My Abusive Ex

Chapter 1

It is four years since I became a bereaved parent, and my life still feels like a complete mess. I was not prepared for the further obstacles ahead.

Robert and I went on to have two more children, a daughter and a second son. Sadly, all my pregnancies were very difficult, full of emotion and I never experienced the textbook pregnancy glow. That kind of pregnancy was pure fiction to me.

My pregnancy with Luke had been straightforward for him but fraught with medical complications for me. My kidneys had not coped and during the pregnancy I was diagnosed with chronic kidney disease. My protein levels were continually rising and I spent many a week collecting urine over a period of 24-hours so the lab could analyse my most recent levels. I was categorised as a high-risk pregnancy and the chances of me developing pre-eclampsia were elevated significantly.

The doctors had been concerned about me, but never about Luke. I had many scans and each one showed Luke was doing exceptionally well. His heart condition never showed on a scan, not once, and I was later told that his condition was so rare that it would only have been discovered if they were specifically looking for it. The good news was Chloe and Thomas were scanned repeatedly and Luke's heart condition had not reoccurred in them.

I did eventually Google Luke's condition and I'm glad I never did it whilst he was alive. The outcome was that no known baby had survived Luke's condition. Some babies had been stillborn, but all had died within days of being born. Luke was one of the fortunate statistics in comparison to others. At least I got to hold him and feed him. I think his specialists who said the seriousness of Luke's condition, on the scale of 1-10, were being very optimistic giving a five, but I suppose we must always have an element of hope.

The counselling was really helpful, but I was still yearning for that person to person understanding. Fortunately, I found the bereaved parents club where I learned of so many different losses. Women whose child had been born still, women whose child had been medically aborted due to her baby having a condition that was incompatible with life, women who had lost a child after already losing a child. So many heartbreaking stories. True stories.

For many there were no answers and I felt fortunate, that despite having lost Luke, I knew the reason why my baby died. I became thankful for the five days I had. Many of these women didn't have this time, most didn't have any time at all. So many were never able to see the colour of their baby's eyes, they never felt their baby squeeze their finger, nor experienced the sensation of feeding their child on the breast.

I became more educated in baby loss than I ever hoped to be, and it made me even more fearful in pregnancy. In my subsequent pregnancies I had many in-depth scans. I never broke news of my pregnancies until the specialist heart scans at twenty weeks because the knowledge of things going wrong, after twelve weeks, was very real to me.

The hospital understood, that as a bereaved mum, there may also be times when I need a scan for reassurance purposes only. For peace of mind. And I was told that I could walk in and request a scan at any time. They were very supportive, and this added reassurance was certainly helpful.

Not everything flowed well at the hospital. If I saw a new nurse or doctor they would always ask about Luke. As in 'how is baby number one doing?'. In a busy ante-natal department I found my notes were never thoroughly read and I was always faced with having to explain Luke had died.

Finding those words was incredibly difficult and I'd always break down. Like swollen eyes, runny nose, kind of break down. The staff member would feel awful, but it happened so frequently that the hospital eventually decided a matron would come to my appointments with me. And then one day I read about stickers being put on the front of ante-natal files, advising staff of a loss. I asked for a sticker to be put on mine and I can honestly say it improved my experience withing the hospital one hundred percent.