Broken Wings

chapter 1

Chapter 1.

I wake to a scream in the early hours of the morning, the blood-curdling scream that can only be my own. Upon realizing I had a nightmare I hold the mangy ginger cat close to me, willing him to quadruple in size and hold me back. It has been a week since Buttercup's return. He sleeps most nights here now. Ever since Prim had d... left Buttercup and my relationship has mended some. I clean his wounds and feed him, and in return he comforts me, helping me to mourn. I have thought often about getting rid of him for good but he's there for me when no one else can be, and I don't think I could do it, not with the memory of the love my sister had for this animal. I don't have much of Prim left. So, I'm not going to waste what I have.

I have been trying to start living again. I don't think Prim would have wanted my life to be worthless, so I give myself commands as I did in the first games. Things like "Eat Katniss." or "Sleep now Katniss.".

"Shower Katniss." I say out loud as I loosen my grip on Buttercup, and he flies out of my grasp. I look out my window and see that the sun won't be up for an hour or so. But there is no chance of me sleeping anymore tonight. I get up and head for the bathroom making sure I miss the mirror. No, I can't investigate the glass trap, last time I was stuck for hours. By the time Greasy Sae found me I was a wreck, each time she calmed me down I would see another scar and relive how I got it. She covered me in a blanket and held me until my sobbing slowed. Since then, I have avoided it like it was the plague. I have to stop myself from falling apart because I don't have the strength to put myself back together. I'm scared that if I fall apart anymore, I'll end up like Haymitch, lost in my world of misery. That's why I shower when I wake up like this. Even now the hot jets of water help distract me from the more depressing thoughts sending me down rabbit holes.

A whining brings me to my senses, and I know Buttercup wants breakfast. I get out of the shower dry myself off and dress, as soon as I walk out of the bathroom the cat winds its way around my legs.

"It's too early you stupid cat." I pick him up and sit at my window. Since breakfast is not forthcoming Buttercup hisses at me and runs out the door. After some time, I see him run across the lawn to Peeta Mellark's house. This seems to be happening a lot, in fact, the cat only spends the nights with me. During the day from sunrise to sunset, Buttercup will be with Peeta, he likes Peeta better I suppose. There is only one person Buttercup dislikes more than me, and that is Haymitch. Perhaps it is the fact that Haymitch also dislikes him, or maybe it was because the cat tried to hunt there once and woke Haymitch. This, in turn, sent a shoe flying at him and Buttercup has held a grudge ever since.

I watch Peeta's house come to life, I'd say it's a safe bet to say he was woken by the mangy cats whining. He tried to bring Buttercup back a few times without success because the cat would just run right back. I also think that the awkward air between us had something to do with it. I see Peeta every morning for breakfast. We don't talk. I thank him for the bread he says your welcome, we sit, we eat, and he leaves. What else are we supposed to say? "Hey, did you hear me scream last night, oh, and do you still want me dead, or is it just a sort of loathing now?" I can't do that, so silence will remain for the foreseeable future.

With the sunlight coming through the window, I know it is time to move on. I can't risk him seeing me watching for slight glimpses of him as he, wakes and bakes. I look over to Haymitch's house and see that today will be one of the days we are graced with his presence. Haymitch may be a drunk, but he is the closest thing I've had to a father in years so as much as he annoys me no end, I am glad that he seems to be drinking less. After about another hour I see more movement as the day starts, Haymitch surprisingly is the first to come over. He hobbles over now, and I see that he isn't the only one coming my way. Greasy Sae is coming up to Haymitch, once she is next to him, I see them having some sort of conversation. Greasy Sae is commanding Haymitch about something and by the time she gets him to agree they are at my door. I know they have entered the threshold by the sound of Haymitch flopping down on my couch.

"Katniss! Get down here this is no way to greet your guests!" I hear him baiting me from below, when I come down sure enough, there he is sprawled out on the couch.

"Make yourself comfortable," I say sarcastically. This just makes him laugh and I'm pretty sure I hear Sae chuckling from the kitchen. "What's for breakfast?" I ask.

