Broken Wings

chapter 8

It is time to make breakfast because Peeta will be here in half an hour. Today is far too hot for cooked food so I just make some salad to have on the bread Peeta brings. Hopefully, it's sourdough today. As I'm finishing cleaning up and getting plates out it is already time, I guess I'm still shaken because I move very slowly, I sit and wait. I don't wait long because Peeta comes through far too cheerily and says good morning. My response is very quiet and with no eye contact because whenever I look at him he transforms into the bruised being of my dream. I hear the door open and close again and I'm filled with rage.

"What are you doing here?" I glare at Haymitch, how dare he step foot in this house with his traitorous behaviour? My comment doesn't seem to shake him at all, he just rolls his eyes and sits down. My mood seems to have dropped everyone into silence as we eat, which is fine by me because I can focus on not letting anyone see my scar. At one point I cover my mouth with my hand, pretending to yawn, so I can grab the bread that had been sliced when Peeta makes eye contact and I have to look down again because I'm still not seeing him in reality. The sensation leaves a sick feeling in my stomach so strong I get to the point of pushing my plate, hardly touched, forward and sit staring at the wood. Focusing on not crying, because I know it is all in my head even though it seems so real. I sit dead still, where I stay until Haymitch leaves. Then I get up, clear the plates and start to wash them.

"Katniss? Are you okay?" Peeta says with a cautious touch on my shoulder, reminding me of my resolve not to let him see my real problems.

"Yes," I try to say cheerily to the soapy water. "I'm just not feeling great today, I'm going to go to the woods." I can tell he doesn't believe that I'm okay, but I really hope he drops it. I can't face him now, not when I can't look at him without having a meltdown. The odds have never been in my favour and that doesn't change now, because Peeta isn't done, and he isn't going to let it go. "you're a terrible liar Katniss."

"I know, that's why you know I'm telling the truth." I keep my back to him as I fetch my bow and arrows from the study. Peeta is persistent trying his hardest to get me to let him in on what's bugging me, playing twenty questions from the kitchen as I answer yes, or no. I get fed up really quickly after he asks if it was something he did, and I start to yell.

"I'm fine, okay! I'm not your problem and I'm not asking to become one either, that is a burden that I am only able to carry! Except there isn't a burden today because I am fine! Please believe me." But now I have my shoes on and ready to go, this rage really upped my drive.

"Okay, I'll believe you." His tone is like he is trying to hold his temper "If you can look me in the eyes and say it." Peeta is driving me mad, why is he testing me like this? I'm so caught up in the moment I spin around to say it to his face when I see it though, my rage dissolves. I can see he is fine but the memory of him dyeing in my arms is far too strong. My hand flies to my mouths involuntarily, to hide the scar and to stop the sounds escaping. Before I do something like fall to my knees and cry, "Fine if you won't leave I will!" and I run as fast as I can to wherever my feet will carry me.

It doesn't take me long until I find myself in the woods. I haven't been here in a while, but everything looks the same, the trees are all older, but I'm filled with a sense of welcome that I haven't had in a while. I am alone and I don't have to hide my feelings any longer, so it takes no at all to fall to my knees and cry. I'm free to make as much noise as I can because no can hear me out here, so I scream and cry and shout to no one in particular. I shout at Haymitch for doing what he did. I shout at my mother for leaving me. I shout at Snow for causing all this. I leave my throat raw by the end of it, and my body takes over again leading me to somewhere I don't consciously know of. When I finally come to a halt, I find myself in the meeting place of Gale and me. I sit down and pick a few blackberries to eat and gaze at the view. From here you can see a long way off, because of the height of the location.

We used to always meet here because we could scope out the land to see what we wanted to do that day. Gale was an excellent hunting partner, who always watched your back no matter how lost in thought he was. His mind was amazing when it came to hunting, with brains and my talent with a bow and arrow we made an unstoppable team. I always felt happier seeing him here waiting for me. He was the only person who I could be myself around, free to say whatever I want to. Not because I trusted him more than Prim, but she never came to the woods with me, and when she did it was more me trying to teach her how to hunt and gather. I didn't have to teach Gale, so conversations could get more in-depth. He would go on and on about the unfairness of the capital, and I let him because this was the only place he could speak his mind without fear. I listened not fully understanding. Me, I would vent about my loss of reflect for my mother and my secret wishes to have my guard down to let her in. Nothing changed for either of us, but we went home feeling better.

I remember one time Gale was in a mood for days. He was never really a talker, much like me, but I knew he would come round. I just had to give it time. But it was taking too long and his mood was making it hard to hunt. When he got upset, he would keep quiet and grunt to most questions or just give on worded answers, this made It hard to plan what hunting and trading was to happen. By the end of the week our trading was down, and I was fed up. As we were passing a creak I filled my water skin up and waited until there we weren't looking for game. When he finally sat down, I dumbed the entire thing on his head, causing him to start shouting at me with more word he had used in a week combined.

"What the heck?! What did you do that for?!" He stood up and emptied the water from his bag sending his berries into the mud. "Now look what you've done! How am I supposed to sell these later?"

"We were going to trade later? I wouldn't know you don't tell me anything!" I shouted along but mainly because it's in me to fight back.

"You've had something bugging you all week, but have you told me what about? No!

How am I supposed to know what's going on if you don't talk? If you don't want to tell me your problems fine, if it's not me why would I care. But I need you to use actual words. I don't talk telepathically."

My shouting had quieted some, as Gale's view was in the trees but his face was still flushed. When finally did tell me it was because his brother wanted to learn to hunt. Gale knew the day would come when he had to teach Rory but the idea of going to the mines and not getting enough food was unbearable. Gale never wanted his family to have to work to win the bread. That was his job.

Sitting here now I miss Gale, but not for who he is but who he was to me. Someone I can share my burdens with so that I don't have fight solo. If Gale came back now I wouldn't want to talk to him, but I do miss having... a friend. If I had that I could talk about my dreams and be done with them. Because at the end of the day I'll have the same amount dreams but I would know I could face them, face them with backup. That's what Peeta helped me with. Peeta would talk to me about his dreams and I mine, and it helped. The dreams came back of course, but the fear from them didn't last as long. I wish I had that now, his friendship, but I don't know if he does. I miss days when he and I walked around twelve together or played on the roof at the training centre. He did try and help this morning, but Peeta has always done the good thing, the right thing. I guess the best option would be to ask him if he still means what he said on the Victory tour. The only way to find out is to ask. And just like that, I start moving again only this time I know where I'm going. It's time to find out if Peeta does care.