invisible string [ joshua bassett ]

twenty five

he had been with fucking emily.

i felt sick. my ears were fuzzing, the colour was draining from my face. i could hear imogen saying something through the phone but i couldn't make it out.

" i've got to go. " i forced out, hanging up the phone before slamming it onto the kitchen counter.

the silence in my apartment was so loud. someone was screaming into my ear with no remorse.

" fuck. " i exclaimed, putting my hands over my ears as i tried to ignore the screaming. it was painful.

this was worse then atlas. this was worse then my parents. this was the worst pain i had ever felt. my heart was on for display and someone decided to stab a knife in it.

i didn't even realise i was crying until my lips started to taste salty. i tried to stop. but they just kept coming. i had a whole fucking waterfall coming out of my eyes. it stung. i'm not sure what stung; i didn't know if it was my eyes or my heart, or both.

my eyes closed without me asking and all i saw was them. them. her perfect fucking smile. how perfect they looked together. how fucking dumb could i be.

knock. knock.

it stopped. i was kneeled on the floor infront of the couch.

knock. knock.

the door. i wiped my eyes, forcing myself to get up and stumble over to the door. the handle was cold as i pulled it open.

he was on the other side, the smile on his face dropping as he looked me over.

" what's the matter? " his voice was full with concern as he stepped into my apartment and shut the door.

" nothing. " i said, walking away from him and back into the living room. josh was hot on my tail.

" i can tell you've been crying. " he gripped my hand, stopping me from storming into the kitchen. i didn't need to look in the mirror to know my eyes were red and puffy.

" you were with emily today? " i asked, spinning around to face him. he didn't need to answer, i already knew, but the way his smile dropped confirmed everything.

i scoffed, pulling my hand out of his grip and walking into the kitchen. he followed.

" dottie, wait. it wasn't like that. " he sighed. i walked to the other end of the island as we both stared at eachother.

" it doesn't matter, joshua. we're not together you can do what you want. " i forced out, my heart breaking at each word. we're not together.

" don't be like that. she didn't want us to end on bad terms. " the excuse flew over my head.

i grabbed a glass out of the cupboard, filling it up with water. my throat felt as though a cat had scratched it.

" why are you being like this? everything was fine last night. "

" yes and then you went and met your fucking ex. " i seethed once i had finished the glass of water.

" why do you care so much? " his voice began to raise. josh took a few steps towards my side of the island but i quickly stepped the other way.

" are you really so oblivious? " my voice reached the same level josh was at.

" it's time to stop lying to ourselves, josh. " we both knew what i was talking about.

" you're in my head, even when you're not supposed to be. " my voice cracked. this wasn't how i wanted things to play out, but it didn't seem like i had much choice.

" please stop. " josh begged quietly, shutting his eyes.

" i was naive in thinking i wouldn't fall for you. every time i felt myself cracking i pushed it away. "

each word made josh repeat 'stop' over and over again. i couldn't. it's like i was throwing up my words.

" but i cant anymore. i fucking love you josh. "

" just stop! " joshua exclaimed, pulling his hands away from his face. i didn't say anything else. i just watched as his eyes filled with tears.

" you don't mean that. " he shook his head. josh sounded weak, for the first time since i met him.

" ive never meant anything more. "

silence. not a word.

" please tell me i'm not as naive as your silence is making me feel. " still nothing. his eyes were glued to the counter top whilst mine cried.

" i know that this is not what you want to hear, " josh started, finally looking up to me. a single tear ran down his cheek and if i thought my heart was broken after atlas, josh just shattered it.

" we- this, can't happen. i told you my label isn't letting me date anyone right now, dottie. " his voice was strained, like he was regretting every word he said. it didn't matter if he regretted it, he still said it.

" i don't care how complicated this gets, i still want you. "

" we had rules- "

" i broke my rules for you. " i exclaimed, pointing at him from across the counter.

" i didn't ask you to do that! " another tear escaped. then another. and before i knew it, joshua was crying.

" so this whole time, you felt nothing. "

sometimes it's not the butterflies or the fireworks that tell you you're in love, but the pain.

" no. " he choked out.

i slowly made my way around to the side of the counter he was standing on.

" look me in the eyes and tell me you feel nothing for me. " i begged. joshua shut his eyes and let out a shaky breath.

" i can't do that. "

my mind was all over the place. i felt like a fool. i looked like a fool.

" please leave. " i said, barely above a whisper. i knew josh had heard it by the pain written on his face.

" dottie, please. "

" get out. " i snapped, taking a step backwards. joshs eyes lingered on me for a second before he headed for the door.

he stood in the hallway, staring back at me. two broken hearts staring at eachother.

and then he left.

josh has beautiful eyes. the kind you could get lost in. and i guess i did.