Like Real People Do - Jill Roord

Neither Of Us Were Enough

Jill's POV

I woke up in Hunter's room, glancing around to see she was already gone which was strange because it was usually me pulling her out of bed. We had training this afternoon so the morning was free, part of me was relieved we wouldn't go through the struggle of getting Hunter ready so early, but the other part of me dreaded the hours before training began. 
I walked downstairs, peaking round the corner of the lounge door to see Hunter wasn't on the sofa, nor in any of the armchairs. So, I continued into the kitchen where I heard a clutter and Hunter cursing to herself. 

"Hunter?" I called, being quick to run in there. The morning had only just begun and my heart was already struggling to keep up with my anxiety, "Hunter what happened?"

I saw her knelt on the floor, shards of glass surrounded her and she was attempting to pick them all up with her bare hands. I rushed towards her and pulled her up, gently guiding her towards the other end of the kitchen where the glass had not fallen.

"Are you alright?" I looked her up and down.

"I'm fine, I dropped a glass," She replied, not seeming to care. Though she didn't show her care for anything anymore, myself included. 

"I'll clean it up," I nodded, finding the dustpan and brush before bending down and begining to clean the floor.

I looked up to see Hunter reaching for a new bottle of vodka. 

"What are you doing?" I quickly stood up, something switched within me, yesterday I'd realized that I wasn't helping Hunter to get better because I allowed her to continue the cycle. She needed to stop drinking, Joe was already benching her for games and I knew it wouldn't be much longer until the club began asking serious questions. "Where did you get that from?"

"If you really must know, I went out this morning," her words were already slurred. 

I tried to pull the bottle from her hand, "I'm not letting you do this anymore Hunts, you'll go to an even darker place."

She scoffed, "Why do you care?" Hunter tilted her chin up, almost challenging me. 

And that was when I snapped. I couldn't do this anymore, I was a mess and struggling to hold everything together; my life was falling apart and I was forcing myself to hide that fact so I wouldn't upset Hunter. Upset Hunter who didn't care about me at all anymore.  

"All I've done is care!" I couldn't help but raise my voice, "I help you with everything! Everything! And you don't even talk to me."

Hunter furrowed her eyebrows, "I do talk to you."

"You don't," I felt the tears prick my eyes, I felt the my throat tighten, "You don't talk to anyone anymore; Leah and Wally came over for dinner last night, after searching the streets for you, and you didn't say a single word to them! And don't think I don't know Alexia calls five times a day but you never pick up; she's your sister!"

"I talk to Alexia," Hunter blinked, looking down at the floor.

"You didn't even know the Ballon d'Or awards were last night," I reasoned, so pained by the memories of the girl I missed, "You were meant to be there Hunts."

"She never invited me."

"She did and you text her saying you were busy, do you know how much that probably upset her? She was there with no one."

Hunter's eyes were still empty, even after all of this, she still didn't care.
I so desperately wanted to love her, I was so used to loving her, I thought I'd love her until the very end but loving something or someone had never been more difficult. Loving someone who does not love themself is difficult enough, but loving someone who goes to every extent to ruin themselves is a different story. My promise of love was slowly untying, this girl wasn't the girl I had fallen in love with; it wasn't the girl I knew, the girl I missed. I didn't know this person, I didn't like this person... I don't think I could love this person.
I'd loved Hunter with every part of my being and soul. I'd loved her in every sense of the word. I'd even loved her in senses of the word I hadn't known to exist before. But now I saw that this person wasn't Hunter. 

Would it have been insensitive for me to just yell at her 'get your shit together so I can love you'? Because all I wished to do was love Hunter and continue the life we'd built for ourselves in the world we'd loved. The world she'd so easily tilted. 

I found myself breathless, "When will you realize that you will die if this continues?"
I'd been so scared of loosing Hunter but now I'd realized I already had. She was gone. 

Hunter didn't reply, she stared at the floor with those hollow eyes and that vacant expression, though I knew she was listening. I just prayed I could find something which would light a fuse to start that fire again. 

"When will this stop Hunts? When will you talk to me so we can get out of this awful place?" I was fighting, I was screaming at her to wake up from this nightmare and let us live the dream we'd once had, but Hunter just stared blankly at the floor; she really wasn't there, was she? How was I meant to fight for the both of us, we were meant to be a team but Hunter wasn't here to fight. Who was I even fighting, because these days it felt like I was fighting against Hunter; the one who was supposed to be on my side, who had once been on my side.

"Don't you want to know what it is to be alive again?" I pleaded with her. 

Hunter slowly shook her head.

"What do you want then? Because whatever it is, I will find a way for you to have it," I would've tied a lasso around the moon for her, I would've built a crane up to the sun, I'd have found a way to capture a star or bottle a cloud. Anything. I'd have done it all. 

Her eyes latched onto the surface of my own, before she huffed, "I want a drink." Her words were numb. 

A tear rolled down my cheek. She was gone. I looked at her, at a person I could no longer pretend to recognize. I shouldn't fool myself for any longer, in fact, I should've never fooled myself in the first place. It terrified me to know that I didn't have the answers. The answers to save Hunter. The answers to save us.
I'd tried. I'd seen her unravelling and I'd tried to tie her back into the beautiful bow she'd once been but it hadn't worked, the ribbon had slipped through my fingers, along with our chances of a future it seemed. It hadn't worked and I didn't know what would.
 To get through to her, I'd also have to break through all the walls she'd built up and the lies she'd spun. It wasn't easy like it used to be, she was hiding too much and seemed to trust me too little. Neither of us were enough anymore. 

There was only one thing I could think of and as much as it terrified me, I didn't see any other options. 
Me or the alcohol? 
If any part of Hunter was still there, she'd choose me, she'd fight to get better so we could have a future and the life we'd spent this year dreaming about.
If Hunter chose the alcohol it meant that I wouldn't have ever been able to help her get better. If she chose the alcohol, it would be better for me to leave because then no one was here to cover up her lies.
I couldn't help her hide this anymore, not when she was only drifting further and further away. I loved Hunter but I wouldn't continue loving this person, this disease, into killing Hunter. It broke me, but I couldn't do it. For Hunter's sake, I would need to leave. 

I gulped, "Hunter you have to decide now because I cannot continue in this cycle any longer, neither of us can," I was terrified for those words to leave my mouth but I trusted even just a fraction of Hunter was still there, I just needed her to fight to be alive. To fight for me and for us. "So you have to choose, if you take another drink I will be gone from your life. If I stay, we will work through this together, I will do everything I can and you will get better. But I need to know the truth, I need you to choose."

_____________________

predictions?