The Story of Us

Aftermath

January 2, 2024

It's been almost four months since you left me. I still have moments where the memory of you hurts. I still cry myself to sleep some nights. I can't even attempt to have a relationship; every time someone tries to hold my hand or kiss me I automatically flinch. I don't want anyone to touch me except you. But I know you don't care.

I went back to how things were before we dated; the occasionally "Merry Christmas" and "happy birthday" texts. You didn't reply. I can't help but wonder if you blocked my number. It shouldn't matter, but it's like I have OCD. All I can think about is you. What are you doing? Do you miss me? Do you realize that I wasn't as awful as you make me feel like I am? Do you think about me?

I went through my mom's phone one day and find this message from you. In April, you told her you planned on proposing in the next six months. At month five you left me. How did things change so quickly? Even in July things felt fine. I don't understand. If you really loved me, how could you just give up on me like that? Which leads me to this question: why did you lie to me?

Every kiss, every "I love you". Every "I want to marry you". It was all a lie.

If you really loved me, you would've fought.
If you really loved me, you would've tried.
If you really loved me, we would've fixed it.

You wanted to marry me yet kept leaving me at the drop of a hat. I'm so glad now that I didn't get pregnant like you allegedly wanted. I can't imagine trying to coparent with you. You know having to handle the dog on my own stressed me out, I can't imagine having a kid on my own right now.

Maybe you would've stayed if we had a kid. But that's a sad thought. You wouldn't be with me because you loved me, you'd be with me for the kid. And you know that didn't work well for your parents.

I'll say it again, I'm so happy I don't have your child. I'm so happy Stephen Wyatt is nothing more than a pipe dream. While it breaks my heart that Wyatt won't be a thing for me, I'm glad to know he wouldn't have to endure the same trauma either of us did; whether it be having a deadbeat dad who wants next to nothing to do with him or watching his parents in a basically loveless marriage... I know that would've been his fate now that your cards are on the table. I'm glad you left me. I want neither of those options for my kids, and I feel like that's all you could give me. There's no way in hell you'd be able to stay planted and keep from running. You say I'm the runner, but look at the history. You run when things get hard while I want to talk it out. Everyone said they've seen growth in me over the last few years, even if you refuse to acknowledge it. I will continue to grow without you. While it breaks my heart constantly, I think I deserve someone who truly appreciates me. Not only have your lies been brought to my attention but also your ungratefulness. You never thanked my mom when she would take us to dinner. You never thanked me for randomly buying you clothes, food, anything honestly. You didn't appreciate me the way you should've. I hope you see now how much I did for you and learn to appreciate the things people do for you. I deserve better and plan on finding it elsewhere. I love you, and you will always have a place in my heart as my first everything, but I know you aren't my last.