Hiding

Chapter twenty-three

"Are you sure you want me to spend the night here?" Magnus says while lingering at the foot of the bed. "I don't want to make you uncomfortable or put to much pressure on you."
"You are not pressuring me." Alec reaches up and grabs Magnus' hand to pull him into the bed. "I want this. I want to feel your body next to mine as we sleep."
"If you are sure..." Magnus says as he sits down on the edge of the bed. His eyes search for Alec's and it is very obvious that he is desperately trying to decipher Alecs thought and feelings. "Are you sure?" He asks after a few seconds of silence.
"Yes." Moving closer to Magnus, Alec puts his arms around him and hugs him tight. "I am very sure." He rests his forehead on Magnus' shoulder. "I wish I hadn't made you doubt yourself like that."
Magnus runs his hands through Alec's hair repeatedly and Alec is surprised to find out just how much he likes that single gesture. It almost feels more intimate than anything else they have done.
"Okay." He says. "Then I'll spend the night. Sleeping." Magnus emphasizes the word.
"Of course." Alec says. "Just sleeping." But his smirk suggests that he isn't completely honest with Magnus or himself.
"Alexander... I am being serious." He kisses Alec's forehead before moving slightly away from him so he can look him in the eyes. "Just sleeping. I won't risk you having another panic attack."
"But..."
"No buts, Alec." Magnus kisses Alec's pouting lips. "And you know how much it's killing me to set up that boundary."
"I know..." he sighs. "you're right. We agreed to take a step back..." he lets himself fall back on the bed and Magnus climbs up next to him. "I just feel so much better... much lighter after that... meltdown..." He pauses for a moment and Magnus takes his hand in his own. "I feel like I cleansed my mind somehow... and now I just want to be close to you again."
"I get it. I really do, Alexander, but we can't be sure that it won't happen again... so, small steps. Teeny, tiny baby steps."
"Fine..." Alec sighs and Magnus brings their interlocked hands to his lips. Alec watches intensely as Magnus kisses the back of Alec's hand. Lust clouding his mind... and maybe something more... "so just sleeping?" He repeats.
"yes, Alec." Magnus grins. "For the hundredth time: Just sleeping."
"So, no cuddling?"
Magnus thinks for a moment, then gives in.
"Maybe some light cuddling. With clothes on."
"Like fully dressed?"
"No, of course not. Just what you usually sleep in."
"So, naked."
"You don't sleep naked!" Magnus nearly shouts. Alec can tell Magnus is fighting like hell to not give in and he likes it. finally, he has the power to tease Magnus. "I know you don't."
"Are you sure about that?" Alec teases.
"Yes!" Magnus swallows a couple of times. "No..." he admits with a low whisper in the end and Alec begins to laugh at Magnus' desperate gaze. "You are not funny. Now I can only think about you sleeping in the nude. I hate you."
"No, you don't." Alecs eyes sparkle. "You L-word me." Magnus is stumped for words. He just stares at Alec with his mouth slightly open. "Too much?" Alec finally asks when it seems like Magnus isn't capable of speaking at all.
"No..." he mutters. "Not if it isn't too much for you..."
"Funny enough, it actually isn't."
"So, you can say it, but I can't. Is that how it is?" the corner of Magnus' lips crocks up in a small smile.
"It seems so." Alec grins. He feels good. Safe. Free.

*****

"This is hard..." Magnus whispers while laying under the covers trying to keep a safe distance to Alec.
"Yes I am..." Alec responds with hungry eyes that is devouring every inch of Magnus.
"What?" Magnus' voice is high-pitched.
"What?"
"I was talking about the situation." Magnus can't resist to glance down at Alecs body.
"Oh... right. So was I." Alec blushes lightly and turns around so he is facing the opposite direction of Magnus.
Alec tries to get himself under control, but its so difficult with Magnus right behind him. He can feel the heat that's radiating from his body, and it is preventing Alec from calming down.
"Can I hold you...?" Magnus asks behind him and Alecs heart skips a beat.
"yes... of course."
Magnus slides closer to Alec and wraps his arms around him, kissing his exposed shoulder. Alec knows exactly what Magnus is thinking in this instance. He doesn't have to say it with words. Alec can feel it through the touch of their skin and the warmth of his lips. Alec interlocks his fingers with Magnus' and takes a shaky breath.
"what's wrong?"
"Nothing..."
"Alexander. Don't lie to me..."
Alec tightens his grip on Magnus, fighting away the fear and insecurity that Alec has become all to acquainted with.
With closed eyes, he murmurs, "you love me... right?"
"Alexander..." Alec can feel Magnus' beathing against the back of his neck. Its speeding up. "Do you really want me to answer that?"
"Yes..." Alec still hasn't loosened his grip. He clings to Magnus like he is the inly lifeboat to the sinking ship that is Alec's life and upbringing.
"Yes, I love you..." Magnus whispers and Alec closes his eyes and let the words wrap around him, like a comforting blanket.
"I..." Alec swallows a few times, "I lov..." his body starts to tremble. "I lo... Fuck." Alec tenses up and Magnus kisses his neck.
"Alec, you don't have to say it. It's okay. We are not pressuring each other, remember...?"
Alec turns around so he can face Magnus. His eyes are glistening with tears that hasn't fallen.
"I love...I love you..." he finally says and the relief he feels is instant. Like some mental restraint has finally been lifted. Or a curse broken... "I love you, Magnus..." he says wit more confidence.
"I love you too..." Now Magnus is the one who is trembling and can hardly speak and Alec laughs. not because of Magnus' reaction but from joy and relief and a sense of having conquered the beast within himself.
"Tell me again!" Alec says as he grabs Magnus with both hands and each side of his face. "Please, tell me again."
"I love you." Magnus smiles at Alec.
"And I love you too!" he laughs loudly and kisses Magnus' lips, cheeks forehead... everywhere he can get his lips on. "I love you so much!"
Alec doesn't know where he found the strength. Maybe the breakdown was exactly what he needed to realize what he was capable of. No matter what, Alec knows he is never going back to repressing himself. Not as long as Magnus is in his life.