The Only Exception

Twenty Nine

~Lainey~

I didn't even have a gun to my head. It was just me and Dean. A guy mom had been forcing upon me for the past 18 months and he was on one knee. No gun to my head. No on looking mother and no Henry. No Andrew watching over me like some psychotic step brother. Just me and Dean in a quiet room and I still said yes. 

He was sweet. Complacent with mom's demands. Oblivious to the fact I didn't want to be here. But I was. I'd sat and smile and nodded just to get it over with. I daren't refuse anything anymore. I can't look at myself in the mirror without remembering what I caused. 

If I'd have just kept my mouth shut or followed her and behaved, Spencer would be alive. But he isn't. I was feet away when he died. Seconds after he told me I was safe with him. He was never safe with me though. No one ever is. At least I don't necessarily care about Dean. Should mom decide he's paid his use and she'd used me to milk the most money out of him as possible, I don't doubt she'd kill him as ruthlessly as she had Spencer shot right there on the tarmac. 

I can still feel the shockwaves hit me. The tidal waves of grief still take the air out of my lungs but there isn't a tear to cry because it's my own fault. I should have gone with her. I should have known- I knew- dating Spencer would lead to disaster. I knew it wouldn't work out well in the end no matter how much I wanted it to. 

We had an argument whilst we were in Italy and I went to mom's. Because it was all a misunderstanding. Andrew was forced to do those things because they we're being threatened. I lied about hearing mom's voice. I lied about Andrew hitting me. I lied about mom's new husband years ago. I just wanted some attention and that's the only way I could get it. I left Spencer in Naples half way through out trip. I've always wanted to dye my hair. 

Lie after lie after lie. Over and over to everyone. Noah and dad had been worried at first but I couldn't risk them having the same fate. It was better for everyone if I wasn't close to anyone I cared about. I couldn't ruin their lives. I couldn't have them end up dead. It wouldn't be my fault. Just as long as I do as I'm told and follow my instructions and nod and smile and everything is fine. 

"Lainey? Darling?" The door pushes open, 2 gentle knocks before he pops his head around the corner. My beloved. My fiancé. Apparently. "There you are. Are you okay?" 

"Hm?" I turn away from the mirror, pushing everything back down into the box I keep it locked up in. "Oh. Yeah. Sorry. In my own- my own world." I tap my head with a finger, swallowing nervously. 

"Okay, good. Are you ready to go? We don't want to miss the flight." 

"Yes. Flight.  Noah's wedding. Flight to Noah's wedding." I pull open my drawer, dropping my passport onto the side and checking my pockets whilst Dean chuckled at me. 

"You're so forgetful." I shot him a quick smile before grabbing my phone from the charger handing it to him. "Why do you always give me your phone by the way?" 

"I dunno." I shrug, watching him push it into his pocket. "I guess incase you ever wanted to check who I was talking to. So you know I'm being honest with you." He wraps his arms loosely around my waist and no matter how many times he touches me, it never feels right. Lord knows what I'm going to do when I can't pass off not believing in sex before marriage anymore. 18 months I've managed to get away with not letting this guy kiss me because I can't face it. The idea of having anyone else breathe near me still feels wrong but I have to have that. I have to let him hold me and my hand and hug me and I have to be okay with it. 

It'll just get easier with time, I tell myself as he kisses the top of my head and I feel like I'm going to throw up. He grabs my hand and leads me out of the house. 

The only reason mom let me go to the wedding was because there wasn't a chance Lainey with any sanity would miss her brother's wedding. I had excuses for every other event. Birthday's and Christmases I'd been busy with Mom or Dean's family but I couldn't miss tomorrow. Dean had to come with me, knowing that he'd report back anything out of place with me without needing to actively know he was a spy. 

He'd just ask my Mom if something was wrong and say I was quiet or was whispering to people a lot. That is all it would take to ruin someone elses life and I don't know who it would be this time. I don't know who she'd target and I wasn't running the risk of it potentially being dad or Noah or god it could be Chelsea too, or Jaso- No. I'll keep my mouth shut and I'll tell everyone I'm so unbelievably happy with Dean and we'll come home and plan the wedding and I'll get married and we'll live happily ever after like Mom keeps telling me I will if I just follow what she says. 

The second the flight lands on the runway, it's like a flashback. Everything comes back to me as I step off the commercial flight and I have to force myself to get over it. We drive down streets I used to walk down. We pass the apartment block I used to live in. Where I fell in love with Spencer without knowing it, where I kissed him and he brought me home the next day and he loved me in a way no one else ever will. And I remind myself for the billionth time that I will not be doing that again. 

No falling in love. 

No believing someone is different. 

No repeats of Spencer. 

Never again.