Hiding

Chapter twenty-one

"You can just ask me, you know that right?" The young man, who they now know is named Harper, looks directly at Alec across the table.

Alec can feel himself blushing. Apparently, he has been starring a bit too much at him.

"I'm sorry." He says quickly.

"No need to be sorry. Its clear you have questions, and I don't mind answering." The young man smiles. "It seems like you don't come across transgenders that often."

"No, I don't. This is a first time for me." Alec admits. He looks over at Magnus for a second and when he gives him an encouraging nod, he continues. "And I might be scared to come off as rude if I ask anything, and that is not my intention."

"I know." He says and takes a big bite of his cheeseburger. Still with food in his mouth, he continues, "go ahead. Shoot."

"Don't talk with your mouth full." His mother reprimands.

"Sorry." Still with food in his mouth he grins at his mother who just shakes her head at him. "So, your questions?"

"Uhm... Well, I really don't know anything about this. Like at all, so maybe you can just tell me a bit about you?"

"Sure." He swallows the food quickly when his mother sends him a glare. "Well, I've always known that I was different. I never felt comfortable around the girls. And when puberty hit, it became really fucking hard."

"Language."

"Sorry." He says to his mother then face Alec again. "It didn't take long for me to realize that I didn't belong with the girls because I didn't feel like a girl. I felt like a boy." He nods a bit, almost lost in memories. "I am a boy. Or a man now, I guess." He grins.

Alec is mesmerized by Harpers story.

"What did you do once you realized?" He asks.

"I told my mom." He smiles lovingly at her. "And she helped me figure out how to proceed. So, I went through a lot of fuc..." He shoots a glance at his mother and corrects himself, "a lot of therapy. Just to make sure it was what I wanted, then the doctors started me on testosterone and last year I had my top surgery." He looks so happy that Alec can't stop smiling at him. "It was incredible. It felt so right to look at myself in the mirror afterwards." He laughs loudly, throws his arms in the air and shouts, "and now I'm getting my fucking dick!"

"Manners!" His mother swats the back of his head lightly. "I raised you better than that."

"Sorry mom." He says with a huge smile on his face.

She sighs "where did I go wrong with you?" Harper laughs and his mother turns to Alec and Magnus. "Don't have kids."

"I won't." Alec says a bit too fast, and Magnus sends him a What-the-fuck-look. "I mean, it has never been a part of my plan. I'm not exactly father material. Nor husband or boyfriend material." Alec can feel himself digging a bigger and bigger grave, but he doesn't know how to get himself out of it. "I'm just... a bit too preoccupied with my work. I want to be the CEO, so it won't be fair to have a family... Uhm..." All three are watching him with different levels of are-you-serious-right-now-looks. "Fuck." He clenches his eyes shut and hides his face in his hands. "I'm sorry. I'm an asshole."

"Clearly." The woman says a bit sharply.

"He doesn't mean it as hard as it sounds." Magnus defends Alec but is clearly hurt by Alec's words too. "He just rambles like this sometimes. Right?" He puts his hand on Alecs shoulder.

"Yes." Alec looks up. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to offend anyone. I grew up with a father so dedicated to his work that I didn't really get to know him before I started working for him... and I just don't want to put anyone through that... its clearly nothing like you with your kid..."

"That's not what struck a nerve with me." She says. "It is the fact that you tear yourself down so much and drags you boyfriend with you at the same time. Can't you tell how much it hurts him to hear you say you aren't boyfriend material? You are literally telling him that you won't stay with him. That is not fair."

Alec turns to Magnus who he can now see is trying his best not to show how much this thing between them is breaking him. Alec's first instinct is to defend himself. To say that it is what they have agreed upon. That they aren't a couple and will never be, but the look in Magnus' eyes is killing him. She is right. Alec is hurting Magnus. Constantly.

"I'm sorry..."

"Don't." Magnus puts up a hand to stop him. There is nothing to apologize for." He turns to the woman, "You see, he is actually just telling the truth. We are not a couple. Not for real, anyway. We just enjoy each other's company for a moment. And yes, I am in love with him, and he isn't in love with me, and I'm guessing that it is what you could see in my face, but it is not his fault."

"Then I guess I am the one to apologize. I didn't mean to make assumptions. You just looked so in love. Both of you."

"we're not." Magnus responds quickly, and Alec has never felt more like shit than this moment.

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"I think we have to stop this." Alec says as the walk to the car.

"No. I'm fine."

"You are not fine, Magnus. You are hurting. And I'm the reason. I hate this." Alec grabs Magnus' hands and stops him. "I don't want to hurt you, Magnus."

"I know. You've said that already. And I told you that I don't care if I get hurt. I want to be with you. No matter how short or shallow it might be."

"You deserve more..." Alec can feel tears starting to pool in his eyes. He rarely cries. Can barely remember when he did it last. But this is his breaking point.

"I know I do. But I don't want to be 70 and looking back, regretting that I never got to spend some time with the love of my life."

"Please don't call me that..." a single tear streams down Alecs face "I don't deserve o be called that. I'm too broken to be someone's love of their life."

"You are not broken!" Magnus says loudly. "And stop degrading yourself. You are perfect!"

"no one is perfect, Magnus. Especially me."

"But you are to me. Yes, you have flaws. A bunch of them, actually. But I love every single flaw. They are what makes you perfect."

"You need to stop saying that." Alec turns away from Magnus. "Stop saying that you are in love with me or that you love something about me..."

"Never." Magnus puts his arms around Alec's waist and hugs him from behind. "I love you. Deal with it."

"Please stop..." Alecs voice cracks.

"I love you, I love you, I love you." Magnus tightens his grip on Alec.

"You can't know that. You don't know me well enough." Alec wipes away the tears that slowly is starting to fall with one swift motion.

"Yes, I do. I think I know you better than other people know you. And you can't make me not love you, so stop trying." Magnus turns alec around. "Just let me love you, Alexander. You don't have to love me back."

"But..."

"no. I'm a big boy. I can stand up for myself if its necessary. Let me love you..." Magnus leans in to kiss Alec, then remembers they are in the street and pulls away again. "let me love you. In private." He says with a shrug.

Alecs emotions is all over the place. He wants Magnus to love him. He craves his love and attention. He longs for Magnus' touch. And most surprisingly, he can feel himself wanting to love Magnus back. But something is preventing him from it. In the end he just nods. He can't find the words, so it is only a silently agreement that he will let Magnus love him. For now.