My Abusive Ex

Chapter 13

In May 2015 I was close to completing my counselling qualifications. As part of the requirements I had to have in excess of 100 counselling hours and I was almost there. I'd been spending one day per week at the local university, volunteering in the student support department.

At the end of each shift I met with Beth, my supervisor. She was such a character and pretty much everyone loved her. It was easy to see why, Beth immediately put you at ease and was such a laugh, professional but full of warmth. But she was no jar of Nutella, and so there was a colleague who appeared to dislike Beth. Maybe she had been overlooked for promotion, who knows, but you could tell there was bad feeling there.

I confided in Beth about Robert and how he left, to teach me a lesson, but it backfired, as I never let him return. Beth said many abusive relationships continue long after the couple split. There are many clients at the university and I know that seeing someone in a similar position to me might not be a good thing. How would I remain impartial?

I saw clients with a range of issues; historical sexual abuse, anxiety, home sickness. There was only one client I declined to work with and that was a male who was having problems accessing contact with his daughter. I felt his issues were too close to home and I wouldn't be able to offer the therapeutic relationship every client deserves. Beth said my decline of this client actually showed growth, as a big part of counselling is recognising when you can't offer unconditional positive regard.

As a requirement of the counselling course, I had to go on a residential trip with my class. Unfortunately, the residential fell on my weekend and I knew if I asked Robert to swap weekends he wouldn't. There was a chance I could arrange the swap, but the key was to make Robert think I was doing him a favour.

The agreement in place was formalised with dates, but swaps could be made if there was agreement between the two parties. I just had to manipulate him to agree. What I wouldn't give just be honest and ask, and in real co-parenting relationships this is what parents do, but I knew honesty wouldn't work for me.

Any swaps we have had, have always only ever worked in his favour. He has never done anything to support me and will always say 'ask your mum and dad'. But they help me so much already and I find it difficult asking for even more help, especially when the father of my children won't do his part. I had asked in the past, and always been burnt. He usually agrees and then at the very last minute lets me down. I even missed my friend getting married because he was so unreliable and unwilling to work with me.

So this particular weekend I couldn't risk being honest, I had to play a blinder.

As fate would have it, there was a Disney on Ice show which fell on Robert's weekend; the children really wanted to see it and it was not something he would want to go to. I sent him an email saying how I didn't want to cut into his time, but the children really wanted to see this show. I was happy to take the children, and if it was easier for him, I was happy to swap to an alternative weekend. But clearly it was his decision.

He absolutely loves it when he feels in control, and he lapped it up. It would also mean me spending money he thinks I don't have, so it's a double win for him.

Maintenance has been a recurring issue since Robert left. He initially paid an agreed amount, but it's been reduced and reduced over time. Punishment for when I've disagreed with him, reduced again when I returned to work, and again when we've had another disagreement.

I could have laughed when Robert said he'd pay me to stay home with the children, that he didn't want me working and he was prepared to pay all of my bills. It was a far cry from his usual 'you're lazy, got get a job because I'm sick of paying your bills'. I knew his offer was disingenuous, and that he was trying to get me back to being fully reliant upon him.