Like Real People Do - Jill Roord

To Save us

Jill's POV

Hunter hadn't come to training on Tuesday.

Or Wednesday.

Or Thursday.

Or Friday.

And every single day I'd watched that door, begging her to walk through it with a smile on her face. Begging her to walk into training, sober and happy. 
But it never happened. 

And even if it had, I don't think we could ever be together again, because as much as I missed Hunter, I realized now that I couldn't have ever saved her. Because to even have a chance of that, she needed to accept the help and want to be saved.

But still, I sat there jogging my knee and fiddling with my fingers with my eyes on that very door. I knew everything about Hunter had changed me; every word had stuck with me and every act of kindness was a reminder that the good in humanity still existed though I never was able to shake the bad. The fights would come flashing back, the screaming on a constant loop in my nightmares and that one lonely tear which had rolled down her face as she pleaded with me to go. I'd forever remember her as the girl I'd left, the one with hollow eyes and a blank mind, and that was the thing I hated most of all. 

I'd known two people, I'd been madly in love with one of them and terrified of the other. No word could have ever described how much I'd adored Hunter; I'd loved in the unexplainable ways one enjoys 90s movies or the perfect gene of music that feels like it was written for you, and only you. I'd loved her so much that she'd become part of my soul, or more so that I realized she always had been. Hunter's smile had brightened my days, the way her eyes creased and her smile lines told the story of a thousand lifetimes of laughter. I'd loved her with everything I had, I'd loved her more than I thought possible.
But then it came to the person I'd feared, the person who'd locked Hunter in a cell and become a stranger waltzing around our life. This person was cold, distant and sharp. Her eyes had no depth and her actions couldn't be respected. I'd tried to fight to find Hunter within this person, but it was scary how quickly things had fallen through the cracks of my fingers, it sickened me to remember the countless nights I'd spent awake as I searched for answers because I knew I'd never found our answer. I'd never been able to save Hunter. I'd never been able to save us.

But I was angry. So very angry. Because how could she have done this to us? To me? 
I hated the anger which found itself built up in the back of my throat and the nastiness which pushed to the forefront of my brain. I wasn't this person; I wasn't angry, I wasn't anxious, I wasn't spiteful. But somehow she'd turned me into all of those things; not Hunter, but the person she'd become. 

"She's not coming," Viv rested her hand on my shoulder; no one had been by my side more than her this week. I'd returned to our house that night a mess and was still just as harrowed, even while Viv didn't know everything, she knew me well enough to be the support I needed right now.

"Yeah," I muttered, looking down to the floor, praying that if I waited just a couple more seconds Hunter would burst into the changing room; I didn't even think I could face her but it would mean everything to know she was okay. My mind just couldn't seem to leave her behind yet, I assumed it wouldn't for a long time.

"Jill, come on, everyone's out on the pitch already," Viv sent me a small smile.

My eyes burned into that door, "Okay."

Training had felt long yet somehow blurred right past me, one minute I'd followed Viv out onto the pitch and the next we were entering the changing room again. Though when I thought about it, the time inbetween those two events felt like a lifetime. Nothing quite made sense anymore, the team that had once felt like home, had turned into a cage I wanted to free myself off.