My Abusive Ex

Chapter 4

The death of our child almost destroyed me, I fought hard to come back from that. The trauma of losing a child can never be fully described because the words to describe the pain simply don't exist. But if I can survive that, then I'm certainly not going to let Robert destroy me.

It may take me a while to get back on my feet. I may have ups and downs, but I will keep going.

I just wish Robert would accept we are over and for the sake of the children put all the nastiness behind him. I'm the one juggling the demands of life, work and his feeble attempts to co-parent. He's just turning up as and when he feels like. He disagrees with everything I say and will refuse to co-operate, even when my suggestions are in his best interests. If I say snow is white, he will disagree, it's simply ridiculous.

Once we are apart, I focus on the children. They are my life, and their needs outweigh everything else. I returned to teaching, working part time and continued my training to become a counsellor.

Returning to the classroom has done me the world of good. Although, being honest, for the first year I lived with imposter syndrome. So much had happened in my personal life that my self-esteem was on the floor.

I decided to work through an agency and made it very clear of the days I was available. I organised childcare for my children and was able to have a good work life balance. I went to work, earned enough money to keep us afloat, and because I'm part time we still get quality time together, playdates and adventures.

There was just no way I could have returned to a full-time teaching position. Schools can be really difficult places to work. Challenging behaviour, excessive workload, toxic management. I love teaching but there's a limit and there's only so much we humans have in us. Plus the expense of returning full time would have meant the majority of my salary was going on childcare.

Part time suits me, but it's really hard to find a school that will take a teacher on part time. Schools are actually one of the most family unfriendly workplaces. Whether you want to be part time for young children, older parents, because you wish to pursue other avenues of employment, it doesn't matter. Part-timers are very rare and hugely frowned upon.

Thankfully, I was fortunate to find a school who were so desperate for a relief teacher that they'd give me, a part-timer, a chance. For two and a half months they had trialled so many different teachers. Some lasted a week, others less. The department were desperate, and parents were becoming furious at the lack of continuity.

Classes were reassigned; schools will never leave top sets without a teacher and that meant the bottom sets were the ones with the revolving teacher door. These students can be challenging at the best of times but throw in a large number of relief teachers and their behaviour goes off the scale.

It's incredibly unfair and I completely understand why these bottom sets treat replacements with challenging behaviour. They already feel undervalued, describe themselves as 'thick' or 'stupid', and schools reinforce their lack of expectations when they send their teacher to the top set class.

But this is where I thrive. I love bottom set classes. I bring fun and laughter and structure into their classrooms. I set high expectations but do so with love. I can pick out the leader of the class within minutes and can have them eating out of the palm of my hands just as quickly. We all have our strengths in life, this is mine.

Walking into the school I was quickly introduced to staff and then I was left to do my thing. I didn't think too deeply into it, like I said, I was consumed with imposter syndrome. But the students responded, and they were quickly settled, working hard, and enjoying being in class.

The Head of Department (HOD) walked past a few times and teachers on corridor duty did too. They usually check in on new staff, relief staff and difficult classes. Having a presence around the school is important to ensure students remain in classrooms.

They couldn't believe that I had the students working away quietly. There was confusion over the work I was told to do with them, and in a scenario where so many different teachers have been in the classroom, this can easily happen. Luckily, I can think fast on my feet and always come up with a quick activity, I can wing a lesson when need be.

I also have a strong Liverpool accent and the students thrive on it. They try to make fun of me, but I can make fun of myself, and I use my accent to my own benefit. I've learnt it's a very valuable tool in the classroom.

At the end of the week I had a quick meeting with the HOD, she told me how impressed she had been and knew I was a strong teacher, mostly because I hadn't come to her, or any other member of staff with any problems. She said a number of staff had commented on how quickly the classes had settled with me and how strong my classroom management was.

She explained that there was uncertainty around the return of the absent teacher and asked if I would stay for the remainder of the absence. This was ideal for me because I didn't have to wait for a call at 7.30am and I had secured regular work. Granted I didn't know how long I would be here, but this was great news.

I readily accepted the offer but did make it clear that I can only work three days, there was no possibility of me going full time. The school decided to have a brilliant teacher in place for three days per week is far better than having a revolving door of teachers who can't control the classes.

My continued presence at school then allowed me to start building relationships with staff. The department were extremely friendly and there were endless supplies of tea and coffee available. Some schools are really weird and when new staff or relief staff start, rather than an open arms welcome they tell the new staff they have to bring their own supplies. A relief teacher might have gotten a last-minute phone call and rushed into school, and instead of a friendly welcome and gratitude for covering the absent colleague, they are told not to touch the milk, and not to help themselves to the tea bags or coffee.

I was grateful that this school wasn't like that. I was shown where the cups are, invited to help myself and then told to look forward to Friday lunch. It was a little un-nerving as everyone became a little excited at the mention of Friday lunch, I had no idea what it involved but reserved judgment and just hoped it wasn't a prank.

It certainly wasn't and I quickly grew to love Friday lunch. Each Friday we would have 'Fish Finger Friday'. Everyone would donate a few quid and the HOD would bring in a couple of loaves and a boxes of fish fingers, which the Food Technology department would cook, and then we'd all have fish finger butties for lunch.

It was one of the most successful team building exercises I have ever seen. Teacher well-being at it's finest.

The school was one of these new modern buildings, which had purposely designed a school without a central staffroom. The cynic in me would say to divide and conquer. The result being staff rarely got a chance to mingle and chat. However, each department had a mini staffroom, and the English staffroom was a good size due to the number of teachers.

Come Fishfinger Friday, the room was literally bursting at the seams. Teachers from all over the school, including a few members of the Senior Leadership team (SLT) packed in.

I realised that throughout the week staff would add food to the table, cakes, biscuits, crackers and so in my second week I brought some nibbles along and left them for everyone to enjoy. The gesture went down really well, and I started my transition into becoming a member of the English department.