Untouched [minsung]

Chapter 18

Not wanting to inconvenience him any further, I opted to sleep on Felix's couch. It was comfy enough, and, if I lied to myself, I could pretend that the cushions behind me were Lee Know.

They lacked his body heat, and they didn't sprawl on top of me, but I needed to pretend. I had gotten so used to falling asleep with him beside me that it felt weird not having him here.

I wondered if he'd go back to Seungmin. I wasn't sure what had gone down between them, but considering Seungmin still lived there, it couldn't have been as irreparable as what I'd done (or whatever it was that Lee Know had assumed I'd done).

I thought back to the argument, and how he'd asked who hired me. I wondered what type of life he lived behind the scenes and whether he would even be worth hiring someone to follow him. I should have asked him more questions. I should've been more curious. I should've paid more attention.

I shouldn't have taken advantage of the time I had with him.

Lee Know had opened up a bit and shared that I couldn't see under his clothes because he wasn't ready. Did he have scars? Acne? Burns?

I wondered what could make such a strong person feel so ashamed. My mind wandered through all of our memories and conversations but nothing stuck out that provided even a hint of an answer.

I also wondered who could've put the photos in his room. This really bothered me because they had made it possible for Seungmin to find them and ruin everything.

Maybe it was Seungmin himself. Maybe he had found my camera somehow and did it so he could win Lee Know back. I'd do anything to get him back.

I pulled out my phone and went to Instagram to see if he'd posted anything. Even another cat photo would've been better than seeing that I'd been blocked. My heart sunk even further and I was beginning to feel like there was nothing I could do to repair his impression of me.

"Keep going. Harder," I heard Changbin whine from the other room.

They'd been in there for hours. My headphones had already died and were charging, so my ears were exposed and forced to overhear their sexual endeavors.

After an uncomfortable 12 more minutes and 26 seconds (yes, I was watching the clock), I heard them both make a few weird noises and the squeaking of the bed stopped.

Finally. Peace at last.

Not too long after I heard their door open, and Changbin appeared in his boxers, his face flushed and sweaty.

"Sorry about that," he apologized with a prideful look on his face that let me know he was definitely not sorry about that.

"It's all good." I was imposing on Felix, so I was in no position to complain.

Changbin ran the faucet and downed a few glasses of water before refilling it and walking back to the room.

Now that they'd finished, I settled on the couch and tried to get comfortable again for my first night away from Lee Know.

I heard their door open again and lighter footsteps opened the bathroom door and turned on the shower. Changbin entered the room again and sat at the end of the sofa near my feet. He couldn't stand to be alone.

"How are you?" he asked.

I shrugged and cuddled into my blanket. "I've been better. How are you?"

Changbin smiled at me genuinely, "I'm really happy, Han."

I felt sincerely glad for him. If anyone deserved this it was Changbin, and Felix was such an amazing guy.

"I'm happy for you," I sat up and hugged him.

The shower stopped, and he hopped up, "My turn," he said as he walked away with a skip in his step.

Not too long after, Felix appeared. He had on his boxers and a t-shirt that was being drenched by his wet hair.

"Do you have everything you need? Can I get you another blanket?" he asked.

I shook my head, "No, I'm great. Thanks again."

Felix walked over to the kitchen and grabbed a glass of water for himself and a second as well. He placed one in front of me before heading back to his room for the night. I wondered how someone could be so thoughtful all the time.

Changbin wrapped up his shower, and the apartment was finally quiet. Outside the window across from me, I could see flashes and wondered if there was a storm rolling in. I hated storms. Loud sudden noises had a habit of giving me panic attacks.

And so I reached for my barely charged headphones and threw them on over my ears while I lay down. At least another barrier would make it not so loud.

I backed myself against the couch and imagined that Lee Know was here to calm me down as he had many times before. I thought of his honey scent and electric touches. If I ever had a chance to be with him again, I'd make sure to appreciate and love him. I'd make him feel safe and loved enough to be vulnerable with me. I'd make sure he had no doubts.

A neighbor's door slammed shut, and it made me jump. I felt silly for how scared I was all of the time, but I'd had anxiety for so long that I had gotten used to it. It was just heightened recently because of the alley incident.

I closed my heavy eyes and breathed in deeply.

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"Han wake up," I heard a voice whisper. "Han we need to go." The voice was full of urgency as it shook me awake.

My eyes popped open, and I saw someone's shoes in front of my face. I tried to move but couldn't. Something was holding me down.

I felt a stomp against my chest and the urgent voice flooded my ears as I received pounding after pounding.

"Han we have to go," the voice repeated over and over. I looked on at the brick room. Fists and boots flew at my body from every direction.

My arms and legs were chained to the ground now, and people stepped up to have their turn at me. I couldn't speak. I couldn't move. I could do nothing but watch and listen.

"I'm so sorry," the voice said now. It's tone sad.

Another punch.

"Get out, Han," the voice yelled now. I couldn't tell if they were encouraging me to get out of the brick room or if it was the voice of a memory.

"Get out!" it yelled louder and shook the room. Bricks fell around us as the room caved in on itself.

"GET OUT!" the voice boomed and it woke me. I sat up shaking and tried to catch my breath. I looked around and my eyes paused on the clock that informed me that it was only 4:15 am.

I fell back onto the sofa exhausted. Usually, I'd have Lee Know to comfort me, but this time I was alone.

I took a sip of the water Felix had been so kind to give me and stretched my arms above my head. I needed something to occupy my time.

I stood and walked around the living room. The hardwood floor squeaked with every step so I tried to walk lightly as I explored the items on the shelves.

Under his TV on the right side, Felix had many movies, mostly science fiction and all alphabetized. On the left, he had a gaming system and dozens of video games, also alphabetized.

I made my way to his bookshelf. He had a candle and board games on the bottom shelf. The candle smelled of apples and the board games were, to no surprise, alphabetized.

He had dozens of books as well. They were also organized by title. I read through them, recognizing a few, and stopped on one that was out of place, "You Will Be Okay," it was called.

My heart stopped, and I felt like the world was giving me a sign. I smiled at it through tears and went back to the sofa.

"I will be okay," I told myself.