Touch Me I'm Going to Scream // [Stucky]

Chapter 19

Bucky can't really make himself appreciate the private gym. He now remembers the one he went to when he lived in Brooklyn and recognizes that this one is way fancier but... It just seems too sterile. It reminds him more of HYDRA's labs than their gymnasiums. Those he remembers too, the place where he was taken to be trained and to train others. This one and HYDRA's are radically different.

Nonetheless, he sits on a bench and he exercises because it's what's expected of him. At some point, though, he just sits and watches Steve run. Bucky declined when Steve asked if he wanted to use one of the treadmills; he doesn't feel like running, especially if it won't take him anywhere.

He observes Steve's concentrated expression and tries to find the man from the movie he and the other soldiers watched during the war. It's difficult, especially now that Steve's face is covered in stubble and his features look sharper and hardened by life. But he's there—some of that man is there. Bucky doesn't remember the whole film but the man he watched looked fairly different from the one he has before him, even smaller.

Bucky leans forward on his knees, counting the differences—maybe it's because Steve's shoulders are square, his spine straight and his head high. Steve is sprinting now and he looks in deep concentration. Bucky gets to his feet and hesitates for a moment. He doesn't feel comfortable leaving the gym without anyone's consent, neither leaving Steve's side.

Bucky takes a look at the large room, the shiny machines, the wide windows... He takes a step back from them. The world behind those windows... Right now, Bucky doesn't want to have anything to do with it, he wouldn't know how to cope. His breath is already picking up just by thinking about all that is waiting for him out of these walls.

There isn't much to do here if one refuses to exercise so Bucky's attention returns to Steve. He's properly sweating now and his respiration is accelerated. It looks like he's trying to escape something and Bucky almost tells him that much.

Bucky is hovering near the treadmills when Steve stops running and dries his sweat with a towel. He stops on his feet when he sees Bucky, as if he had forgotten he was here.

"Hey, Buck."

Bucky knows he made things awkward for the two of them, could see it all over Steve's face, but he felt it was what he needed to do. He can't be in a room alone, he feels like he needs someone's approval every time he wants to do something, he fucking needs someone to hold him while he sleeps. In all three cases that someone is Steve. Bucky isn't stupid, he knows that behavior isn't practical if he expects to recover his autonomy. Also, it can't be pleasant to be responsible for a person you barely know, one that attacked you and your friends, that put one of them in a hospital bed.

All in all, it's humiliating to remember all the things Steve has agreed to do for Bucky because he wasn't able to do them himself or... Or just wanted someone to help him.

It's strange to think that person is the same guy he watched in a black and white movie, decades ago, shooting a fake gun and killing fake Nazis. Bucky had detested the man at the time, knowing he was safe and playing make-believe while Bucky was risking his life along with his brothers in arms. He also remembers his other thoughts regarding the blond man in the movie, thoughts he couldn't share with his fellow soldiers and just another reason why he decided that some distancing was needed.

Bucky tries to redirect his brain to a safer path when his heart jumps inside his chest. "You ready to go?"

Steve looks taken aback by Bucky's blunt words but agrees with a nod. "I only have to take my clothes from the locker room; it'll be just a moment."

Bucky waits for him outside and doesn't look at Steve when he comes back and they enter the elevator. He feels Steve's eyes on him. Steve opens his mouth a couple of times, probably wanting to ask Bucky what crawled up his ass, but he's too polite and in the end he doesn't say anything.