Lumayo ako sa kanya ng kaunti bago humarap sa mga fans, ngumiti ako ng pilit nang sinubukan akong kausapin ng isang fan na kasama ko sa stage. Wala na akong ideya sa mga sinasabi nila dahil inokupa na ng mga ala-ala ang isip ko. Mararamdaman ko rin ang pasimpleng pagtingin ni Ken sa akin pero hindi ko na lang siya pinansin at pilit nag-iwas ng tingin.
“Do you still have feelings for her? Do you still have communication?” Biglang tanong ni Stell, nagtawanan naman ang mga kagrupo niya habang ang mga fans ay naghiyawan. While us, inalalayan kami ng staff pabalik sa mga upuan namin.
“We’re talking about the song, Stell.” Tumatawa at pabirong sagot ni Ken kaya mas lalong naintriga ang mga nasa loob.
They perform a song before ending the concert. Kahit sa paglabas ay hindi mawala sa pinag-uusapan ng mga fans ang Buwan na tinutukoy ni Ken sa kanta niya. Nang makalabas ay napatitig ako sa kalangitan, there are so many stars. Bumuntong hininga ako ng makita ang buwan sa kalangitan.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Biglang sabi ni Elle nang nasa loob na kami ng kotse niya. Ilang segundo pa bago ko sila sinagot ng isang tipid na ngiti.
“Can I say, pass and I’ll talk about it once my mind is settled. Because to be honest, it’s so chaotic and it’s driving me crazy.” Tumango si Elle bago pinaandar ang sasakyan pabalik sa kung saan nakapark ang mga kotse namin. Hindi na nila ako kinulit patungkol dito, magkikwento naman ako sa kanila pero hindi muna ngayon. Nag-inuman lang kami hanggang abutin kami ng umaga, magaalas singko na nang magpaalam ako sa kanila na aalis na ako.
Kelangan ko mapag-isa para makapag-isip ng maayos. Ayaw pa nga nila dahil baka ano raw ang gawin ko, lalo na at wala pa akong tulog. Nangako lang ako sa kanila na tatawagan ko sila once na nakauwi na ako. Dumaan ako sa isang tindahan at bumili ng posporo saka kandila. Masyado pang maaga para may bukas na bilihan ng bulaklak kaya hindi na ako nag-abala pa.
Nang makarating ako sa isang lugar kung saan may malaking puno at may maliit na lawa sa kaliwang bahagi ay napangiti ako.
Umupo ako sa may isang semento at nilinis ito saka sinindihan ang bitbit kong kandila bago ipinatong sa isang maliit na stand.
“Hi. Happy birthday, my angel.” Nakangiting bati ko sa kanya kahit na alam kong hindi niya ako naririnig at nakikita. Hinawakan ko ang lapida niya bago ito pinunasan, hindi ko mapigilang maging emosyonal habang binabasa ko ang nakasulat sa lapida nito.
Ferrielle ‘Fairy’ Buenavista
October 11 200x - October 11 200x
This place is where I feel safe and comfortable right now. Under the tree, there is a swing and a tiny flower stand. The surrounding grassy and tree-covered greenery also adds freshness that makes me calm. I was silently seated on the grass when I felt someone approaching.
Since there were only two of us who were familiar with the area, I didn't even bother to check to see who it was. Before lighting the candle he was carrying, he dropped the flower he was holding onto the flower stand.
He didn't talk, and neither did I.
He sat down on the grass and spent a considerable amount of time gazing at the spot where he had set the candle.
“It should be her 4th birthday today,” he blurted out of nowhere. I didn't bother to move my gaze at him. I wipe my tears that are falling down on my cheeks as thousands of thoughts flow through my mind. I can feel unexplainable pain and anger; I am hurting, and I don't know how to stop it.
“As I’ve said, I never regretted my decision. If I had been given another chance to make a choice that day, I would still choose this,” he added, and I bit my lip to stop myself from making a noise. I look at him; he's staring at the candle.
“You didn’t even give her a chance to see this wonderful world,” I answered in an almost whispered voice.
“Trust me, Erin. Seeing her today together with me, with us is one of my dreams. But I can't, it will never happen.” He answered using his low voice.
“Then why?” I can hear my voice trembling, we never talk about it since the day we ended everything. This is the second time that we’re doing it. I need him to make me understand his selfish decision.
“You’re so selfish, Ken.” There, I finally said it.
“Trust me Erin, it wasn't easy. That decision ruined me, she is also my daughter, but I need to make a choice.” He said before facing me. His face looks so serious, gone the soft and the always smiling Ken that everybody knows. His eyes were red and swollen, probably because of crying.
“You could have chosen her! You could have saved her, why me?!” My voice raises, emotions started to control me and everything looks so blurry because of tears.
“Because I can't live without you! I can't!” I was speechless by his sudden burst out. I was just crying in front of him, while he was breathing heavily, trying to calm himself.
“Do you think it was easy? No! My world fucked up because of that! If I can just take the pain that you're feeling that day, I already did it! It was so hard, so fucking hard.” His voice broke and he started crying.
“Do you know how hard it was for me to make a choice? You were too young that time Erin, you have so many dreams for yourself, for your family, so I did what I think is the best for you, for both of us. I choose you over her.”
“I begged for her forgiveness, if only it were possible, I would volunteer myself just to make the two of you safe, but I can't.” He kneeled down in front of me while I was crying loudly. The refreshing garden became dull and full of emotions.
“So forgive me Erin. Forgive me if I choose you over our daughter.” He said, I can hear the tremble in his voice. Memories flash back in my mind, the day that I woke up in my hospital bed looking for my daughter, the way my parents said about the situation. I broke down.
I broke down in front of my daughter’s tomb.
