padam - a jan peteh pov story

11

I was incredibly out of it until the next day. Nothing felt real; it was like I was watching my own life pass before my eyes with no control. The actions I was thinking about taking weren't necessarily the ones I did; the words that I typed out on my phone not the ones I thought I wanted.

I was completely disassociated, trapped inside my own mind, a cage that wouldn't rust no matter how much time passed.

None of this is happening, I remember thinking. Surely I would wake up from this dream soon. Yet when I looked towards the clock, the numbers were correct, and as I looked down at my hands, they were certainly mine.

The detachment only ended as I entered Kris' apartment later that day.

'Sorry.' I apologised as my consciousness fell back into my body, taking a few moments to make itself at home. Nace gave me a confused look, which was odd for two reasons - the fact he had figured that something was going on, and also the fact that I didn't at all expect him to be sat in front of me.

'Sorry for what?' he quizzed, suspicious at my sudden flush, yet I dismissed his question with a simple 'nothing' before breaking our eye contact, my pupils now shifting towards Kris.

'He won't be long, don't worry.' Kris comforted me, and I attempted to reorder my mind to make some sense of this, yet I scarcely had any remembrance since I had called Lilia the previous day. Since I had thought about Zagreb.

'Who, Jure?' I asked, yet he just laughed at me. I turned my head to discover that the blonde was stood by Kris' kitchen counter, grabbing us some drinks.

'Bojan.' Nace reassured, and from that moment I was fully convinced he was aware that I was experiencing some serious memory issues.

'What?' I mumbled instinctively, evoking some sort of worry from Kris.

'Jan, are you sure you're alright?' he interrogated,  concern flooding his expression as he faced me. I gave him a simple nod in return, but it didn't seem to calm his wild eyes. He opened his mouth to say something, yet was quickly interrupted by Jure, who had just sprinted across the room to alert us to footsteps on the corridor.

It didn't take long for us to discover who it was.

He was the personification of thunder, head hanging low as he sauntered over to the sofa. The features on his face that typically formed a beaming smile now established themselves as a deep frown, wrinkles carving out jagged lines on his forehead and cheekbones. As he sat down next to Kris, he didn't utter a word, simply looked at me with a stare of complete anger.

Jure joined us on the sofa, and that was when he opened his mouth for the first time.

'I can't do this if you're all going to carry on as you are.' he put simply, leaning his elbows on his knees and addressing us all seriously.

'Do what?' Jure asked, cocking his head in a slight spate of uncertainty. Blood rushed to my head as I built on Jure's thought, my mind immediately rushing towards the worst possible option.

'The band.' Bojan confirmed my fears. My head turned light; was I stood up I surely would have fallen over. Because, after everything we'd done, after all the success we'd achieved recently, he was thinking about bringing it to a close?

'What the fuck?' I accidentally spat, my eyes not even focused on Bojan. When I looked to him, his face refilled with judgment, becoming even harder than it already had been.

'Two of you now have shouted at me down the phone. The other two of you have refused to speak to me, you've been using Kris to get your messages across.' he began, and I felt a slight pang of guilt; the echo of hurt in his voice resonated deep inside me. 'Is this what we started all of this for?'

'You're not thinking rationally.' Kris input, yet Bojan didn't even give him a glance.

'I'm not performing with any of you unless we can sort this out maturely. And I'm expecting apologies from each of you.' Bojan restarted, affirming his point. A hurricane of thoughts manifested inside me, and as they developed, it was even more difficult to hold onto my sanity.

'Bojan, you aren't exactly innocent either.' I pointed out, outstretching my hand as I did to anchor my mind. The world began to feel as though I wasn't sober, like each action took a great deal more effort than it should have.

'And you are?' Bojan narrowed his eyes a little; it was barely noticeable, yet just enough to stress me out further.

'I was joking with you. As we all do.' I argued. When nobody else backed me up immediately, I didn't blame them - we were in boisterous water, and I wouldn't wish any of the others into my position.

'You went too far with the Instagram story, Bojči.' Nace suddenly coughed, breaking the few seconds of serene yet tense silence.

'That wasn't right at all.' Kris agreed with him. Yet again, Bojan didn't offer them any eye contact, any stress relief. He just continued talking, now directing his vision at the wall.

'I didn't want to have to do it, but since none of you would communicate with me, what were you expecting? I wasn't going to sit there and act like this wasn't someone else's fault.' Now, he diverted his gaze between all of us evenly, even turning his head to meet Kris.

'We're sorry that we didn't speak to you better. But that doesn't excuse what you've done to the image of the band as a whole. And nothing will.' Kris reiterated firmly, and I think something changed in that moment. As though the wind ceased, and the planet's rotation began to slow. The air was thick, and I couldn't breathe it in.

Kris and Bojan's relationship had consistently acted like a fragile glass; now, the stare he shot him with invoked a crack in the rim.

'None of you get it, do you?' he uttered icily, and I exchanged a quick glance with Nace.

'You won't tell us what's really the matter.' Kris hurried, attempting to sound soothing but coming out overall shaky and nervous.

'There is nothing wrong aside from this. What part of that don't you understand?' Bojan snapped, and Kris retracted his body a little, shifting more towards the edge of the sofa.

'We all know there's something else.' I suggested, receiving nods from the other three.

'Because you know everything, Jan. Even about me. You think you know how to resolve this without admitting that you've hurt me.' he ranted, fumes practically evaporating off of his body. 'Surprise - this isn't going to work out as you planned.'

At that point, I had had more than enough. I gathered myself swiftly and exited the room with haste. Letting Bojan sit there and act like I had wronged him beyond repair was not my idea of how to pass the day.

I sat down on the corridor and tried to pick up my emotions, which were strewn across the floor like stray paper. I was also distracted by the still-loud room; shouting and hatred were still radiating through the closed door.

Kris joined me a few minutes later.

'He's got a lot of pent-up anger for someone his height.' he said. I wasn't exactly listening, yet my head began to nod automatically. I was seething, but I wouldn't let Kris see exactly how I felt. I would not be made to feel vulnerable, I would not be made to feel uncontrollable.

Yet deep down, I knew that was all I was.