence that won't let him move.

Steve closes his eyes and reminisces about his mom and he can almost feel her fingers in his hair. He remembers Sarah holding him close in nights they weren't sure he was going to make it to see another day.

He holds his breath and waits for the impulse to shake Bucky off to pass.

As if sensing a change in the atmosphere, Bucky's arm slides to Steve's chest, t-shirt riding up, and he presses impossibly closer.

"Don't eat the ladybug," Bucky murmurs against Steve's neck and just like that his bad mood is gone.

Steve snorts. "I've heard bugs are all protein," he comments off-handedly.

"No, that's my ladybug," Bucky whines and Steve almost doesn't recognize his voice, turned juvenile and devoid of its usual hesitance.

Not for the first time, Steve tries to imagine a Bucky before HYDRA. Now, though, he disposes of additional information—or at least he's aware of the existence of said information. The Howlies had always highlighted the man's bravery and talked about his humor. Dum Dum, the only one who had known him before all of the Howling Commandoes got taken by HYDRA in Austria, had said that Sarge was always able to cheer up his fellow soldiers and convince anyone to go for a drink to the closest place that could sell them some alcohol. During missions, he had also commented on more than one occasion how useful would be Sarge's great skills as a marksman. It seems HYDRA took notice of his skillset as well.

"Do you want to eat the ladybug?" Steve asks in a hushed tone, not wanting to wake him up.

Bucky makes a distressed sound and Steve tries to hold a laugh.

"What do you want to eat, then?" he carries on with the absurd conversation. Steve's eyes close and his hand wraps around the one on his chest, thumb rubbing the soft skin.