Untouched [minsung]

Chapter 70

Lee Know POV

I felt someone shaking me awake. "Lee Know," a voice whispered right next to my nose with the worst morning breath ever.

"Lee Know?"

Every word exhaled in a fog around my face and I opened my eyes and pinched my nose. Chan was staring at me, his face inches from mine.

"What do you want? To borrow my toothpaste? It's over there?" I groaned quietly enough to not wake up Han but loudly enough to get the point across that he was very much not welcome here right now.

"I need to talk to you." His breath smelled like coffee and dehydration. His eyes were bloodshot, and I wondered if he'd slept at all. I knew Hyunjin had been keeping him up with nightmares, and I hoped he wasn't sacrificing his own health and wellness for him all the time.

"Is it really important?"

He nodded.

"On a scale of 1-10...how likely am I to strangle you for exaggerating after you tell me?"

"Zero."

Fuck.

"Fine," I lifted myself off of Han carefully as I tried not to wake him. Unfortunately, he wasn't sleeping heavily, and he looked around anxiously as he watched me stand up.

"I'll be back in a minute, pretty boy. Chan needs to talk to me about something."

Han nodded, and I kissed his forehead as he drifted back to sleep. Chan watched us closely.

I stepped around him and walked into the hallway.

"Do you want to put a shirt on? Or pants?" he asked as he looked down. I was only wearing boxers.

"No. Come on," I told him.

Chan hadn't seen my scars this openly since the escape, but Han had been encouraging me to be more comfortable in my skin. Considering Chan was my oldest friend, he was someone I wanted to feel okay with seeing them. Plus, he had woken me up, so he could deal with my being semi-nude.

"What's so important that you and your morning breath needed to wake me up at..." I glanced at the clock, "5:30 am?" I fell back onto the couch in exhaustion. That was so early.

"How did you know you were..." he paused awkwardly, "you know?"

"Super handsome?" I smirked.

"No...um..."

He trailed off again, waiting for me to fill in the blank. "Gay?"

"Yeah."

"I liked men?" What did he expect me to say? There wasn't some revelation. I've just always liked men in the way he liked women.

"Did you ever feel that way towards a woman?"

His eyes were filled with curiosity. Chan wasn't the type to ask questions for no reason, so I knew this had to be about Seungmin or Hyunjin. He'd spent so much time with them lately. I wish he could have had these thoughts at a later hour though.

"No. Only towards men."

Chan sighed and looked at the ground. He fiddled with the hem of his shirt before speaking.

"I think I'm bi."

"You're not sure?"

He exhaled again and leaned back onto the couch. He looked at me, and I could tell he was on the verge of tears.

I hated people crying. I didn't know how to comfort anyone but Han.

"You're sure but scared, yea?" I asked him

He nodded and with a shaky voice said, "I don't want to ruin everything."

It was Seungmin.

"You being bi won't ruin anything. Now, who you're bi with...that's a conversation we can have later."

If Chan hooked up with Seungmin and it went well it could mean he'd secure him for our side. If he got with Seungmin and things went wrong, it would threaten Han's safety even more.

"I feel nervous when I'm around him. Like I might embarrass myself somehow or get rejected."

Fuck. He had actual feelings for him. I'd hoped it was just sexual.

"Have you fucked him?"

"Ew no!" Chan blurted out.

"Ew?" I questioned him.

"I mean...I just...I..." he stuttered. "I didn't mean it like that."

"In a homophobic way? Yeah, I figured. You mean it in a, 'ew I didn't sleep with the guy that got you tortured' way, right?"

"How'd you know who I was talking about?"

"I mean unless you have a magic wardrobe to Changbin's house, Hyunjin and Seungmin are the only two people you've been seeing every day. And you wouldn't be so worried about liking Hyunjin since he didn't screw us over."

"He's apologized like a trillion times," he jumped to Seungmin's defense.

"Whoa, I wasn't attacking him. Chill out guard dog."

"Sorry. I just think he's a better person than we've given him credit for," he mumbled.

"So you're bi for Seungmin. First off, congratulations. I always knew you were at least a little gay."

"How?" Chan laughed softly.

"No straight person is as hot as you are," I smiled.

His eyes shined as he accepted my compliment without his usual rebuttals.

"Secondly, does he feel the same about you?"

"I think so," he told me. "We sort of hooked up last night."

Ahhh. So that's why he was awake so early. I felt bad imagining Chan sitting out here alone contemplating something so huge.

"And how was it? How did you feel about it afterward? In my experience, if you feel like shit after, you probably made a mistake. But if you didn't..."

"I didn't," he explained. "And that's the hardest part. Even most women I hook up with, I feel horrible afterward. Like they feel great in the moment, but the second it's done I want them to leave, and I want to act like it never happened. But with Seungmin I wanted to lay next to him. I wanted to cuddle with him and talk to him."

Chan had basically just explained the difference between forcing intimacy out of desperation versus being desperate for intimacy. He was desperate for Seungmin.

"I mean, it sounds like you know how you feel already, so what's wrong?"

"What if it goes wrong and Han gets hurt? What if people find out and hate me? What if Seungmin goes back to Jeongin and is just using me?"

"You can't worry about what ifs. They'll drive you crazy. What you need to worry about is you and your feelings. Does he make you feel good about yourself? Do you like being around him? Do you love him?"

"I don't know about love..." he put his hands up as if to stop my line of questioning.

"Or do you have some sort of feelings for him," I corrected.

"Yes...to all three."

"Then Chan, baby, you're bi for Seungmin."

"I'm bi for Seungmin," he whispered as if he were saying a bad word in church.

"How does it feel to say it?" I asked him.

"It feels like the truth...but also like I'm not allowed to want him."

"That's internalized homophobia baby. Work on that."

"Okay, but what do I do now?"

I shrugged. "Whatever you fucking want."