Hedon

Hedon - Chapter 17

  The second Malachi saw Caston above him smiling with bloody teeth, he realized that nothing could change the way he feels about him. He thinks maybe he always knew that. All the times he's seen him covered in blood and talking about killing someone like it's a normal hobby, he never saw him differently. He is simply, beautifully, and insanely Caston.
  It took Malachi so long to stop ignoring this part of himself. The part that likes guys and apparently doesn't mind a few other dark things. But why did it have to be with someone like Caston? Someone who will never fully return his feelings. Some who fucking kills people.
  Malachi couldn't fully process the fact that Caston was a killer. He's helped him clean up multiple crimes scenes, but not witnessing the initial crime helped him push it to the back of his mind. He knew what death was. He knew that Caston's victims were gone forever, but he sometimes forgot that Caston was the reason they were no longer here.
  His mind kept replaying the scene over and over. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw Caston slash Katie's throat from behind and then watch her die with no remorse. He saw his pretty eyes look over to him. He saw that damn smile that only appeared sarcastically or as a ruse.
  Time and time again, he's witnessed Caston be unethical and inhumane. And yet, he doesn't feel differently about him.
  Malachi knows that he's changed. He feels different. He acts different. He's grown to quite like the person he's changed into. Since the football season ended, he hasn't seen his teammates, aside from Noah. But even their interactions have been limited.
  His life seems to revolve around Caston and he doesn't mind. He doesn't hide himself like he used to. He walks next to Caston every day and doesn't even stop to see if people are looking at or talking about them. He doesn't fear much of anything anymore. Having a killer on his arm probably helps with that.
  Since meeting Caston, all of Malachi's normal teenage drama seemed small. He cares about less because now he only cares about Caston.
  Every part of him is hopeful. Hopeful that Caston has changed even in the slightest. He doesn't know why, but the dark side of Caston doesn't scare him. If anything, it intrigues him. He could live with this Caston if he accepted the fact that he has feelings. If he just told Malachi once that he loves him, that would be enough.
  Malachi supposes he's just as sick and twisted as Caston is, given the fact that he's stuck around after knowing what Caston does. Hell, he's helped him cover it up. Sometimes it hits him and makes him feel sick. He'll realize that Caston took a person's life and guilt will pull his stomach to his feet.
  But then he'll look into Caston's eyes. He'll hear his calm, smooth voice and everything will go silent. His heartbeat will slow down, his guilt will fade, and he'll drown in the feeling of Caston's body against his.
  Malachi doesn't think he'll ever love anyone like he loves Caston; in a terrible and indescribably destructive way. He knows Caston is the only boy who will ever make him feel this way. He's the only boy Malachi can see himself with. Because if it's not Caston that he's kissing, touching, and laying next to, he's going to wish that it was.

  After Caston left in his usual dramatic way, Malachi couldn't sleep. He'd like to think it was because he witnessed the murder of one of his oldest friends, but he knew it was because Caston left in a weird way and he wished that he stayed at least a little bit longer.
  It turned out to be a good thing that he was awake because a little after midnight, his phone rang. As he put the phone up to his ear, that horrible feeling returned to his gut and Caston wasn't here to make it go away.
  "Chi...thank God you're awake. I...I heard about Katie. How are you? Are you...okay?" Noah's voice was sad and cracking.
  Malachi was frozen much like he was when he watched Caston cut her throat. He was fine. He felt sad and now slightly guilty, but overall, he thinks he's okay.
  "Um...I don't know. It's a lot to take in, you know."
  "Right. Yeah. Good thing your mom's a therapist, huh? Sorry, was that insensitive?"
  Malachi chuckled. "No, it wasn't. I think maybe that's why I'm handling it okay? My mom has always overexplained things and I've been walked through the grief process so much that I know what to expect."
  Malachi could see Noah nodding on the other end. "How'd you shake her? I thought she'd be glued to you all might after hearing that you witnessed something like that."
  "Huh. She...I haven't seen her since I got home, actually. Not like we were quiet entering the house either. She usually says something." Malachi furrowed his eyebrows.
  "We?" Noah asked.
  For the first time in a while, Malachi's stomach flipped. He could tell it was fear. Fear that he'll accidentally say something that will put him and Caston behind bars forever.
  "Is this we in question perhaps...Caston?" Noah's voice was lighthearted.
  Malachi never thought that he would be put at ease by someone suspecting that he was doing something gay.
  He let out a breath, trying to play it off in a shy teenager way. "Um...maybe."
  "See, I knew all that straight stuff was bullshit. Are you finally crawling out of your homophobic rat hole?"
  Malachi chuckled. "Yeah, I guess. And it wasn't a rat hole. More like a bunker."
