The Parlour {LS//AU}

Chapter 13

Slamming my fist against the wall does nothing to ease the ache in my chest," Goddammit!" rips from my throat sending spit flying. Why am I such a Fuck up?

The sun had been down for hours and the sky was lit only by a few dull stars and the moon. My phone lay shattered on the ground, the echos of my ringtone still playing in the back of my mind over and over again. I wish he would have stopped calling and leaving voicemail's; this wasn't easy for me to do. The black and white facts were It was wrong what I was feeling for him, a man shouldn't feel that way about another man. However I peer into the grayer shades of my thoughts and see the world in technicolor, lit by only his touch.

I remember as a child I had sat with my best friend in class and took his hand in mine, something was different about me when I held his hand in mine. Places yet to be discovered began to flourish to life. Hidden cheek kisses and laughter filled the small place we played in, "I seen my mommy and daddy kiss on the lips once" the small blonde boy erupts into joyful singing.

"Maybe we should try it?" the words slip from my tiny mouth and then we're leaning in towards one another, tiny hands intertwined with tiny hands.

All is not meant to be, as we were ripped apart and pulled in separate directions. I sat in a room filled with pictures of flowers and doodles made from kids my age, a playful vibe meant to be emitting from the walls. I felt cold and ashamed in a room with with warm colors," Louis what is your mother going to say? I'm displeased and disgusted by such vulgar actions from such a star pupil." Displeased. Disgusted. Vulgar. What are these big words? "Boys aren't suppose to touch boys like that, Louis are you listening?"

"Yes headmistress." The old woman hunched in front of me gripping my shoulders and looking me in the eye, her breath smelt of peppermint.

"Louis, I wouldn't tell you this if I didn't care for you. Homosexuality is a vile, disgusting, sin and I don't want to catch you doing it again in my school or even outside these walls." Her grip tightened as if it would somehow hold her words between my shaking body. "Never touch another boy like that again."

Unfortunately her words still linger in my mind whether I like it or not and in ways I guess I am Disgusting and Vile.

Morning light comes crashing through the window before I get a chance to close my eyes. It's as if something dark has taken control of what little bit of my mind I possessed. I need to get up and go somewhere alone for awhile, just a walk or a run. I grab my keys and slam the door shut maybe it's time for a change.

My legs take me to a barber shop and as I sit in the barbers chair I see my bloodshot eyes and unshaven face, I told the guy to shave me and clean up my hair. He starts by trimming my sideburns and the long hair. He styles it for me as well, pulling my fringe up into a gelled quiff. He starts putting the shaving cream on my face and neck and then pulls his razor from his pocket.

The feel of the cold blade gliding across my neck brings me comfort and silence, with one hard thrust forward I could be ripped from this world. No more late night staring at the ceilings, No more painful memories, and No more Harry. It can't be that bad that I would want to take my own life, but inside it feels like it. I don't see a clear end to this long road covered in fallen debris and sharp stones ready to pierce my skin. Every move I make my mind puts me in a corner unable to escape, like one big game of chess and unfortunately I am my own destruction.

"Alright young man, what do you think?" I look at the mirror removing my consciousness from my darker counter part.

"Looks great, thanks." I pay and tip him before heading back to my apartment.

My keys rattle as I climb the stairs each sound as loud as thunder in this deserted staircase. My door is the third one down and as I near it I flinch, a envelope taped to the door. "Louis" is scrawled across the letter and at the top left corner printed int the blackest ink, as if to engrave it into my memory "The Parlour."