Never Letting Go. (Sequel to Til Death Do Us Part.)

11. Did I Mess Up?

*Niall's P.O.V*

I was in my bedroom that was now holding me. Just me and only me. My head was in my hands and my leg was shaking uncontrollably. My head was aching and I couldn't think straight. The reason my head has been aching is because of Liz. All I do anymore is sit and think of her. I try all the time to keep her away from my brain, but she's taken over every cell left, living up there.

Liz was just here. She looked so lonely. There was a part of me that wanted to hug her and a part of me that wanted to kick her out. She was so hurt by what I did and I could tell. Just by her auora. You could see the pain and suffering, radiating through her face. Almost as if she wasn't herself anymore. Like a demon swallowed her entire body and made it it's own.

You could tell by the way she tried to hold her tears back. To keep me from seeing her at her worst. You may think I have already, but this was different. She was emotionally unstable and falling apart at the seams. I have never seen her that broken. Not even when Josh raped her. She's taking our upcoming divorce much much harder than that.

I didn't want that. I didn't want to see her like this. No matter how bad I feel about it, I can't take it back or reverse time. I can't go back and rethink what I've done to hurt her and put her through so much pain, but at the same time I couldn't let her feel like I'd let her walk all over my feelings. She couldn't go without a wake up call of how she hurt me. It isn't just her in pain. I'm hurting too, but I still have no excuse. Breaking up with her in that hospital just after she woke up was a dick move and as of lately I've been pulling alot of those.

The thing that really hurts me the most about this whole thing is when I caught her playing my guitar. Nothing in this world can make me believe that she wasn't missing any part of our old lives. Together anyway. The way she cried and poured her heart into that song made me hate myself. She showed how much she wanted everything normal again in that song. She showed how much she was willing to give up for everything to go back to normal. Most of all she showed how much time and effort she put into proving that she was the only one worthy of my love.

She showed that she was in love. She was in love with an idiot. An idiot who can't decide weither or not to go and apologize to her or just sit and watch what we had crumble away into the blackness. A deep, meaningless, ugly blackness that'll swallow us both whole and make us disappear from nearly every form of loved ones we have.

Our parents, friends, child, and even each other. We're drifting further and further apart because of what I thought was the right thing to do. It turned out to be wrong. More than wrong. It turned out to be a test of how long I could go with believing that what I did indeed was the right thing. I'm just ashamed that it took me a month to see it.

Instead we're both left to rot in a pit of depression. It was just full enough for the two of us to share. I didn't want to share it. It was my fault. I deserve every ounce of depression poured over me because of my stupid decision to tear her heart into shreds and spit on her feelings. I deserve to drown in depression. With a boulder tied to my ankle and thrown into the middle of a sea full of it.

Now she's probably sitting at Harry's flat, crying her face off because of my pointless decision.

Am I going to deny the fact that I am still madly in love with her? No. Not at all. When you've been with someone for almost nine years, throwing away love is something you can't do that easily. All you know is each other. All you know is love. All you know is that you want to spend the rest of your life with the one person you fought so hard for. Fought so long for. Of course when you're me, you make stupid ass choices and end up single, sitting in your room, wishing you could take back all the mistakes you've made and continue with what could have been.