Keep Fighting || The 100

Five

After we calmed down, the sun was gone and so we made our way back and went to sleep. I was only able to sleep for about 2 hours before I was jolted out of my sleep. The same dream every time. The same nightmare. Those few days that meshed into one.

I sat up and leaned back on my hands. When the shakiness left my system, I rubbed my eyes and cleared my blurry vision. I looked around and saw everyone still asleep. I slowly stood up and some chirps caught my attention. I looked up and saw the most beautiful thing I've seen in my entire life. The trees and plants around were glowing blue. It looked like the scene in front of me was taken straight out of that movie called Avatar.

I walked away from the others and continued walking around, going deeper into the glowing forest. The further I got, the more everything seemed to glow. I see something flying around and when I got closer, it was a butterfly. And it was glowing too. I chased after it, completely forget about everything. A sense of calm flowed through my veins. I haven't felt this calm in a bit and I sure as hell am accepting this feeling with open arms.

I now was completely surrounded by glowing trees, bushes and plants. I sat down in the middle of everything and took a deep breath. I closed my eyes for a few seconds before reality flooded my mind.

How could I be enjoying this after the things I've done? I deserved to be punished, not frolicking through a beautiful forest. I don't deserve happiness. 'But what if you do?' I push that same voice out of my head but it seems to have a mind of its own.

'This is your second chance at life. Take it. Live.' "No, I don't deserve it. I deserve to be punished." I stand up and look around for the one thing that gave me relief on the ark. At least down here, they can't put me in a straight-jacket.

Once I find something sharp enough, I pull the sleeves of my jacket up. If whatever is out there doesn't want me to die, then I'll just hurt myself until I feel like I deserve redemption.

The only thing swarming my mind are the things I did. The days that I tortured and killed the guard and my unborn child.

~~~~~~~~~

I don't know how long it has been. I've been numb for a while, just staring into the unknown. My left forearm stings but I'm used to it. Blood trickles down onto the ground. I was going to do the other arm but I didn't have the strength.

I'm leaning against a large rock when I hear leaves crunching behind me. I eyes moved to my right as the crunching continues. Soon, a pair of boots come into view. "Rowan?" The person squats down next to me with concern. When I look up I see Finn. "Are you okay?" He gently reaches for my arms but he pulls away. When he brings his hand up, he sees blood. Worried, he reaches for my arm and pulls the sleeve up.

I try to pull away, not wanting him to see but I'm too weak. When he sees the cuts and blood staining everything in its proximity, sadness floods his eyes. Guilty floods in mine. I didn't want anyone to see me doing this knowing what their reactions would be. He reaches into the pocket of my jacket and pulls out the piece of my shirt that Clarke ripped earlier. "Stay here. I'll be right back." He stutters and he reluctantly gets up and hurriedly runs into the dark.

When he comes back, the cloth is dripping water. He reaches for my hand again and starts cleaning my cuts. Tears start falling again as I lean back. "It's okay. You're gonna be okay." I shake my head as a lump starts forming in my throat, my voice coming out low and thick. "No, I'm not. Not after what I did. I don't deserve to be okay. I'm a murderer, a killer. I killed them. I don't deserve it." I continue to shake my head, the horrifying images flooding my mind.

"Hey, Rowan. Look at me." I do and I see the softness mixed with determination. "We all have demons inside of us. We all have reasons for them to be released. I'm sure that whatever your reason for doing what you did is valid. What you did doesn't define you. Okay?" I stare at him with a bit of shock. 'He didn't lecture me.' I hesitantly nod my head and he brings me into a comforting hug, one hand gently stroking my hair.