  "Right because a bunker is more macho."
  Malachi rolled his eyes and let a few seconds of silence pass. "So um...had you heard much from Katie recently? We kind of drift when school starts because our schedules clash."
  "Yeah, we um...we stayed pretty close. Especially after she joined track. We uh...we kinda started dating?" The sound of rustling paper made Malachi picture Noah at his desk, folding a piece of paper over and over again--something that he often did when they were studying or just having a conversation.
  "What? Why didn't you tell me?" Malachi stopped his pacing, as he suddenly felt sick. He wondered if he knew or if he stayed close with Katie during school, could he have stopped Caston? Would he have even tried to?
  "Chi, you've been kinda awol recently. The team hasn't heard from you. You don't sit with any of us at lunch anymore. We all kinda thought you were avoiding us there for a while."
  "Oh. Well I wasn't. I didn't mean to like..distance myself. Not from you, anyway."
  "Right. That's why you kept lying to me when I would check up on you."
  "I didn't need checked up on." Malachi huffed, the image of Caston flashing in his mind as he did so. Maybe he's let the boy rub off on him a bit too much.
  "Says the guy who bounced back and forth between being honest with me and then lying and saying that what you said before was a lie. It was really concerning, Malachi. I thought this Caston guy was why you were acting off, but now it seems like you're more yourself when you're with him."
  "Really?"
  "Yeah, man. You've been distant and that kinda sucks, but you seem good."
  "I...I am. I don't know why I kept trying to be-"
  "Jax?"
  Malachi exhaled a laugh. "Yeah. I'm sorry. For like confusing you and being weird and stuff. I was trying to hold onto this perfect version of myself that I always thought I would be. But I'm far from it. And...I'm okay with that now."
  "Because of Caston?"
  "Yeah, you could say that." Malachi exhaled and ruffled the back of his hair.
  "He's a fresh drink of water, I can tell you that." Noah chuckled.
  "More like arctic iced water in a chilled glass."
  Another gentle laughed came from Noah's end. "So...did you and Hannah break up?"
  "Yeah."
  "She take it okay? I heard about her attempt and stuff...that wasn't like..related to you, was it?"
  "No, no. Not at all. It sounds terrible, but we broke up afterward that. It was actually more her than me. We ended on good terms."
  "Okay good. Damn that's gotta be rough, though. Going through that and surviving just to hear about your best friend doing the same thing." Noah's voice was still backed by the gentle rustling of paper.
  "So...Hannah has heard about it?"
  "Pretty much everyone has. But they called her down to ask questions and stuff and apparently Katie had been...she'd been going through it for a while. She never talked to me about any of it. They always say to check up on your friends and that people suffer in silence and all that, but damn, you just never think it'll actually happen to someone you know until it does." Noah sighed, his voice starting to strain again.
  "I'm so sorry, Noah." Malachi felt his throat tighten as the words left his mouth. He felt more at fault than ever before.
  "Hey, it's not your fault. I just...hope she's better now, you know? She always used to talk about heaven, remember?" Noah was crying now, but a smile was evident in his voice.
  "Yeah...I remember. She'd always say that our heavens will be next to each other. All she'd have to do is take two steps..."
  "And there's Noah's heaven. Two steps in the other direction and that's Malachi's heaven."
  "Katie's heaven is in the middle because.."
  "It'll be perfect for sleepovers and God knows I'll have to stop you two from fighting even up there." Noah sniffed and then exhaled loudly. "Fuck. It's gonna be so weird without her. Even after we had our falling out, she and I still stayed close. She's always been in my life, Chi. What am I supposed to do now that she's gone?"
  Malachi wanted to talk. He wanted to comfort Noah in some way. But he didn't know how. He didn't know what to say. What do you say to someone whose girlfriend was a victim of your...Caston?
  His door opened suddenly, making him whip around quickly. Part of him was hoping that it was Caston, even though he knows he won't see him until at least tomorrow with the way he left.
  Instead of Caston, he came face to face with his mom. She was looking at him in a weird way that he couldn't figure out and he wondered if this is what Caston felt like all the time.
  "Sweetie, we need to talk."
  Malachi's insides felt like lava and ice trying to mix together. His heart started pounding and he wondered how criminals do this all the time.
  "Hey, Noah, I gotta go. My mom's here. Um...I'll see you tomorrow. Maybe I can come over to yours or something."
  "Yeah, okay, sounds good. Um..thanks for the talk."
  "Anytime."
  Malachi pushed his phone into his pocket and looked to his mom, whose expression hadn't changed.
  "Malachi, I need you to be so fucking honest with me right now. Whatever I ask, you will give me the truth or so help me God I will punish you in ways you don't even know of yet."
