Bet We Could Make Some MORE (History Huh?)

22: Pills, Pills, Pills (Alex)

A/N: Sorry for missing last week. I have been in the hospital, I'm hoping to get one out next week regular schedule but it might be another two weeks as I recover and also finish my exams. But this is another long one for you guys! It's a tough one though. Same trigger warnings but like big time for drug abuse. Maybe keep the tissues handy (sorry not sorry).

Henry is standing in their en-suite holding the bottle of Adderall Alex had packed for the honeymoon. He didn't think he was gonna need it, but he was worried about going cold-turkey and brought it with him just in case. He had taken it once over the past four days because the withdrawal fatigue hit him bad one morning. Henry hadn't seen. He had kept it in the small pocket of his toiletry bag. Now his husband of only 5 days is holding it out in front of him.

"Uh... it's um..." He considers lying, but he couldn't do that to Henry, especially after all they've just been through. But he didn't want to have this conversation now. He was going to tell him when they got home, but he wanted to be the one to bring it up. It's bad enough he's hidden it for this long. He suddenly realizes how ashamed he is about this. He had told himself it was no big deal, but the pounding in his heart says otherwise.

"It's Adderall," Alex finally says. He watches the recognition hit Henry's eyes.

"Did Al prescribe it? I never thought you might have ADHD." Oh god. Henry must know that's not what this is. There's no label on the bottle with his name. But he's still trying to give Alex the benefit of the doubt.

"No, baby. I don't have ADHD." He finally has to look away, down at his bare feet on the old wooden floors.

"Then where did you get it? ....why do you have it?" Even though Alex isn't looking at him, he can hear the pain in Henry's voice. He can't escape the pain he's causing.

"Someone from the campaign hooked me up with a supply. No one knows."

"How long." Alex finally looks up to see that tears are overflowing in Henry's eyes. He wants to run to him, wrap his arms around him and tell him it's ok, but he's frozen to the spot. Henry repeats, "How. Long?"

"Three months."

"Three months? You've been taking illegal Adderall  for three months?!"

Alex feels his heart constrict. His knees feel weak. He guides himself slowly over to the bed before he collapses on the floor instead. He says nothing. Henry stands, still frozen with the bottle in his hand, in the doorframe to the bathroom. Finally his arms go slack and the bottle slips from his fingers. It hits the floor and the pills scatter across the floor, like beads from a broken bracelet. Neither of them move to clean it up.

"Why?" Henry asks at last. Why. The obvious answer is to work, to be able to stay up and get more done, to be more productive. But that is not what Henry is asking.

"Because I cannot fail again," Alex says. Henry quietly moves to sit next to him on the bed. He raises one hand to stroke Alex's cheek and Alex lets his head fall against it.

"You never failed, Alex. I thought you and Al worked through that a long time ago. You didn't fail. Having to change your plans does not make you a failure. And then suddenly you are on track to be a Congressman by 30 anyways, like you always wanted."

"That's exactly it. I got a second chance at my dream. My first dream." Alex looks up, into Henry's eyes. "My biggest dream is you. And now I've failed at that. Less than a week in and I have failed you in so many ways." And now I'm going to lose you because of it, Alex thinks. The lies, the... addiction– he has to admit that's what this has become. How can Henry forgive him?