Life Without You

32

"You can only move on if you accept that it's gone." 

* * * 

Sam let me spend the night at his house and he drove me to school the next day too. Sam walked me to every one of my classes and he even skipped his class during my lunch hour so I wouldn't have to sit alone.

Sam didn't want to leave my side and if it was anyone else I would have found it annoying but I didn't want to leave him either. I clung to Sam's side, my body pressed up against his as we walked down the hallways.

I tried my best to seem okay but it was hard. I didn't want to talk. I couldn't smile. Everything I did felt so draining. My head was too full. Full of Dad. Full of Amber. Full of Aaron.

Aaron.

Aaron.

Aaron.

He wouldn't leave my head. He was always there lingering in the back of every thought that crossed my mind. His voice whispered in my ear. His words haunted me.

"What class do you have next?"

And then Sam spoke and my brain put all my focus into him. When Sam was with me it felt like the dark clouds in my head parted and the sun came shining through.

Sam was my sun.

When Sam was talking to me my life faded away and the only two things that existed were me and him. No baggage carried along. Just us and us alone.

"Trigonometry." I told him.

"Is that good or bad?"

I shrugged. "Good, I think." Ever since Sam got me back on track and taught me the basics of trig I had really started to enjoy the class. In math there was only one right answer. You either solved the equation or you didn't. I liked that. I didn't like the uncertainty of English or Art.

"Good." Sam smiled at me like he knew something I didn't.

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

"No reason." Sam shrugged but he couldn't stop smiling.

"What is it, Sam?" I asked.

"I just thought math was bullshit, that's all."

I glared at him playfully. "It was."

"But not anymore?"

"Not anymore." I confirmed.

It was crazy how easily Sam could lift me out of a bad mood. He could say the simplest things and it still made me want to have a conversation with him.

I could hate myself all I wanted but when Sam was around the only thing I could hate was the fact that he wasn't always around.

Sam walked me to my class. "I'll meet you right here when class is over." he said and I nodded before heading into class.

The rest of the day went by in a blur and before I knew it Sam and I were walking to the library for another tutoring session. I didn't want to go tutoring, I honestly didn't even care about going to Florida anymore, but somehow I still allowed myself to follow the same table we had been meeting at for weeks. It was weird but sitting at the table was almost comforting. The happiest I had been since Amber died was when I was sitting right at this table with Sam sitting across from me.

"I think we need to talk."

I sighed. I knew this was coming. It was an inevitable conversation but I still wanted to wait as long as I could to have it.

"About yesterday?" I asked.

"About everything."

I looked down at my hands resting on the table. My heart started to race as I thought about all the things he still didn't know. All the things he would never know.

"I can't force you to tell me what's going on. That's your decision. But telling me or anyone for that matter could really help. There are a lot of resources here at school or you could talk to my mom, she's a therapist, she would know what to do. I just think you have to talk to someone, Sierra."

"I don't have anything to say."

"We both know that isn't true."

"I don't want to have this conversation, Sam." I said, not looking him in the eye.

"I'm not asking you to tell me anything you're uncomfortable with, I just want to make sure you're getting the help you need. What if we talked to your dad about how you've been feeling-"

"No." I cut him off. "We're not talking to anybody about any of this."

"But-"

"The answer is no, Sam." I said my voice firm. "Now you can either help me study for my chemistry test or you can take me home."

Sam looked at me for a long time as he weighed each option in his head. After a few moments of silence Sam sighed defeatedly and pulled out his binder. 

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