Like Real People Do - Jill Roord

That Sounds Like A Bigger Regret

Jill's POV

I'd come to a realization in the past week, actually I think that I'd come to a realization a long time ago. Though now I'd actually been able to recognize it, however I didn't quite know how to accept it yet.
Seeing as I didn't have any family in London, there was only one person I thought I could turn to about this, someone who'd always been like a sister to me. 

It was Lisa's birthday dinner and all the Arsenal girls were sitting around a large table talking amongst themselves. The tension had diffused slightly but I still chose to mostly ignore much of the group as no amends had been made. 
My living situation hadn't been too awful during the international break because Lisa went off to her national camp in Scotland, whereas Viv stayed with me at the house. Viv agreed that Hunter had been treated poorly and deserved better, she also said that she'd talk to her girlfriend about it but I didn't care what Lisa now did. Because I'd always know what Lisa did in the past. 

"Viv," I whispered, wanting to talk to her privately, "Can we talk at the bar for a minute?"

Viv nodded, already trying to find the answers from my expression, "What do you need to talk about?"

I pressed my lips together, already feeling anxious enough about this all, "Can we just talk in private?"

Soon as Viv saw my anxiety, she stood up right away and pulled me to the bar, "What is it?" She asked me as we sat down. 

I held my breath, unsure how I'd even say the words out loud if I could barely manage to in my mind, fiddling with my fingers I avoided eye contact with Jill at all costs.

"Jill..." Viv sounded worried.

It wasn't a particularly worrying topic for everyone else, though for me it was so nerve-wracking that I almost wished I could go back to a time when I'd never noticed these feelings. My feelings weren't even the thing on my mind, it's the damage they could create that kept me up at night.

After everything I'd seen Hunter go through; the injury, the breakdowns, the vulnerability, I felt more connected to her than anyone I'd ever met. Even from the first second when our eyes met, I knew we were tied together by some invisible string. That very first night, I'd seen something in her eyes and it brought me to a place I'd never experienced before but I hadn't stayed long enough to decide whether it would be the best or worst decision of my life to follow her. But I followed her anyway, and now I knew it had been the best. 
I knew these feeling ran much deeper than a simple friendship. But why did everything that felt good, have to be so equally confusing and difficult?
We were such good friends and I knew Hunter probably didn't feel the same way, nor did she seem in a place to even venture into those type of feelings, so I knew only damage would be created from this. I couldn't imagine the perfect dream coming to life but I didn't understand how to sit there in silence when everything else spoke in such volumes. That's why I needed Viv.

"I like someone Viv," I quietly blurted out, which may have been the understatement of a century but when those words were so hard to come by Viv wasn't about to hear some love sonnet.

"Okay?" Viv sounded rather uncertain, "You had me scared there for a second. That's good, right?"

I shook my head, "No. No. it's not."

Viv furrowed her eyebrows, "You're going to have to explain this a little to me Jill."

"I really like her," I stressed.

"And you want advice?" Viv asked, wondering why she was actually here if I wasn't going to speak.

I huffed, figuring out a solution to my verbal barrier, "Okay, what would you do if you really liked someone, but you don't think they feel the same way about you? But you're friends so you don't want to ruin that and it's just ridiculously complicated."