Like Real People Do - Jill Roord

This Is For The Best

Jill's POV

It was the first day back at Arsenal training after the international break; those days had felt long and the match against England only messed with my mind more after seeing those hollow rings around Leah's eyes. She hadn't heard anything from them. I certainly hadn't either. So when we pulled into the carpark, I couldn't help but pray I'd see Hunter's car and the energetic brunette, I'd first met, running towards everyone to welcome them back to Arsenal; the place she'd always called home. 

Though we pulled into the carpark and I didn't see her car, I didn't see her face and I couldn't hear her laugh. It was just silence.

Viv cleared her throat and finally opened the door, which urged Lisa and I to follow her towards the boot and pull out our bags and walk towards the building. Wordlessly. Slowly. With heavy hearts and a thousand memories. 
The house had felt different since Hunter arrived on our doorstep that evening. No one spoke as much, no one liked to mention her name or even talk about the squad. None of us liked to think about the squad without her. 

For I'd never known Arsenal without Hunter. In my eyes, Hunter was Arsenal, she was the heart and soul of the team which treated me like family. I feared to see the squad without Hunter present, I questioned who'd fill those moments of silence with laughter, or keep everyone on their toes on a night out. Though most of all I feared returning to normality without her, because normality would never feel natural if I didn't have her by my side.

I'd felt hollow since she left, completely and utterly empty.Like an old house that is vacant of all furniture and any life. Everything that comes here was an echo of the memories that have already been made, the memories with her, the ones that are now long gone. I felt like an old house with caution tape wrapped around me and condemned signs nailed to the front door. I was so afraid that nobody would ever call this place home after her again. But then there was a sharper side of me that was even more afraid that someone would try.
Maybe one day someone would come along to remove that tape and rip down those signs, maybe those echoes will one day be silenced by new memories, new memories with someone other than her.
I should've found comfort in that idea, I should've been looking forward to that day, but I wasn't.I wanted it to be Hunter, I wanted her to be the one, and I think that sharp, but very present, part of me always will. Always. 

The three of us walked into the changing room to be met by the chatter of the team who didn't know if their beloved little sister would be returning. Sure, Hunter had missed out on many training sessions before the break, but everyone had always held a strong sense of belief that she'd come back ten times stronger. I hoped they were right, I hoped Hunter might come back in a week or two and the past could be forgotten. 

"Jill! You're here!" Katie walked over to me and pulled me into a hug. 

I tried to smile and wrap my arms around her and that wasn't even the challenge, the challenge was to make the gesture feel real. And from the look on Katie's face when she pulled away, I'd failed.

"You alright mate?" She rested her hand on my shoulder. 

"Yeah," I nodded, my voice raspy before I quickly cleared my throat, "Just tired I guess."

"No time for that," Katie chuckled, "They're bringing in the new manager today."

"What? Really?" I furrowed my eyebrows. 

"Didn't you know? They sent us emails about it weeks ago," The brunette threw on her training jumper. 

"Must have just missed it," I mumbled, though I knew I hadn't checked my emails because my laptop was still in that house. The house I purposefully never drove past, the house I'd make my journeys double the length for, just because seeing that house would've been enough for me to climb out of the car and kneel down on the doorstep, praying she'd come out and letting the frost cover me over until she did.