TW: Mentions of sh, anxiety, depression, su!cide, and other mental health shit
------------------------------
I don't really expect anyone to read this, but if you decide to, thank you.
I don't really have anyone else to talk to atm and I needed to talk about everything and, let's be honest, sometimes it's just easier to talk to people you don't know.
Starting a couple weeks ago, my anxiety was getting really bad to the point I would have mental breakdowns close to every night and I would cry myself to sleep most nights.
A couple days after that started, I began cutting myself a lot more and a lot worse than I did before. It was so bad to the point that the pain would still be there just as strong the following day and I limped a lot and even had a little trouble walking up stairs without having to stop to ease the pain.
I opened up to my friend about everything like I usually do because she's the only one who listens, and I crossed a line by accident accusing her of making no time for me, which I know for a fact is not true at all, and we got into an argument about it.
I had a lot of negative thoughts that night and cut myself more on my arm this time because I was running out of room on my thighs. I also had a lot of thoughts about suicide that night and wasn't very far away from cutting my throat with my blade. Thankfully I didn't, but the thoughts didn't go away.
My friend and I quickly made up after I realized how stupid and ignorant I was being, but I still cried myself to sleep that night with voices telling me that I was, and am, so idiotic and I didn't deserve to wake up in the morning.
--
A couple days later I opened up to my cousin for the first time, which went a lot better than I expected because she relates a lot to what I'm going through. She suggested a mental health day and she would pick me up from school in the middle of the day and we would go out and do a bunch of random things that would take my mind off of everything, to which I told her sounded like a great idea.
My mom disagreed and told me that I shouldn't be missing school just because of my mental health (which 1. made my thoughts worse and 2. she completely missed the reason as to why my mental health is so bad, which is because of school).
Instead my cousin picked me up after school and we went out for about 2 hours before I had martial arts, which that did help, but the pain from my cuts was still very bad. Even just walking around from store to store I had a noticeable limp, which I was glad my cousin either saw and ignored to keep my mood up, or just never noticed.
I ended up going to the school counselor's that same day and they called my mom to tell her the details I couldn't bring myself to tell her, so we looked into getting me a therapist.
--
Now, I've been doing a little better and close to 2 weeks clean, but I still have the urge to bring the blade back out, and it only gets stronger each day, but I'm managing.
Also, I'm gonna start seeing a school social worker next Thursday which I feel is going to be a huge step in my recovery.
And one last thing, something I found that is giving me motivation to stay clean is the Butterfly Project. I'm not sure if any of you have heard of it, but if not, here's the rules:
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
I just started a couple days ago and already have a few butterflies, but it gives me so much motivation to continue my streak and stay clean.
If anyone else feels that this might be helpful, please try it because so far it's kept me away from my blade.
I still obviously get a lot of invasive thoughts, but I've been doing better at keeping those out.
If anyone else wants to vent in the comments, feel free to chat away :)
I love u guys <3 get some sleep, drink some water, and get a snack and remember that no matter what you may be dealing with, someone else is too, so don't be afraid to reach out and get help from anyone ❤️
