Pat

Goodbye is the saddest word

I knew Pat well enough to know that she wouldn’t stay away for that duration so I went to stay with my parents. I was certain she wouldn’t misbehave around them because I’d never forgive her for that.

She came knocking two weeks later. My parents considered Pat thoughtful and a great influence on me. She was. Pat was a responsible spouse. She took up roles that I should have taken at home.

In addition to helping me with Chance’s school fees, she also helped with most of my parents’ household bills.

I paid those bills but that was because she sent the money. Sometimes, I told my parents who it was from and sometimes I didn’t. She never visited my parents empty-handed which was unlike me.

Whenever she’d visit and saw that the fence and bushes needed trimming she’d tell me to get someone to do it then pay him. She'd started doing all that after we started dating exclusively.

Pat also knew what to say around my parents. They would talk for hours whether on the phone or when we went to visit. I never stuck around to hear what they talked about.

That Saturday, my mom prepared lunch as she usually did. Pat always praised my mom’s cooking and my mom always made sure she had her fill.

She then played with Chance for a while with his new toy, which she'd brought him, before they watched a movie. After that she and my parents talked as mom prepared supper. She left after we had supper, that's how most of her visits went.

“Can we talk?” she asked before she left. She had already said goodbye to the others. I got in the car and she drove a distance away from the house. “I’m really sorry for what I did,”

“I know you are but it doesn’t undo anything,”

“I broke your trust and nothing I say or do will show you how sorry I am,”

“Then you already know my answer,”

“It’s times like this I wish I was a man. That way I could get the parents involved and maybe convince you to forgive me because I know we can still work this out,”

“What is love without trust? We could get back together that’s not impossible. But I’m not about to live my life wondering if you and Becky are still talking or if there’s someone else you are doing it with. I want to be free from that,”

“You are willing to throw away two years just like that?”

“You were willing to do the same, weren’t you? I wanted forever with you Pat. I wanted to go the whole mile with you. And when the time came I was going to come out to my family and tell them about us regardless of their thoughts. That’s how much I loved you and was willing to sacrifice for us but I guess I was alone on this,”

“Please give me another chance, my love,”

“It’ll never be the same as it was. I can’t trust you again,”

“What about Chance?”

“You can come visit him whenever you want. I’m not going to ruin your relationship with him just because ours didn’t work out. I know for a fact that he loves you just as much as you love him. You were a great mom to him, I’m not going to take that from him,”

“Is this really goodbye?”

“I guess it is,”

“I’m sorry for the pain I caused you,”

“I know you are. I’m sorry I wasn’t enough,”

“Is that how you feel? Is that how I made you feel?”

“Maybe this is the universe’s way of telling me I’m not supposed to be in a relationship,” I quickly wiped away my tears.

“Baby, it breaks my heart to see you crying,”

“I used to believe you with all of my heart when you said that. Now those are just empty words,”

“I meant them every time and I mean them now,”

“If only I could believe that. Goodbye Pat and I wish you nothing but happiness from the bottom of my heart, I also pray you find what you’ve been looking for,”

“You are what I’m looking for and more. I found it all in you,”

“You have a fucked up way of showing it,” she was quiet for a while before I got out of the car. I headed back home and a few seconds later I heard her speed off. I wanted to breakdown and cry but that would have made a lot of people suspicious.

I held it in and I let it all out when I went back to my place that Monday. I cried so hard it became painful. After that I drowned myself in work and weed.

For two weeks, I got lost in my own world and I didn’t notice how silent she had gone.