Broken Wings

chapter 2

I walk back from the woods content, even boarder line happy. The exchange with Peeta gave me more energy to face the empty void which is my day. I spent the day in the woods, hunting and gathering. I went to the strawberry patch and mended some of the nettings around them. This summer is going to be a great strawberry harvest, some strawberries are already nearly ready. I even managed to shoot a wild turkey. Haymitch will be pleased with this, he has a back for them. He even went so far as to ask for one once. That was before the tour. I'll have to ask Sae to cook it up for us tonight, assuming he isn't too drunk to eat. Once I get back it's sunset and Buttercup is waiting at the door, too lazy to go through the window I leave open for him. I notice the is some flour stuck to his coat and I start to think that maybe I should invite Peeta as well.

"Did you have a good day?" Buttercup just looks at me. "I must be losing my mind if I'm talking to you." I roll my eyes and head inside to clean the bird. Buttercup sits at my feet eagerly as he waits for the intestinal content, as per tradition, but when I open the draw to get a knife I crumble to my knees. I almost land on him as I tremble with what I have found in my hand. In the draw next to my skinning knife was prims last report card. All A's or higher, this achievement once filled me with pride no fills me with remorse.

She was so gentle, so intelligent and would have helped so many people, she was so, so pure. I remember the time Peeta told me I was pure, he said that's why I was being mocked by the other tributes. Well, he couldn't be more wrong. I have ended to many lives for purity to even look in my direction. She should be here not me. The only thing I have ever given to anyone is death, pain and hurt. Prim on the other had was so kind and giving, spreading hope and joy wherever she went. Why did she have to leave? If she were here instead of me would be able to relate at least some of this world I have so badly hurt. If anyone should have died in her place, it should have been me. Me, because she was my responsibility. Me, because I deserve it.

I'm shaking now, I have too much sorrow to even produce tears. Those sounds are forming in the back of my throat from the pain of my lost sister. I put the card in my pocket and after the scent of my sister reaches Buttercup starts wailing along with me. After I'm all out of sorrowful sounds and the whimpers have died, I'm in a ball on the floor unable to move. I stay like this for several hours, with the same pattern. Breath in. Prim is gone. Breath out. Prim is no more. Breath in. You should be dead. Breath out. On and on this numbing cycle holds me. I'm vaguely aware of someone shaking me, after some time they stop, and I faintly hear the door close. Breath in. You're only a burden. Breath out. I'm lifted from the ground and moved somewhere soft and narrow; it must be the couch. "Katniss? Katniss can you hear me?" I hear a gentle toned, gruff voice say. My senses are back but I just stare... I'm stuck I can't move, I can only breath. Haymitch looks in me straight in the eyes.

"Leave her until morning, we'll make our move from there."

"Are you sure, I..." Sae begins but is cut off by sharp glare from Haymitch. "Alright." She says with a sigh. I know I'm worrying them, but I have fallen to many pieces this time. I don't feel anything. I am a hollow void of any sense of feeling, my mind empty of any thoughts. I can hear everything though; I hear them leave. I hear the door close; their footsteps disappear. I hear the cat find a bed. I hear the cricket's chirp. I hear the clock tick. Hour after hour, in tick tock, out tick tock. Outside somewhere I hear a man's cry and a crush of some glass. Then it is all still, all quiet but the night sounds. I hear the sounds change to those of the morning. I hear all this, but not once do I feel anything, not once do I do more than blink. I don't know if I'll ever feel again. Maybe the end is finally coming, no one else needs me. It's time to let nature take its course. So, from now on I won't resist, I will wash and die with dignity, but I refuse eat. After the first day I only see Sae, she tries to feed me but I'm persistent. I don't move from the couch at breakfast, I just stare at the wall. I don't plan on giving Sae false hope. I know the others come because I can hear them, but they don't come farther than the kitchen. This just confirms my theory of not being cared for. Greasy Sae is paid, I'm sure of it and the boys are only here for the free breakfast.

The cycle is always the same. They come, Sae cooks, she tries to feed, they leave. Greasy Sae tries to make me lamb stew on the fourth day, Effie must have been called for this, but I still don't eat. You would think I'd feel bad for ignoring the effort being put in, but I still don't feel anything. I am like an empty canvas, resistant to all colours. Once Sae gives up and walks back in the kitchen, I hear chatter.

"Did it work?" I wonder who said that?

"No. I don't know how much longer she can last at this; Katniss might not last the week." Sae says forlornly. "Chin up Peeta, we haven't lost her yet." Peeta? Why would he be upset? My emotions start to crack though whatever wall my subconscious has built around them, until I realise, he is being polite. Peeta is just trying to comfort Greasy Sae. With tis thought I'm plunged back into nothingness.

I'm getting weaker. The movement to the shower is getting to much for me, and by the end of day five I have finished brushing my teeth for the last time. I don't think I'll make it to tomorrow night, but still no remorse comes. The next morning I wake but don't rise, when Sae comes I don't hear her feet might have finally realised it's pointless. I start to close my eyes to sleep when I hear new footsteps coming toward me. For some reason, I close my eyes tight. They sit in front of me and put a dish on the floor next to them. I know who it is, and right now I wish it was anyone out him. Anyone but the one person capable of crushing my walls no matter how quickly I try and rebuild them. Why is he here? I think as I shut my eyes so tight, I can start to see the reds and blues floating about. A hesitant hand comes up and touches my face, moving some of my hair aside. This simple gesture breaks me like a broken dam wall. I open my eyes, but my vision is blurry from my tears. Peeta stares at me with those brilliant blues that hold something so gentle yet determined.

"Your favourite, real or not real?" He asks as he lifts the plate. It takes me a second to realise what he's made. Cheese buns. The delicacy I once told him where my favourite, not only that but he has remembered. I'm too scared my voice will let me down from lack of use so I just nod, still crying but without sound. He seems relieved but he doesn't show it for long, quickly taken over by hope.

"Eat." He commands.

"I...I can't." My voice is rough, but there.

"Why?" In response, I grab the card that I have stored under the cushion. He takes it and reads it as I bury my face in the pillow to try to muffle the sounds of my sobbing.

"It should have been me!" I say in between sobs and breaths. "She gave, hope and I just give destruction. Now I'm...." I choke but I must get this out. If I don't, he will just try and help me.

"You're what, Katniss?" I look up from my pillow because he needs to know this.

"A burden. A burden that no one deserves to carry. So just let me go, let me die. It is what everybody wants." As soon as I say this, I shove my head into my pillow again and wait for him to leave. Instead, I feel as he rolls me off the couch, and down to him. He hesitantly takes my chin and lifts my head to look at him, just like he used to. He looks unsure of himself, yet he says.

"No. I don't know much of myself or anything for that matter, but I know I don't want you to die. And that's not what you and I do. We protect each other even from ourselves. Now please, eat?"

I look into his bright blue eyes. I can see he is also surprised by what he says, but he means it. This just adds to the sad thoughts going through my head, I keep hearing his words bouncing around. I don't know much of myself or anything for that matter... I remember the night before our first games, it was late, and I couldn't sleep so I went up to the roof for some fresh air. When I got there, I found Peeta had had the same mind pattern. "I just don't want them to change me." He said, didn't think it possible, of course then I didn't know how capable the Capitol was of such cruelty. And that is saying something considering I was being sent to my breath for entertainment. Now look at him, all his thoughts are a gamble of true or false and it's all my fault. I want to make this right, but I don't know how. And how can I refuse anything from him? I have hurt Peeta deeply in all ways possible. So, I eat.