  "Okay...honesty. I got it." Malachi could feel his heartbeat in his head and down through his fingertips. He could just tell his voice was going to crack when he didn't want it to, but he was hoping now more than ever that he was wrong.
  "Malachi...did Caston tell you if he had anything to do with Katie's death?"
  "What?" Malachi made a shocked expression. "What kind of question is that?"
  "The kind of question I need an answer to." She crossed her arms and gave him a firm look.
  "No. He didn't. Why the fuck would you ask me that?"
  "We both know his history, Malachi. You probably more than me. You mean to tell me that it was just a coincidence that he walked into the bathroom and found her like that?"
  "We were both there, mom. I was worried about her. She was acting weird and then she'd been in there for a while and wouldn't answer me, so I walked in. Yes, Caston faked his reaction for the janitor and the cops, but that should come as no shock to you. He didn't kill her." Malachi's heart rate was slowing down as his mouth spilled out flawless lies.
  "Malachi, I've known that girl her whole life and she was not suicidal." She was giving him a look that said she still didn't believe him.
  "How do you know that? Were you in her head? Did you spend every day with her for years of your life? You couldn't possibly have known. Noah and I didn't know and you know how close we all are. I bet you didn't know Hannah was suicidal until she was in the hospital." The second the words left his mouth, he remembered that he told his mom what Caston did to Hannah. Why the fuck did he do that?
  "I thought you told me Caston tried to kill her."
  "That doesn't make my statement untrue."
  "So...Caston thought he was doing her a favor?"
  Malachi shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe. He said that a lot of problems would be solved with her gone."
  "Like what?"
  "He knew I wasn't happy with her."
  A knowing look crossed her face. Like she had put pieces together and everything suddenly made sense. "I see. So by him saying that he tried to kill her...he was saying that your problems were gone. That now there's nothing between the two of you?"
  "I'd like to think so, but that's a lot of emotional reasons for Caston." Malachi chuckled.
  "Then what was his reasoning behind his reaction to Katie?"
  "I told you. He. Didn't. Do. It. Why do you keep pinning this on him? I told you that he's different. You've told me that you think he's different. I can tell that he's changed. If he has, do you really think he would do something like that?" Malachi hated that his words made some of his hope dwindle, but they seemed to comfort his mom, as her expression finally softened.
  "So he didn't claim to do it?"
  "No, mom. I told you. We were doing our after school detention. Her club activities were over. She was in the bathroom for a concerning amount of time and we found her like that. Is there even any logic behind your accusation? You have witnesses that go against it."
  She sighed and shifted in her place. "My logic is that I'm a worried mother and a vigilant therapist. I want to make sure that you're both safe and not getting into situations that you shouldn't be getting into. I have to exercise all options. Jeremy was concerned about it, so I had to ask. If you say he didn't do it, then I believe you. I'm sorry if I crossed a line."
  "Mr. Hill was worried about it?"
  "Yes, Malachi. He's always worried about Caston. Caston killed his wife--he killed his own mother. I don't think worry will ever go away after something like that."
  "Right." Malachi nodded.
  "You know it's all talk, right?" She stepped forward, her tone level and calm.
  "What?"
  "Caston. Him saying that he kills people and will kill people. He was a child when he killed his mom. And while it's concerning, that kind of behavior doesn't seem to have carried into his teenage years. Most kids grow out of that stage; the curiosity about feelings and death. He simply seems to talk it up and carry himself in a self-protective way. I don't think he knew the extent of what he did at the time, which is most likely why he did it. Now he seems to avoid the topic, most likely because of shame or guilt. When you told me about Hannah and everything...you just said Caston told you and that he talks about it. Maybe...he's putting up this front and trying to push people away by saying that he does these things. Maybe it's his strange way of showing you that he cares--making you think that he would kill for you. Were you there when he supposedly tried to kill Hannah?"
  "No."
  "And were you there for the other times he claims to have killed people?"
  Yes. "No."
  "And have you seen anything in the news about unexplained deaths or homicides?"
  "No."
  "Exactly."
  "So...that's why you were so calm when I talked to you. Because you don't believe that he actually did it."
  She nodded with a gentle smile. "I know my patients, Malachi. I told you that I wouldn't have brought him here if I thought he would hurt you. He hasn't hurt you, right?"
  Malachi subconsciously scratched at the scabbed-over lines on his chest. "No. He hasn't."
  Everything that she said made sense and if Malachi hadn't helped Caston bury multiple bodies, he probably would've believed her. He did like the thought of Caston doing things to show him that he cared. Maybe it is his own twisted way of showing affection.
  As sick as it is, Malachi would be okay with that. If Caston cared about him in any way, he doesn't care how he shows it. As long as it's there.