Life Without You

6

"You will never understand the hell I feel inside my head." 

* * *

I didn't go to tutoring. Since Principal Wong wasn't coming to check on me again and Sam didn't seem like the tattle tailing type I didn't think it was necessary. So instead of going to the library I stayed in my spot outside the school. Alex hadn't come to school today, he had texted and said he was skipping so I was all by myself. Not that I minded, I was used to it.

I was sitting on the black pavement, smoking. I had come to realize that smoking wasn't giving me the same relief that it used to. Now I wished so badly for the vodka that Alex had brought yesterday. I missed the way it burned my throat. I missed the way it made me forget everything. But even when I was drunk it barely lasted. My mind quickly reminded me of everything that had happened and everything I had done.

I rested my forehead on my knees and squeezed them as tight as I could to my chest. Again, I thought of my sister. Tears filled my eyes but they didn't go farther than that. I didn't have the energy to cry.

I remembered when Amber told me she was getting custody of me. I was so happy that day. I had jumped into her arms and we had spun around and laughed. She had joked about how I had to call her Mom now and I had pretended to be disgusted by it even though we both knew I wasn't. Amber was the closest thing I would ever have to a mother.

I hated that day now. The memory was clouded with everything that day had caused. If only we had just stayed with Mom in her run down apartment. Maybe if we hadn't dreamt so much about a different life. Then maybe Amber would still have one.

"Sierra?"

I looked up to see Sam standing there, staring at me with concern. "What are you doing here?" I asked as I looked back down at the pavement.

"You didn't show up in the library and I know you can't leave until your dad picks you up. So, I've been looking for you." Sam sat down beside me, stretching his legs out in front of him.

"You know you can just go home, right?" I asked. I didn't understand why he cared so much. Shouldn't he be happy he doesn't have to tutor me?

Sam sighed. "As someone who almost lost their future to a stupid mistake, fighting for it is important. You might regret not trying to graduate later."

"I won't." I said. He couldn't convince me to change my mind. The moment my sister died I had decided. I didn't deserve a future. Besides, I didn't want one that she wasn't in.

"So what's your plan then?" Sam picked at a piece of lint on his sweatpants before he lifted his eyes up to me. I didn't meet his gaze.

"I'm going to drop out when I turn eighteen and get as far away from here as possible. Somewhere warm and beautiful. Maybe Florida. Florida sounds nice." I was talking more to myself then I was to him so when he responded it almost made me jump. I had forgotten he was there.

"Why?" He asked and again I couldn't help but wonder why it mattered so much to him. He didn't know me and yet he seemed extremely concerned about my future.

"Because, Sam." I said as I finally turned to look at him. "The world is a cruel place and if you knew what it was like to lose everything you would know where I'm coming from and you would understand why all I can think about is trying to survive." I was giving him too much information. I hadn't meant to but it was just so easy to let it all out. It was almost relieving to get the words out into the open.

"Okay." He said and for a second I thought maybe he was going to let it go. "But what if the best way to survive is to think long term. Maybe if you work hard to graduate you'll be able to have the life you never thought you could have. Maybe it isn't as impossible as you think."

I rubbed my forehead. "Sam."

"Just hear me out." He said and this time he turned his entire body toward me. "If you come to tutoring everyday after school and—when is your birthday?"

"January 11th."

"Okay so on New Year's if you still wanna go to Florida I'll help you get there."

"You'll help me?"

"Yeah, I'll pay for a plane ticket and I'll help find you a place to stay. But you actually have to try. If you don't try then I won't help you."

This didn't seem real. But I had been struggling to figure out how exactly I was going to get out of Boston and if Sam was going to help me then I definitely wasn't going to say no. "Deal," Sam stuck his hand out and I shook it.

"Deal," he smiled.

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