The Story of Us

A letter to Stephen

It's been over two months and I still don't get it. I know I should hate you, and part of me does. But there is a part of me that feels like this is all just a bad dream. You said we'd be married by 32. You said you've loved me since we were 13. How could you walk away so easily from that? I don't want to brag, but look how far you've come because I pushed you. You got a job, went to therapy, fixed your relationship with your dad, cut out toxic people from your life, and became a grown up. We lived together and paid bills. I thought we had each other's backs, but apparently not. I don't understand why you felt like you couldn't talk to me. If you felt like I took things you said wrong, why not work on how you say things? I tried that with you. You said you loved me more than you could ever love yourself and yet you weren't willing to fight for me, for us. You must really hate yourself because if you loved me half as much as you claimed you did, you would have kept fighting. Looking back, there are a ton of things I asked you to do that you refused to do. It breaks my heart that you claim you quit smoking "just for a change". Why couldn't you do that for me? I told you about my family's health issues and yet you pushed it off. I told you I worried about your drinking and yet you continued, even blamed me in the end for it. And now you're the reason I drink too. I know I am mourning the future I thought I had with you and I know I should try to focus on why this is better for me but for every negative memory I have I tend to pull a good one too. Honestly, I want you to know how much you hurt me, with and without knowing. The comment you made about owing you months of back rent you paid for me hurt. I fully believed I left the full burden of my portion on you. It took a lot to pull myself together and remember that I paid you at least half for those three months. Yes, it was only three months. I remember calling your sister crying because I felt so bad. But you kept saying, "It's okay, mama. We got this. We're a team." I guess I was a fool to believe you. I am so glad I was able to focus on school during that time though because now I am making more money and can get into a Masters program. I did that. Yes, you helped me through it and for that I am thankful. I was able to grow alongside you. You began to refuse to let me help you grow too. I had offered to apply for that program to get the electric bill lower three times, and every time you refused telling me it was inconvenient. Yet you were telling me to stop using the ac and the dishwasher while your friend left his gaming PC on 24/7. You cannot be stupid enough to believe that I was using all that electricity and he wasn't.

I wish I knew when you stopped loving me. I can't help but wonder how long you were dragging me along for, under this false pretense that you were going to propose. You claim you had a ring picked out. I really did have yours, and it hurts knowing that you probably weren't being honest. It also hurts you felt the need to call my "best friend" and tell her everything you felt was wrong with me. Why couldn't you tell me? You said you wanted to break up with me in person, but you weren't even willing to talk about what we could've done to prevent it. When did you start having one foot out the door? You acted like you were willing to do therapy with me, but then you flaked. Did you feel like saving us was too much work? I was willing to do anything to save us. I worked on holding my tongue when it came to engagement questions, because I knew it annoyed you. I stopped begging you to go to the grocery store with me. I agreed that you could smoke weed in the house, when we had originally agreed no smoking in the house. I bent so many of my boundaries in an attempt to keep you. You know I overthink and I keep replaying or whole relationship over and over in my head. Why did I keep taking you back? We aren't in high school anymore, you shouldn't be able to dump me and get back together with me the next day. I keep looking at your lies and broken promises. You said you'd pay for your Six Flags pass but only did a handful of times. You said you'd get Alfie's scratches fixed and replace the seatbelt buckle. You promised to replace the chipped spoon rest, sand and paint the tables, get me a spare tire. You promised you quit coke for me. Yet, the neighbor told me he sold to you a few times. That one broke me. You said you didn't want to hurt me because you were unhappy, but what do you think hurts more? Being told your partner is unhappy and working to find a solution or being blindsided and left in the dirt? I'll tell you the latter fucking hurts more. All I wanted was for you to tell me how you felt, but you refused. "You're the therapist, you figure it out" will forever be burned into my brain. The whole month of August feels like it was just one big game to you. My mom says that me switching jobs again probably set you off, but I even asked you if I should do this and you encouraged me. You said leaving was the last thing you wanted to do but that's all you did. You didn't try anything else. Let's recall that sentence that is burned in my brain,"...YOU figure it out". How is that fair? How can someone single handedly save a relationship? I was the one willing to try anything; you are the one who ran away. I left that conversation because it was one sided and I needed to pick up my medication, which I was taking and had just recently restarted. But your response? "Run away like you always do."
I wasn't getting anywhere with you. Why should I sit there and torture myself? You refused to say anything to help so it was hurting me. It hurt I made an effort and you didn't. I don't think you realize I would ask about your day and you would go on and on and never asked me about mine. I would have to change the subject to talk about mine. I'm also still trying to figure out why you called my "best friend" to vent about me, just to tell her she could tell me everything you said. Yet you posted on Instagram about me having her talk to you for me and how I should "grow up and tell you myself". That's the whole reason she even reached out to you in the first place. I didn't want to see you. Honestly, part of me was worried about what would happen if I saw you in person. Part of me wanted to smack the shit out of you. Part of me wants afraid to cry. All I know is that was the worst day of my life, In my life has been full of shitty days. Anyways, I hope you realize I was sitting right next to her as you spilled all those lies.  You told her I complained about watching your shows, and you always watched my shows. I honestly don't remember last time I chose what we watched. I sat through multiple seasons of Street Outlaws and watched tons of uncle Joey and other podcasts. Besides all that, you named shows I've never even watched like 90 Day fiancé, which was one your mom watched. Not me. I can see your confusion, given almost every piece of clothing you owned was bought by me. Or the fact that I paid for all of our dates the first half for relationship. Or the fact we had to use alfie whenever we went somewhere. I was basically a second mother to you. Another thing you said that continues to bother me is that I told Penzo... I'll pause there for a moment. I would never talk to him like that, so I guess the correct wording would be that Penzo overheard. My problem here is why did you believe what he said? Why not ask me about it? Like you said, come to the source? You seemed to believe everyone else but never asked for clarification. I did not say your job wasn't hard. I said your job is physically draining while mine is mentally/emotionally draining and that those can feel the same in the end. You didn't seem to understand that, even though you would tell me that some of your days were mentally exhausting. Yes, you're tired. Yes, you worked all day. But so did I. If anything, I am the one who should be mad considering you told her that my job is easy and that all I do is drive. Yes, I was driving a lot but do you know what happens when I drive a lot? I overthink and dissociate, just like when I lost my license. On top of that, working with people on the spectrum who were my age and older was difficult. I don't think you realized how hard that was. I wish there was a bring your partner to work day just so you could experience it.