padam - a jan peteh pov story

1

'Goodbye for now, metulj.' I embraced her, giving her a last kiss on her forehead and massaging my hand into her thick hair. Rather than attempting to break contact, she just cozied herself further into my body. It took her so long to pull away that I thought she might never attempt it. Now, she stared up into my eyes instead; I could see the wistful look that told me without words that she wasn't ready to go. Yet the flight time was set, her parents were prepared to have her back, and the pair of us were slowly coming to terms with not being together for a while.

Standing here with her now, I supposed I wasn't ready to let her go either. Yet I knew this would be so much harder for her than it would me - she wouldn't be home until the early hours of tomorrow morning, while my apartment was just in the city. She would have to take two planes, the first back to Frankfurt, before eventually landing in her city. Even I found it hard to tolerate trips that long.

'I love you.' she declared, her eyes now glistening with tears; I could only watch as she tried to blink them back. It pained me to see her so distraught, to see through this facade she had tried so hard to place over herself.

'I love you too.' I replied honestly; over the last few weeks, it had become clear how much I cared for her, how much she belonged in my life.

'You will come and visit, right?' she asked shakily, her anxiety now setting in - I knew this wasn't actually a genuine question, rather that her mind was panicking after the issues we'd faced when I had left England.

It was strange to think that all of that had happened such a long time ago.

'Of course. You're stuck with me now.' I smiled, looking at her warmly. 'I'll be over to visit soon.' This small amount of comfort gave her a little solace, I could tell by the way her face softened slightly.

'Okay.' she near-whimpered, fighting back tears, but also knowing that this was it - time to go.

'Bye, Jan. I'll message you.' she choked. We stood there for a few moments in silence, neither of us taking a step towards or away from the other, before she barrelled back into my arms again. I caught her, falling back a couple of steps as I did, watching her now-abandoned suitcase roll to the side a little before grinding to a halt. She remained unmoving for a short while as I held her; her chest rising and falling rapidly as her pulse began to speed in anticipation.

'Keep me updated, lokvanj. I'll stay up until you're home.' I spoke lowly into her hair, as some form of gentle encouragement.

As she released me, she nodded, now beginning to tightly grasp the handle of her case - her knuckles turning white with the pressure. Without saying anything for fear of crying, she turned around, walking through the open double-doors into the terminal. As they shut behind her, I let out a deep exhale; I had made it through the first step of the long-distance that was to come - acceptance.

I knew she was scared, I knew it wouldn't be long before I received a spate of messages as she came to regret leaving, but I also knew that this was inevitable - the longer we spent together, the longer it would take for us to agree it was time to part. I had even considered returning to England to spend more time with her, however, with a gig just a week away, it was unfeasable to think that was possible - I wouldn't make it on stage with only a day to recover from our split.

Some of my heart left with her that day, to give her strength and provide her with comfort when she felt upset. I watched it depart as it faded through the windows to catch her up, and although I felt a small weight making its way onto my shoulders to fulfil what had been lost, I was grateful that it would keep her company; her happiness meant everything and more to me.

As I gathered myself and walked towards the car park where the rest of the band waited, sun blazed down onto Ljubljana; the summer was officially in full force in the city. The warmth continually hit my face, and I was soon attacked by a non-stop burning sensation on my right cheek.

Luckily, it wasn't long before I reached our car; Kris sat in the driver's seat, with Bojan and Nace in the back. I was surprised that neither of them had scrabbled for a place beside Kris, yet I was grateful for it. Maybe they were trying not to irritate me, given that I was bound to be tetchy for at least a few hours due to her leaving.

As I opened the door, I was hit by yet another onslaught of heat - the air-conditioning in the car had given out last week, and we were yet to get it repaired. Sweat began to bead on my forehead as I got in, and I attempted to distract myself by ripping a cigarette from my pocket. I lit it with the communal lighter from the glovebox and inhaled massively.

'You're okay?' Kris asked, more of an affirmation than a question.

'Fine.' I responded bleakly, but even I could tell that my voice sounded slightly hollower than usual.

'Jure's asked if we all want to go to his place later.' Nace offered, attempting to cheer me up. Although the attempt was fruitless, I didn't want to miss out on a night with everyone - the first we'd had alone since the Ljublana concert.

'Sure.' I answered, with slightly more enthusiasm, but still monosyllabic.

'Jan, I haven't seen you like this since...' Bojan started, but then quickly remembered the answer and decided not to voice it. 'Girls.' he added onto the end, invoking a deep belly-laugh from Nace.

'I'm beginning to think planes are the problem.' Kris input, a fair point, to which I nodded.

'Maybe so.'

'When are you going to see her?' he continued, appearing to focus more on us than on the road. He suddenly took a sharp turn out of the lane we were in; an indicator that my assumption was right.

'I don't know. We don't have a huge break like this again for a while.' I recounted, scrambling through my brain in an attempt to find a date. Yet, my mental calendar was full of crosses for days we were already busy; this worried me slightly. 'I might have to go for just a couple of days at some point, and leave the longer stay for a while.'

'Or you could just have her back over here, I suppose.' Nace suggested; although it was something I had considered, I wasn't sure if she'd want to leave her family for an extended period again anytime soon - and she'd already suggested plenty of date spots for when I went over to visit.

'I wouldn't mind that, but I need to go and see her. She left her entire life to come over here.' I debated.

'She doesn't have a job, Jan. You're in a band.' Bojan argued back.

I was a bit taken aback by Bojan's harsh words - I knew he liked Lilia, he'd even told me that in private. However, over the last few days, he had become more moody than usual; he didn't seem to be able to take a joke, his worries had been more self-centred than on the group. Kris had insisted he would be back to normal soon, but I wasn't seeing any improvements.

'I'm not suggesting I do what she did. I'm suggesting I give her a week of my time.' I replied maturely, readjusting my posture instead of lashing out.

'And when are you planning to do that?' he barked back, his tone turning completely sour. Looking into the wingmirror, I could see his angry expression; although I knew there was probably a reason behind it, I was too tired and emotional to bother trying to appease him.

'I don't know. I'll sort it out.' I fought, becoming increasingly tired of the way he was speaking to me.

'What beer has Jure got in?' Nace asked after a few awkward seconds, trying desperately to stop the brewing situation - without fuelling Bojan's sudden need to disagree with everyone.

'Probably something good. It's Jure.' Kris shrugged as we pulled onto the main road.

'Vodka?' I questioned, despite knowing it was usually my job to bring the decent alcohol. I took a drag of my cigarette and waited for the inevitable response. As Kris told me he'd stop off at the shop so that I could buy some, I sighed, blowing the smoke in my lungs out of the window and watching it dissipate.

We all went silent after that; one of us in a significantly worse mood than the others.

And, to everyone's shock, it wasn't me.