✔️My Magical Stranger// GeminiFourth, FirstKhaotung

*49* His past cannot stand in the way of their big dreams

No matter how happy and strong he was, First could no longer get rid of his dark thoughts, they came back like a boomerang, hurting him all over again.  Sometimes, when no one was around, he would lock himself in a room or bathroom, most often without turning on the light, and let the surrounding darkness creep into his heart and poison all his organs.  Suffering then flowed through his veins like a toxin.  He didn't want to fight anymore.  19 years of suffering and fighting destroyed him too much and he never finally got rid of his memories.  His trauma remained inside him, destroying everything he had tried to build.

That morning he also woke up with a heavy heart and the feeling that he had missed something, that he had made the wrong choice, that what he was doing made no sense.  Some mysterious fear he didn't understand gripped his stomach.  He opened his eyes, looked at Khaotung sleeping peacefully next to him, and quietly slipped away to the bathroom.  He stood in front of the mirror and looked at his reflection critically.  Only now did he notice that wrinkles had appeared on his face, a sure sign of aging.  He sighed deeply, running a hand through his hair.  His gaze fell on his scarred hands.

Despite what he had done and what was currently happening in his life, he couldn't shake his suspicion and anxiety.  His heart was heavy and his own thoughts attacked him like a pack of demons.  He didn't want to fight anymore, even though he knew he couldn't give up, couldn't leave forever, it would hurt Khaotung too much.  He knew Khao loved him, he knew how important he was to him, and he knew how much everyone around him had sacrificed for him to be where he was, but his own mind kept telling him that the world would be a better place without him, that no one  I don't need him and his problems.

He opened the cabinet above the sink, hidden behind a door that had been cleverly transformed into a large mirror.  Inside, apart from the cosmetics, he found a small package: these were sleeping pills prescribed to him by the Non-Magical psychiatrist.  He got it when he admitted that he had been suffering from insomnia for months.  The meeting with the psychiatrist was Khaotung's idea, and he led First there by the hand and sat with him during his first two visits.  Later, First, as promised to his boyfriend, went to subsequent visits alone.  At that time, he was incredibly proud of himself: he had just found out that he was a Magician, that he was a sorcerer, he had found someone who loved him unconditionally and the fact that he was able to handle things on his own without anyone's presence or care seemed to him a huge success,  but now, when he looked back, he felt like he hadn't really done anything great.  And he wasn't even sure anymore whether this magical world really existed or was just a figment of his suffering mind.  He wanted it to be true so much, he wanted to believe that he was really part of a secret organization that was fighting demons, but when he looked into his own eyes, it seemed to him that he was surrounded by madness, that this was not supposed to happen.  This defied logic and common sense.

First took out the package and weighed it in his hands for a moment.

“I don't want to feel what I feel anymore,” he thought, but at the same time his own mind opposed him, replying in a voice that sounded like Khaotung's, “But if I do what I want to do, I will hurt Khao, I will disappoint him.  I know he loves me, I know he sacrificed a lot for me, I can't do this to him.  I have to be strong, I have to keep going and fight.”

But he didn't want to fight at all...

Now he regretted that he had not asked his doctor to prescribe other pills, but he had done it for fear that one of the journalists would find out about him and turn Khaotung's life into hell.

First raised his hand with the ring.

“Why did you do it, Tung?  In front of them all?  Now that they know my name, know who I am and who I was, you will lose everything because of me.  Why didn't you think of that, Tung...?  You know I love you, I love you more than anything in the world.  In my life, I could only say "I love you" to my little brother.  Having you is a great gift, but when will you realize that I'm too damaged to be with you?  My demons... My fights... I will never be free from them.  I am a burden that will drag you down with me to the very bottom.  Please can't you see I'm drowning again?  I feel suffocated and afraid.  I don't want a future because I know that with my dreams I destroy yours.  Today I wish I could turn back time and never meet you, so you wouldn't have to suffer because of me.  What if all this isn't true?  What if it's just a figment of my imagination?  If no Khaotung Thanawat ever held my hand and never became my boyfriend?”