Hiding

Chapter twenty-two

Back at the hotel, then tension is thick between them. Alec doesn't know what to say or how to act, because he is now genuinely afraid of hurting Magnus anymore.

"Do you want to pick up where we left of?" Magnus ask flirtatious but Alec only smiles with his lips and not his eyes as he answers.

"I think we should get going. We still have a few more companies we need to visit."

"Alexander..." Magnus reaches out for Alec's hand, but he steps back and out of reach.

"I can't right now, okay?"

"But... I thought you agreed to continue this?"

"And I'm not backing out. I just need a moment. I'm kind of fucked up mentally right now. I just need to... I don't know.... process this, maybe."

"Okay... but you are not backing out, right? We still have a few days." Magnus closes the space between them but doesn't touch Alec again. "You'll let me have these last few days, right?"

"Right..." Alec answers but doesn't look at Magnus.

"Alexander, I really need you to look at me right now. You are making me panic here."

Hesitantly, Alec looks up at Magnus, and he isn't sure that he likes what he sees. Magnus is distraught. No doubt about it. And Alec doesn't know how to fix anything. Continuing this is hurting Magnus. Backing out will hurt Magnus. No matter what he does, he will hurt Magnus.

"I am so sorry, Magnus. I wish I was a better person. A less broken shell of a man..." Alec can feel himself unraveling. His entire world is shattering. Everything he has ever been, has suddenly become something he doesn't understand himself. And he hates it. He HATES that he is incapable of just loving Magnus as he deserves. Especially since he really wants to, but doesn't know how to comprehend and process emotions like that.

"Don't say that, Alec. You are not broken."

"of course, I am, Magnus. I can't even be myself when my father isn't around to see. I still follow his goddamn rules!" Alec stops himself from shouting. Afraid the words that are lingering in his head somehow will hurt Magnus too. And he cant do that anymore. But they are repeating themselves in his mind, clouding every single thought. He doesn't even hear the things Magnus says.

I don't even know who I am...

Before he realizes it, he is kneeling on the ground, gasping to control his breathing with Magnus wrapped around him, caressing his back in soothing circles.

"That's it, baby. Deep breaths. Just concentrate on my breathing... you are doing great..."

Alec recognizes this feeling. A massive panic attack. He has had one once before. A long time ago. The day his siblings helped him understand his sexuality and repress it. But this time it isn't Izzy or Jace that is trying to help him recover. No, this time it is someone who accepts all of him. Even the parts that Alec himself don't accept. Or even like. Not that his sibling doesn't accept him, they are just as scared of that part of him as he is. Or more precise, they are scared of what their father will do to him because of that part of him. Magnus however, does not know exactly how horrifying Robert Lightwood actually is. And Alec can't really figure out if that is a good thing or not. All he knows is that he really likes the way Magnus calms him down.

How will I ever go back to not having him in my life? How will I ever live without Magnus loving me?

****

"I won't say the L-word anymore. And I will only compliment you when I tease you, just like before, right?" Magnus and Alec are sitting across from each other at their hotel.

The panic attack cleared up some things for them both. Alec realized he needs time to decompress and collect himself again. And Magnus found out just how hard Alec had been pushing himself with both work, the fear of his own sexuality and dealing with Magnus being in love with him. The pressure had been too much for him. So now they arere making a plan to manage it all at once. They have rescheduled the visit to the fourth company till Monday, which gives Alec both Saturday and Sunday to get some rest. Physically and mentally. Magnus also suggested that they agree to some terms for the last few days they have together.

"Right..." Alec pinches the brink his nose. "I'm sorry for this, Magnus."

"Don't be. I came on way too strong. I didn't give you the time or space you need to comprehend something like this. Dumping my feelings onto you and making it your problem was an idiotic move on my behave, so it is me that is sorry. I have never been in your shoes. I have no idea how difficult it might be, mentally. I just got overexcited."

"Hey, we both did." Alec takes Magnus hand and holds it across the table. "I wanted to try this out just as much as you did. I just couldn't handle it..."

"I know." He smiles at Alec. "that's why we are taking a step back."

"How am I this lucky?" Alec blurts out, only intending it to be in his thoughts.

"You feel lucky? I gave you a panic attack. How is that lucky?"

"Oh shit...." Alec gasps. "I didn't mean to say that."

"But you did, and now you need to explain. Because I'm very confused."

"Fuck..." Alec mutters, "alright... I'm lucky because you haven't given up on me yet. Which would be so much easier for you. I'm a walking disaster. But instead, you just adapt. To my fucked-up life..."

The genuine smile that breaks out on Magnus face causes Alec's heart to skip a beat. The man seems truly happy about Alec's words, and Alec has never in his life felt anything more satisfying than this. He made Magnus happy. By telling the truth.

"Just to be clear," Magnus says, still with the smile across his face "I'm not saying the L-word right now. This is me not saying the L-word."

"Christ's sake, Magnus..." Alec rolls his eyes but can't resist to smile back at him. "I know what The L-word means," Alec uses air quotes around the word, "it doesn't make it better to say it – without actually saying it."

"No? I mean, you are not panicking right now... so..."

"Oh, shut up." Alec grins as he realizes that Magnus might be right. Alec knows Magnus loves him. That hasn't changed. so, the knowledge of it isn't fucking with him as much as hearing that word spoken aloud.

Something is truly broken inside me.