"Just some eggs for with the bread. Is he here yet?" In reply, the front door opens and closes. The air instantly cools by about ten degrees. I see him walk in he says hello to Sae in the kitchen then come to join Haymitch and me in the lounge. He sits down across from me but doesn't look in my direction. This is normal for us but awkward, so instead, I focus on trying to hit Haymitch with little balls of paper I have ripped and rolled from on the coffee table. Once I start to get my eye in, he dips his head to tell me to stop when they land in his nose. This produces many protests from Haymitch, but the most surprising part is the chuckle from Peeta which pulls me up short, he is quick to cover it up with a cough though.

Breakfast is called and Haymitch glares at me as he leaves but I take no notice because I'm still stunned by Peeta. He laughed, not the cold dismissive laugh I last heard, but a real one. Not only that but it involved me. I did something that made him laugh. No. this can't be, can it?

"Oh, sweetheart." Trills Haymitch, something is off in his cheerful tone. Three seconds ago, he was glaring at me but now as I walk into the kitchen he is beaming.

"What?" I ask.

"Oh, nothing. Sae, I can watch the kids this morning. How about you take it off, we'll clean up. My treat." With this comment, I observed Haymitch carefully. I have never seen him wash so much as a mug, let alone after a meal.

"No, I think I'm fine thanks," Sae says watching Haymitch with as much caution as I do.

At this Haymitch drops his smirk and grumbles in reply, but the twinkle never leaves his eye which worries me some. After that we eat our eggs with little interruption, I just sit and think about the last time I heard Peeta laugh in my presence. It was when his and my first real conversation since the Quell. He was watching me and talking to me like I was a murderer who the court said is innocent even though you are sure you saw them with the knife. After that we only had one other real conversation about his memories. He said he was more in control of himself, and he could sort of organise the memories between real and fake. If that is true maybe, he did laugh because of me. Maybe he doesn't hate me that much. But then again, real or fake, Peeta had finally realized who I really am. Deadly. Violent. Distrustful. Manipulative.

A sick sense that I'm being watched grows on me and I look up. Both Haymitch and Greasy Sae are staring at me. "What?" I ask defensively. There is a long pause before Greasy Sea grins and says, "You finished your plate."

I have indeed, I haven't been able to do that without getting sick for a long, long time. Though it was a small serving I'm full, but not sick. The thought brings the corners of my mouth up for just a second before they come down again. This small achievement brings the adults to a talkative mood, but I zone them out. My mind starts to wander again and so does my gaze until I find that Haymitch and Sae weren't the only ones looking at me. Peeta is staring so intently at me that he is looking through me. So deep in thought he doesn't even look away like he is looking at my past not me in my present. With this advantage, I look into his eyes and once grey meets blue we are stuck, he is back in the present searching my soul. We ask each other so many questions yet know that the other can't hear them. I see confusion, desperation, and ... hurt. Hurt that I caused just by being me. This boy never did anything to deserve the hurt that he has, yet I gave it to him. The thought makes me want to cry, but I can't do that now, not when people can see me. So, with much apprehension, I let go of the closest I have been with Peeta Mellark, my boy with the bread, since the Quarter Quell.

After breakfast is cleaned up Haymitch walks Sae out. As soon as she is gone Haymitch sprints back into the kitchen, grabs the tomato sauce drenching me with it, and runs out the back door. Laughing so hard we hear him all the way to his house where he shouts "payback!". He then turns into his house still chuckling. I go scowling to the bathroom to wash up and change. Once I'm dressed, I go back downstairs and find Peeta, whom I had forgotten was still here, cleaning up the sauce that is everywhere. Wordlessly I bend down and help him. He has that expression of concentration and I know he is deep in thought. When it's all cleaned up, he does one last surprising thing.

"Goodbye."

He said it to me! There isn't anybody else here so it must have been meant for me. This could mean many things, but I don't even try to overthink it. Peeta just said goodbye, he didn't just leave he said "goodbye". This notion is what gives me the first smile I've had in months.