Numb

Introducing Rayne

declans pov

As soon as those words left her mouth my insides froze. I don't know why, they just did. I didn't know how to answer her. I have never been so gobsmacked. I think my reactions may have delayed from her excellent singing(!) I didn't know what to say to her. I didn't want to admit to her and myself that i was a player cos I didn't want her opinion of me to change. I don't know where any of my feelings were coming from they were just there!! And I hated the helplessness I was feeling cos if I lie to her then this friendship or whatever will be based on a lie and I don't want that . And if i told the truth, her opinion of me would change and i wanted her to view me in the nicest way possible, she was smart and funny and hot- everything I wanted in a girlfriend. wait not a girlfriend a girl friend with a space. Johnston men don't have serious relationships! But if she saw me as the player, it would make her shudder in disgust. Hell it makes me shudder in disgust that i dont even know the number of girls i've been with. I cant lie but I cant tell the truth. I know what lies do. I've experienced it first hand and let me just say that the damage hurts. I mean my dad could have been thinkin that if they dont know they wont get hurt. Thats highly unlikely, my dad only worries about himself!! All he ever thinks about is sex,money,sex,money and more sex. he doesnt care about no one but himself and it doesnt even bother him. It doesn't bother him that i hate him or that my mum hates him or the pain we went through when ra--

I shook my head and snapped out of those thoughts. I couldn't think about that not now ,not ever.

I couldnt believe my dad's reaction though and my blood boiled when he just shrugged his shoulders and told me that he will put extra money in my account . When i told him and he just looked at me blankly. i was getting angrier and angrier.

"Woah there, Dec! What have it told you about thinking at all in your case???? If break my steering wheel and i break your neck and then make you buy me a new car." I had forgotten she was even there and I looked at my hands and the knuckes were white and wrapped around the steering wheel so tightly. So I took a deep breath and loosened my hold on the wheel and drove the last few minutes back to her house in silence, just brooding. Everyone thought i had the perfect life. They didnt know the half of it. I parked the car in her driveway and opened the door and got out. I needed to be alone.

This is why i never alowed myself to think about any of this. It would bring back the stuff i had been pushing down for years and i did not want them to come back up, no.. i ran in the house not looking back. i ran up the stairs to the upper west wing where my room was. i barely got there when it all came tumbling out . A huge sobbed ripped through the quiet halls and it took me a while to realise that it was from me another one followed and another till I was full on cryin. I hated this. I hated feeling so weak. Men dont cry. I haven't cried for nine years and now after i have one conversation with a silly little girl. I'm bawling like theres no tomorrow. I felt arms wrap around me and I just sobbed into the chest like the little nine year old i felt I was.i didn't look up.

"Rayne"a hoarse whisper came from me

"Who's Rayne??"

"I need Rayne."