The Story of Us

Healing

Slowly but surely, I continue to heal from the pain he caused. It blows my mind to look back. If that man would've told me I had to rip all my finger nails off and bleed for him to stay, I would've. I did so many things I never thought I would, all because I loved him, including taking him back time and time again. I can't help but wonder where I'd be today if I would've just said no instead of taking him back. I saw a post on Instagram a few weeks back that resonated with me. It read, "Stay away from people who always consider you expressing how you feel as you arguing or being extra. It's called Gaslighting. Toxic people do that so they don't have to take accountability for their own behavior." I had never read something that I felt to my core the way I did when I read this. He had always called me argumentative. Literally one of his last messages said, " whats the point? im clearly the bad guy here. its just gonna be another argument".

Maybe it would've been an argument but only because I was willing to fight for us and he wasn't.

Anyways, I just wanted an explanation of why he had lied to me. He had said that we would never get divorced, that we would always talk it out. To him, our relationship wasn't like a marriage. But to me, I viewed our relationship as pre marriage. You treat it the same. When I asked why he wasn't willing to talk, that was his response.

A month later he had texted me saying " i left u cuz u act like this constantly..you as a person are exhausting. i couldnt deal with it anymore. u put words in everyones mouth and act like ur miss perfect. u act like you are more important than everyone. toxic af. i left for my own sanity."

I find his comments so funny looking back now. In the moment, he had gaslit the shit outta me. I believed I was this terrible, unlovable person. I honestly wanted to die. But then I realized it was gaslighting. If you ask any of my friends and family if I have a grandiose personality, they'll tell you no. I honestly have terrible self esteem. So the fact he tried to say I act like I'm perfect or that I am more important than anyone is comical. The only way I could see that is the fact I asked to have our assigned parking spot. We didn't live in the best area and there were times where I'd be getting home at midnight or even 3 in the morning. I didn't feel safe; the only open spots that late at night would be nearly half way across the complex.

I can somewhat understand why he felt I put words in his mouth; I'm an overthinker and take things quite literally. There were multiple times where I rephrased what he had said and his response was "hear what I mean, not what I say". So it seemed he was aware his words weren't always correct.

I remember one time he told my mom she needs to be careful with what she says "to his delicate flower". I was so happy to have him understand me. Too bad he couldn't practice what he preached.

It's funny because he said I was gaslighting and a narcissist. I'm sure I've already mentioned all that though. It's crazy people don't always look in the mirror before pointing fingers.

Over the last six months, I had a one night stand. It was awful... too soon. It was a few days after he gaslit me. I never talked to that guy again. But then I met another guy, who was great honestly. We weren't looking for the same things. If he was a little bit older and looking for something long term, I think we would've been perfect. I have been on a few other dates, some awful and some amazing. I continue to miss Stephen and the way he made me feel in the good times. But as I share both the good and the bad with new friends, they remind me I deserve better. I have been told by multiple people that I have a heart of gold, I deserve the best, and that I give so much that I deserve someone who will give me the world. I know Stephen would never be able to do that. I was a fool to believe he would.

Slowly, I start to realize he wasn't a Prince Charming I deserve. I realize I deserve better. He never appreciated all the things I did for him; from buying him clothes, helping him when he needed me, letting him use my car for our trips, and doing our grocery shopping even when I didn't have much money. I show people the way he talked to me and they make me realize how poorly I was treated. I deserve someone who will give me the world. Someone who gives me as much as I give them. Like Stephen said, equal roles. Not one where I'm constantly giving and getting only minimal effort in return. I deserve someone who treats me with the amount of love and respect I give. But also someone who understands me. I could explain myself until the cows came home and apologize for my flaws but he'd never understand and fully accept me for who I am. I shouldn't have to apologize for my flaws. My soulmate will love me, flaws and all.

I will continue to heal for him.