My Love Mine All Mine

29 ⚠️

⚠️ EATING DISORDER ⚠️

I sat down on JJ's couch in her office. She had convinced Hotch to let me stay by telling him that I wasn't physically or mentally well enough to be by myself. I played with a fidget cube she had on her desk while she did her work. I tried not to look at her too much so we could both stay focused.

She got up and left after a few minutes, I didn't look up to say bye like I knew she wished I had. Instead I just looked out her window to see her smiling and laughing while talking to her teammates Reid and Morgan. I didn't get it. I didn't understand how she was so effortlessly beautiful and I had to work my ass off to even work presentable, and even go to extreme measures to make myself believe that I'm pretty.

I didn't even realize she had walked back into the room. "Iris?" Her voice snapped me back to reality. I turned to her with a sad look in my eye. "Hey, what's wrong?"

"You're so pretty." I said quietly, leaning on the armrest of her couch. She furrowed her brows. "You shouldn't be with me...but you are."

"What do you mean?" She knelt down in front of me and took my hands in hers.

"You deserve someone so much better-"

"No honey-"

"You deserve someone who's happy and beautiful." I couldn't see my face but I knew my eyes looked empty. My voice sounded empty too but I meant every word I said. "Someone who has a guarantee of a long, healthy life."

"Why are you saying this-

"I'm not enough for you." My voice was a whisper, it felt like everything was clicking in my mind. "I'm never going to be enough for you, because you're Jennifer Jareau, and I'm-"

"Sweetheart what's going on?"

"You are an FBI Agent. Everyone loves you. You save people, you catch serial killers. You are the most beautiful person in existence and I'm just a short dying girl with an eating disorder and depression who writes songs but is too scared to share them." She looked at me sadly. "You deserve someone so much better than me." She shook her head. "I'm not enough for you-"

"I decide what's enough for me and you are enough, you are more than enough, you are everything I could ever need."

"But-"

"I don't mind that you have depression, or that you have an eating disorder because I want to be here for you through it, I want to support you. And just because you have a disease doesn't mean that I love you any less."

"I'm wasting your time. I'm going to die anyways."

"You could die when you're 75. When we're both old and can't stand up on our own. We can spend a life together." She squeezed my hands with a smile.

"Or I could die. Let's face it Jayje, if it's not the APS it's going to be because of my eating disorder."

"Is that really how you feel?"

"It is." I told her.

"Well you're not breaking up with me if that's what you're trying to do." She was trying to stay calm but I could tell that was the opposite of what I was feeling.

"I'm back down to 90 pounds." I told her. "I hate the way I look. Even when I want to eat there's that voice in the back of my head telling me not to, that I can't. And I need to eat Jayje because I'm on medications that I'm specifically told not to take on an empty stomach but I'm doing it anyways because it's the only thing I can think of that would actually make me happy. I want to be skinny. I need to be skinny but I'm never going to be skinny enough and I've gotten better, then I've gotten worse so I'm done fighting it, it's so tiring to constantly be fighting myself every second of every day and I just need a break Jayje, I just need a break." She wrapped me in her warm embrace.

"It's ok."

"No, it's not."

"You can have a break. It's ok, just breathe, alright? We can go home, we can go home and you can take the break you need, however long you need, and I'm going to be there with you because you shouldn't have to do this alone. Ok?" I nodded after a few seconds.

"Ok."