"What is it, my son?" my mother asks when I appear.
"I'm ready," I answer blankly, still trying to fight off the rage.
She gives me a confused look and says, "I do not know what you mean, dear boy. Ready for what?"
"I'm ready to come home, become the gatekeeper," I respond with distress mixing into the anger I'm already feeling.
Deep down, I know this is an extremely rash decision, but something about seeing that moral disgust in Cas' eyes broke something in me and I simply don't think I can deal with it anymore. Knowing that my fears are coming true, the unexplainable rage that I can't seem to control when I see those sorts of emotions from him, everything about the whole situation involving him, it's all just too much. I've still not been able to process having my emotions back on for the first time since regaining my memories and apparently, there's a lot to be felt, towards this situation anyway. I know, deep down, that coming here right now puts Cas in even more danger, but I'm known to make selfish decisions when it comes down to it, y'know, self-preservation and all, but something still doesn't feel quite right about it. I'm not sure if it's just my paranoia or something else, but something seems off about being here this time.
"You made the deal for six months from now. Surely you remember how deals work," she tells me with a serious voice.
"Yes, of course, I remember how deals work," I spit. "I'm asking as your son, to make an exception to the rules just this once," I continue, my voice not as rage-filled, but more desperate.
"Watch your tone with me, Aziel. While I can feel that you are angry, you will not take that out on me," she tells me seriously. "But perhaps I would be willing to make an exception just this once, given your reasoning is valid, of course. So, tell me, what is the reason you wish to return sooner than discussed?" she asks, sounding more like a judge than my mother.
I just stare at her for a few moments, fully knowing that I don't have a valid reason to return earlier, at least, not to her, anyway. How do I make 'Oh, I made the rash decision to come back early because I can't deal with whatever emotions I'm feeling' sound reasonable? In the end, instead of answering her, I remain silent and simply bow my head. And to her, that's answer enough.
"If you do not have a valid reason for this request, Aziel, I cannot approve it."
"Please, Mother," I say, looking at her desperately.
"My son, what has you so distraught and angry that you thought you must come to me for help?" she asks, sounding a little concerned, and rightfully so, considering I've never come to her like this, not even when I lived here.
You're being weak, tell her you made a mistake and take matters into your own hands, my mind tells me and I just give her an empty stare in return. How am I supposed to explain this to her without sounding weak, even though my simply calling out to her in the first place is weak enough. I simply can't help it right now, though. Everything inside of me, every emotion, is entirely out of control right now and as hard I try, I can't manage to find the switch to shut everything off again, as though it's been misplaced in the sea of emotions. She patiently waits for me to answer, but I know she's currently reading through every thought an emotion that I'm currently feeling right now and part of me is grateful for that.
"Dear boy, there is no reason for you to be this distraught over a simple quarrel between you and Cas. You need to take a moment and just breathe because what you are doing now, turning all your emotions into rage, will not help you in the end. And, as much as you tell yourself that shutting off your emotions will work, I can assure you, it will not."
