only human // skz

20 ; baby steps ;

MAY 24

;

   Now here came the hard part.

   This conversation had already been uncomfortable and difficult enough for them, and they'd reached a good place— a breakthrough in their situation; a newfound understanding of one another. But Seungmin still had something left to discuss with Jeongin, and he'd go insane if he let this chance slip away and had to wait the long, long time it'd most certainly take to get another.

    So. Here went nothing. Seungmin drummed his fingers on the table for a moment as he considered the best way to launch into this.

   "Okay, I'm gonna say something a little out there." Chuckling, thinking of the last time he'd said that, he added: "Again." And he hoped it'd go as well as it did that last time. "So, we know that your trust issues came from your trauma and lack of childhood, right?"

   Jeongin nodded, quiet as a mouse.

   "And we want to try to fix that, right?"

   Another compliant nod.

    "Well, what I'm thinking is that we need to give your brain a hard reset. Start over from the beginning."

   Only now did Jeongin seem hesitant to agree. Apprehension entered his demeanor with a look in his eyes that said: 'But we can't. We can't just go back in time.' Instead, though, his mouth said, "How?"

    "Uh... have you ever heard of age regression? Or... little space?"

   Jeongin shook his head, tilting it curiously.

   "Some people are able to go back to... y'know, a childlike mindset for a while, to help them relieve stress, or resolve trauma. So they act younger, and they have someone to take care of them. That's little space."

   Jeongin stayed silent, thinking it over for quite some time. Then he finally said: "...And you want... me to do this?"

   Flustered, Seungmin sputtered, "I-it's completely up to you— it's just an idea. What I want is for you to do whatever helps you. Whatever you're okay with." (He would've said "comfortable", but he knew none of this would be comfortable for either of them. Not for a while, anyway.)

    He paused, sighing, preparing to say something quite mushy. "Because I think there's still pain in your heart from missing out. You never really got the chance to be cared for during your childhood, and your brain has tricked you into thinking that it's dangerous to let people do that for you now... and it makes you lonely, doesn't it? Even now?" Seungmin asked, catching the way Jeongin's lips parted in surprise at that. "No matter how much you pretend it's fine, being alone and unsafe all your life left scars on your heart that aren't just magically healed by having friends now, right?"

   Like a convict caught in a searchlight, Jeongin glanced at Seungmin with deeply shadowed, sorrowful, terrified eyes. Couldn't hold Seungmin's gaze; he broke it, looked instead at his twitchy, fidgeting hands which rested over his lap, and nodded slowly.

   "Innie, if you'll let me, I want to try to give you the childhood you never had." That was it. The words Seungmin had really wanted to say to him in December. What he, to some extent (just not nearly this drastic), thought they were agreeing to then. But finally, he'd learned how to say what exactly his intentions were in words, and now he and Jeongin were on the same page at last.

    Voice shaky, Jeongin answered, "Okay, hyung."

    "You want to give it a shot?"

    Jeongin nodded, slowly, still far more unsure than he was willing to let on (and with good reason). "But... how? How am I supposed to...?"

   Seungmin suggested they take it slow. "It's not gonna be easy for either of us. Baby steps," he chuckled, hoping to find some humor in this awkward situation; clinging to it like a buoy. "The first of which probably being... you quitting at least one job."

   Jeongin swallowed harshly.

    "You're going to need some free time for this to even have a chance of working. Even if this doesn't end up working out for you, Innie— you're overworked. You need time to rest. And I know you're smart enough to know that. "

    Seungmin knew it took a lot for him to give in and say, "Alright, hyung. I'll quit."

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MAY 25

   Over the course of the following week, just as Seungmin had suggested, sure enough, they took baby steps. Jeongin quit one of his jobs as he said he would, and reworked his schedule so that he'd have at least one hour of free time each night; two days off a week.

    And during that free time, Seungmin did his part by doing a variety of little things for Jeongin that he normally wouldn't have (he normally wouldn't have been allowed to, anyway) to take care of him, while Jeongin tried valiantly to not freak out about it— rather to just let it happen with his mind as close to blank as he could manage, focusing on any feelings of comfort that were scrounged up. It was hard work. And it was awkward. It made him feel some strange, unexplainable way.

    The first of these occurrences— the second "baby step"— had come one day after their conversation, when Seungmin welcomed Jeongin home— early for once— with a pint of ice cream in one hand and a spoon in the other. Seungmin smiled at Jeongin like he was proud: the first step was completed. As if offering a reward, Seungmin extended a spoonful of mint chocolate.

   Jeongin reached out to accept it gratefully, yet uncomfortably, but Seungmin swatted his hand away gently, and instead, pressed the spoon directly to his lips. And, while Jeongin stared with slightly widened eyes, he gave another smile: this one reassuring.

    "Say 'aah'," 

   With Seungmin's expectant eyes waiting on him, a twinge of some strange, almost squirmy feeling rooted around in his stomach, uncomfortable due to its unfamiliarity. So foreign it made him uneasy... yet, if he thought about it, it shouldn't have been foreign, considering that he'd been feeling it every single time Seungmin, or Seungmin's parents, or any of their friends attempted a caring gesture. It was just so much stronger now; so stark and attention grabbing. He pushed the feeling down, opening his mouth as Seungmin wanted, tasting cold, sweet, minty cream. (Something he'd only had once before— during his very first hangout with his new friends.)

   Could he really get used to this, if this was the bare minimum, and it was already this difficult? As much as his heart— a long-forgotten, hidden part of it— truly ached for it, could he ever let Seungmin take care of him like he was a child? How could something so easy be so hard?

   Well... Baby steps, right?

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help the picture i found for this chapter is so cute my little guy is teensy weensy and i love him