Mental Illness Poems

to be older is to be changed~ impure trans regression

Sometimes, I wish I was still young. Still free and happy and unaware. 

I wish I still had long thin hair that I could tie up with hair dandies.

I wish I could still smile in photos without wondering if I look good.

I wish I was just happy all the time. 

I wish I could play outside again without getting exhausted.

I wish I still had an interest in toys and books and playing.

I wish I was still convincing myself that everything in the world was good and pure. 

I wish I still laughed and made good memories. 

I wish I didn't question relationships. 

I wish I was still their little girl.

and then you got older. you cut off all your hair and you changed your name. You changed your body and your style. You starting changing your pronouns and feeling different.

and then you got older.

You got older, and you slowly started crying a little more on your birthday

you got older, and you started seeing things around you for what they were

you got older, and you struggled to find happiness

you got older, and you were tired, all the time.

you got older, and you never played with your toys but they meant too much for them to be thrown away

you got older, and you, still, after all the shitty things that happened to you, you wish you went back. 

you got older, and you didnt feel like people cared about you anymore

you got older, and you wonder how it got here

you got older, and you realize no matter how hard you try, you will never be their little girl again.