My Abusive Ex

Chapter 6

I'm so fortunate that I've made a really good friend at work, Ellen. She has been so welcoming and helpful to me since I started. She has a million and one resources, many of which she designed herself, and she added a heap of stuff to my external hard-drive.

She's been very complementary and knows how difficult the classes are that I've been assigned. We both know it's not the students' fault, they simply felt abandoned. But with hard work and consistency I've managed to create a degree of stability.

I had a meeting with the Head Teacher who thanked me for working so hard. He even asked if I was willing to set work for the days I'm not at school and attend parents' evenings. I was offered more money to do so, which was good of the school. There are many unscrupulous school managements out there that would just expect you to do this for the 'goodwill of the school'.

I agreed to both, and in all honesty, it helps me as much as it helps the school. I tell the class what work they will be doing when I'm not here and I only miss each class for one lesson. My year 8's can be hard work. I love them all, they have such unique personalities, but my goodness you need to be at least two steps ahead of them.

They give running commentary on the teachers who take their class on the days I'm not at school. Their descriptions are hilarious, totally inappropriate but hilarious. I have to put my teacher voice on and stop myself from laughing, which can sometimes be quite tricky. We've built such a good relationship and I can see their work is improving, which is always the outcome a teacher is hoping for.

I don't normally teach English. I am qualified to teach it but it's not my preferred area. Every two weeks I take home three hundred exercise books, yes, I did say three hundred. Half of those are classroom books and the other half are homework books. I have to mark each one and put codes in the margin s for spelling, g for grammar, p for paragraph. I then have to give feedback: WWW: What went well and EBI: Even Better If. When the students receive their books back they have to use a purple pen to make improvements to the work. I then have to mark the improvements.

And that's why I don't usually teach English. It's a whole lot of marking.

Luckily for me, bottom sets tend not to write too much, but top set classes can write pages and pages of text. We have targets and our GCSE groups are analysed regularly.

To add to the stress, our books are collected randomly each term and checked over. SLT want to make sure the teachers are following the marking scheme. They are looking for WWW, EBI, Purple Pen and remarked work. It's an incredible amount of pressure.

Ellen uses her break times and lunches to mark books, she's got a good system which enables her to keep on top of things. It does mean she misses out on socialising with the department, so I've started going into her room a few times to do my marking alongside.

She allows some of her vulnerable students to come in during breaks and put 'Just Dance' on or do jobs for her. The boys who stay are the ones who usually get into lots of trouble around school. Ellen's room is a safe place for them and they thrive from being around her.

To look at her she is the tiniest, most petite person you can meet. She wears the highest heels ever and is always immaculately made up. She is extremely fit and works out at the gym five nights per week. I'd like to say healthy too, which she is, but Ellen is recovering from breast cancer, so she's fighting to regain her health.

You would think bolshy boys would walk all over her but she's as strong as an ox. Takes no messing and has some of the most challenging students in the school eating out of the palm of her hand. She sets high expectations in her classroom and if a child hasn't finished their work to an expected level they have to stay behind.

Ellen has had a number of surgeries due to the breast cancer and she's on many different medications. As a result of the cancer she has had a full hysterectomy, her breasts have been removed and the medication has resulted in osteoporosis. Ellen's body is scarred and for a young beautiful woman, in her thirties, that's a huge trauma. She is supported by Macmillan nurses and sometimes her health means she physically can't get to school.

This has caused problems with management, and Ellen feels unsupported by the school. She has had several meetings that she went into naively, and is now in a position where she wishes she had taken her union representative in. She's got a lot on her plate and it's good to be able to offer a sympathetic ear.

It also helps me feel 'normal'. All the issues I have with Robert are put into context. Teachers have lives out of school; many of us are fighting difficult battles, dealing with trauma, looking after others. We're not superhuman, we're just human. Some days are better than others, some days are worse, but we once we are in front of our students we are there, with them, one hundred percent.

I am told that the teacher who I've replaced is returning to school on a long period of reintegration and I'm asked to remain until the end of the school year. The school say they'll find lessons for me to cover, and I still have my three days per week. Which is great news as relief work dries up in the summer months.

The teacher returns, Tilly. I feel quite nervous meeting her, I'm not sure why, maybe it's because some teachers can be really dismissive of relief teachers. Tilly takes two of her classes back and I'm thrilled when she makes me a card to thank me for looking after her students. The classes have given me a good reference and as much as they liked having me, they are delighted to have Tilly back.

Nobody ever explained why Tilly was absent, and clearly it was none of my business. But one afternoon Tilly and I are having a chat and she explains her prolonged absence. Tilly was at a nightclub when her drink was spiked. She has no recollection of what happened but was returned to the club later on through the night. A female bouncer realised something was amiss, took Tilly from the man, sent him away, then called the police.

The police came for Tilly and it was obvious to them that she has been drugged, so they took her to the hospital for tests. When the police checked the nightclub's CCTV they identified a male figure returning Tilly to the club. After an investigation the police advise Tilly that her drink was spiked with Rohypnol, a tranquilizer about ten times more potent than Valium. Her medical examination proves she was raped, and due to the DNA matches samples taken from Tilly the police were able to locate the offender.

Tilly said she had taken some time, but after the trial, in which the rapist was sent to jail, Tilly had a breakdown. Tilly said she's still very vulnerable but slowly making progress. Returning to school is a huge step and that's why she's returned on a very limited timetable.

I'm shocked, but I let Tilly know that her experience has not been gossiped about, and she is clearly valued by her students. I thank her for confiding in me and I feel privileged that she shared her experience with me. We connect, and it confirms what I said earlier, there are so many of us fighting battles that others have no idea even exist.

There's a misconception that rape only happens to sluts, that women who are in abusive relationships are weak, are all on benefits and live in rented accommodation, that professionals have no trauma.

The reality is female victims of trauma, come from all social classes, all races, all religions, all walks of life. There are teachers, business owners, CEOs, Politicians, and Doctors who suffer domestic abuse, have been raped, have been or are being abused. It's not a simple process to leave and female victims, instead of being supported, they are often blamed.

Many professionals are survivors of trauma. We are not encouraged to speak up, to share our stories. The same is said for many other professionals, including counsellors. Most counsellors train in the profession because they have been to counselling for their own traumatic pasts. The experience helped them so much that they retrained in the hope of helping others, but counsellors are never encouraged to share their own experiences with clients. They are actively discouraged. Yes, sessions are about the client, but there are clients who want to talk to people who know exactly what it's like to experience a similar trauma.

The taboo of trauma amongst professionals limits our ability to train others, how do we spot the signs of trauma and how do we help each other if speaking about our own trauma is so taboo? Yes, we are professionals, yes we are there to do a job, but part of that job is developing knowledge and learning about people experiences and how to help them overcome trauma.