My Love Mine All Mine

30 ⚠️

⚠️ EATING DISORDER AND PANIC ATTACK ⚠️

I looked up at JJ with tearful eyes as she walked over to me on the foot of the bed. "Wanna talk?" She asked.

"I don't know what to say." She knelt down in front of me and wiped away my tear that fell.

"How are you feeling today?"

"Shit."

"Have you eaten?" I didn't answer. "So, no?"

"I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize, I'll make a smoothie." She kissed my hands and then walked to the kitchen.

She came back with a strawberry banana smoothie. "Here." She handed it to me and I took a sip.

"Thank you." She sat down next to me and I rested my head on her shoulder.

"I feel like I'm gonna throw up."

"You need to go to the bathroom?"

"I don't know." I took another sip with a shaky hand. She grabbed the smoothie before it fell.

"Do you need a minute?"

"Yeah, I think so." She set the smoothie down on the floor and I leaned forward, clasping my hands together. She put her hand on my back.

"Do you need anything?"

"No...I don't know." I put my shaky hand over my mouth and then sat up, trying to open my airway. I reached for her hand and she squeezed it. "You don't have to stay with me all the time."

"I want to."

"B-but I don't know how long this break is going to be and I don't want you to take so much time off of work."

"Hotch found a temporary replacement, same he would do for anyone taking more than a month off." She kissed my shoulder. "I'm happy to be here with you. I'm not leaving until you're better."

"You won't even leave the room?"

"I'll leave the room, I just don't want to leave you by yourself while you're feeling like this."

"I'm um...I'm sorry for what I said on Wednesday."

"What?"

"I kind of tried to break up with you and I probably sounded like I was begging for attention-"

"No, you didn't sound like that. You were just voicing how you feel and I'm glad you did that."

"I'm not really good at communicating that...I've never had anyone actually care about me enough to want me to talk to them about it. So...thank you, it really means a lot that you care about me." She smiled and kissed my temple.

"I'll always care about you." My heart skipped a beat. "I always want you to be happy." She picked up the strawberry banana smoothie and held it like she was trying to sell it to me. "And healthy."

"Is this your way of trying to get me to drink the smoothie?"

"Yes." I took it out of her hand and took a long sip, focusing on her face to stop the thoughts of how many calories I was taking in and how the food was flowing through my body.

When I finished it I put it back on the floor. She raised her brows with a smile. "What?" I asked.

"You drank the whole thing."

"Yeah."

"You haven't eaten a whole meal in weeks baby."

"It's not really a full meal-"

"A win is a win sweetheart." She kissed me and cupped my face in her hands. I smiled into the kiss and couldn't help but wrap my arms around her.

"I...love your...hugs." I said between kisses. "I love you too but your hugs make everything better."

"I'm happy to hear that." She kissed my temple, my cheek, my jaw and my shoulder. "Is there something you need right now to feel better?" I shook my head and adjusted myself so I was straddling her legs.

"Just hugs. This is good."

"Is this all you're gonna need from me for the next month?"

"No, I'm sure there's gonna be a few mental breakdowns here and there." She laughed but I wasn't joking. "Oh you're not joking."

"It comes with the package Jayje."

"And I'm completely fine with that."

"Good." I flopped down onto my side and opened my arms. "I need cuddles." My heart was beating loudly in my chest, my anxiety coming back. She crawled into my arms and held me securely against her.

"I love you." She kissed my forehead.

"I love you too."