padam - a jan peteh pov story

2

Approaching the block of flats where Jure's was, I struggled to not feel some form of apprehension. The sun was not the only thing burning me anymore; Bojan's angered stare now seared through my back, removing layers of skin as it did and leaving me wounded. Although it felt like the tension should be evaporating into the summer-evening air, I didn't feel any more at rest. I knew I should have gone home, I knew I shouldn't bring down the mood of the group with my low social drive, but it was too late now to leave without it looking like Bojan was the problem.

In a way, he was.

Kris and Nace walked slightly ahead, joking and laughing about things I was too far away to hear. Sure, I was happy that they were enjoying themselves, yet I couldn't help but feel slightly pissed at the fact that I wasn't involved - why was I being put in the doghouse for something that was not in any way my fault?

Or maybe I was overthinking. Maybe the fact that I hadn't devoted 100% of my time to them recently had made us drift apart a little. Maybe I just wanted to feel less lonely, to have Lilia by my side - I could picture her there now, bouncing around next to me, utterly thrilled at the prospect of just being there. Her newly-bought clothes of cheap material would gently float in the light breeze as she moved along the path, her sandals clicking with each step she took. When she laughed, the sound would carry through the open air, spreading her joyful aura like a generous amount of butter onto toast.

'You wish she was still here, don't you?' I was too caught up in my daydream to notice that Bojan was now walking along beside me, looking significantly less annoyed than he had before. Although a fiery glint still tinged his eye, it wasn't enough to stoke the flame of his negative temperament - I knew to act wisely to avoid reigniting it.

'Well, yeah.' I laughed, knowing that I was incapable of denying it; my face probably already gave the fact away, so there was no point in even trying to hide it. I had never faced long-distance before; this was a first, and it was slowly eating me from the inside.

'I'm sorry if I fucked you off before. Stress.' he brushed his actions off casually. Unwilling to argue, given that my mind was centred in an utterly different dimension, I just nodded absentmindedly.

'You're fine. Don't worry about it.' I answered, yet my heart wasn't in it. Having known me for as lomg as Bojan had, I suspected that he could tell, yet if he did, he didn't mention it. Instead, he just carried on as he had before, yet sounding significantly less angry about it.

'I suppose I'm just happy to have a little bit of time for ourselves. However selfish it is. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind her, it's just that we haven't been able to just get out of our minds and not worry about someone else being there.' From the way he looked into my eyes without breaking the contact, I could tell that he was being completely truthful.

I was already in the knowledge that he felt like that - I was sure at least one of the others thought similarly, and just didn't decide to voice it. Yet, however much I appreciated his honesty, it depressed me that Lilia had been under the impression that they were acting totally as themselves, rather than putting on a false guise just for her. She had talked about how happy she was that they had welcomed her, which they had, in a way. Yet, since our return to Slovenia, they had been acting slightly differently - like during our time in Liverpool, they had let their real personalities roam free, only to hide them back away once they arrived back at home.

By 'they', I meant Bojan.

The pair of us ran out of things to say fairly quickly; it only took a few more moments of discussion for him to see that I was getting visibly frustrated, and so he stopped speaking entirely. Luckily, this event coincided with the point at which we all reached the door. Nace rang the buzzer, and we all waited in collective quietness for Jure to approve our entry into the building. This took shockingly less time than expected - he wasn't exactly the most punctual of the group, something that typically threw Kris into cardiac arrest.

Jure's flat was on the second floor - this was very lucky given that the elevator was out of service, and the sheer height of the apartment block would be insufferable to climb in this heat. Kris had been assigned to carrying the obligatory stock of beers we stored in the boot of the car; I was certain that he would have been up in arms had he have had to struggle up 10 levels with them in hand.

After we'd made it up the two flights of stairs and headed down the short corridor, we eventually arrived at the door. Nace held the key - we each had two sets of keys cut for our apartments, one for the owner and one for the rest of the group. As we let ourselves in, we found Jure splayed out on the sofa. The TV blared, playing some random show that I assumed he changed the channel to just as we'd arrived.

'I was worried you weren't coming.' he commented, standing up to greet us all. On the table in front of him sat four unopened cans; I assumed he already had his own. 'Sorry, Jan, I wasn't sure you'd come.'

Nevermind.

As he headed to get another from the fridge for me, the rest of us gathered on the sofas - Nace and me opposite Bojan and Kris. However much I tried to slouch to fit in with everyone else, I struggled to let my guard down; I felt so vulnerable without Lilia to wrap my arm around, however embarrassing it sounded. It hadn't always been like this, since my friends used to be the people I felt the most confident around, yet I could feel something so incredibly off building that it was hard to pretend everything was normal. Like a storm was approaching that only I could feel.

'Jan, are you alright?' Kris asked, noticing my attempts to drift off into space.

'I need a shot.' I replied suddenly, feeling for the bottle of vodka by my side before heading to the cupboard where Jure kept the shot glasses. He kept an assortment of them in there that he'd picked up from various places as we'd travelled; I decided on two basic ones for fear I'd break the ones with sentimental value attached. I carried the lot back to the table and set them down, before pouring us all a double. Ensuring that mine was as full as humanely possible, I set the bottle down to indicate we were ready to drink.

We all chanted as we took our individual glasses, pressing them together and downing them entirely. As I cocked my head back, the alcohol refreshed my throat, coating it with a blanket of protection from the hurt and longing I was feeling. The sensation rushed to my head, providing me some relief and distraction. I swallowed heavily to send the remainder of the liquid down to my stomach before returning my focus back onto the rest of the group, who were now hawk-eyeing the empty glasses.

'Another?' I quizzed, fully prepared to intoxicate myself within the hour.

They all looked at me like I was an idiot, before replying in a babble of different words that essentially told me one thing: of course they wanted another.

Within less than two minutes, we had drained the entire bottle; as I looked up from the final shot, I was hit by a shock of dizziness that echoed around my body. This didn't worry me - only made my smile widen.

My problems would disappear for a while.