cascade | kotlc

32. The Goodbye Already Said

tw: attempted su/cide

- F. K.

It is her fault.

The moment in that plane has been replaying in her mind for days. Fitz's words, his astounding confidence as he stood by the bay door, clasped her hand, told her to be safe, and somehow, smiled.

She let him go. Let him sacrifice himself, becoming the martyr in his blazing aura of golden light, exploding in a supernova. His death is her fault.

He wanted to, she screams at herself. He wanted to do it. He made his choice. I- I couldn't have stopped it if I wanted to.

I could've! I didn't say enough, I should've- should've convinced him, I don't know, I shouldn't have let him out! It's my fault, it's my fault, he said June would be happy, but she's not...

It's my fault, I lost him, what did he say to me to make me agree?

He said, "Instead of choosing whether to live or to die, we may suffice in choosing when to die, and how to die; and shall we have no choice over our death, we may remind ourselves that our life is always under our control," yes, that's what he said, why is that...

He wanted to die then, he knew it, he knew he boarded that plane with no hope of returning, that day was the day he chose to die...

The last thing he said to me was, "I am ready now," and what before that? "Thank you," he thanked her for something, what was it? She told him "Of course," to something he said, what was it?

"Take care of June for me."

A new round of tears spill, and she hardly staggers to her bed before her knees seize and she tumbles onto her covers. Her entire body is buzzing with the electronic hum of lightning, and there is pressure everywhere, hiding under her skin and ready to explode.

June, please, it was what he wanted, he told me, he told me that you would be happy because you would know that it was what he wanted... but you're not, of course you're not, he's dead, because of me...

It's my fault, it's my fault, everything, I could've done so much more, overwhelmed him with your love, June, I should've reminded him of everything you'd enjoyed with him, should've told him the things you told me, in that infirmary, when I'd finished myself...

You told me, "He is the only reason I'm here today," that was what you told me, and I agreed, I said that he was the one who dragged you through everything, if he wasn't there, what then, there would've been no Moonlark, no Black Swan, no nothing...

I let you lose him, why did I do that, what's wrong with me?

It's my problem, there's just- something inherently wrong with me, I must be a motherboard with a resistor for a wire, a circuit with boron instead of copper, there's just a fault with me, it'd be better if you didn't know me at all...

I cost you everything, you never should've trusted me, why on earth did you let me onto that plane with him? I left you to struggle with Vespera and Alvar, I was a coward, I escaped, and I didn't even help him, what is my problem?

Her tears flow, and she clutches the post of her bed, feels the intricate carving of the wooden lion, the smooth curves along its mane and the claws on its feet. Her wrists are impossible cold, as if they'd been encased in ice.

"I'm sorry!" she screams, at nothing in particular, or perhaps she was hoping June could hear her through the crystal walls, but mostly she needs to let it out. "There's just something that's- wrong with me! It's my fault, I know, it's all my fault, I'm going, it's- it's- I hate myself!"