Wounded Like Me

~1~

Life is a precious gift. The air that seeps through our lungs, the light that colors our eyes, the water that trickles down our hands, the beat that comes from our hearts, and the sound that fills our ears is a gift that we will never be able to repay. Yet, we are given such a gift, no matter what we do with it. This is true until we pass on, to that place where no one has returned from to tell its tale. The good and bad all pass on, their times always varying; everyone passes. All of us. Eventually, but certainly. No matter how good or how bad we are, we all are destined to the same death. So in case I didn't get the chance to say it, as so many have before, I might as well say it now; goodbye.

+++

The clouds outside my foggy window blocked the sun from reaching my room. The walls that surrounded me were completely bare, plaster covering the wholes that were once engraved to hold posters and photographs. A pile of boxes stood in the far corner, some were open, some concealing my possessions. My closet was almost empty, my clothes all packed. Through my open door, I heard the mourning of my mother, her sobs as clear as day. I pealed the covers off of me, and got up. I scrunched my toes a little, feeling the soft carpet, and then made my way down the hall. Everything is being packed away to be shipped off, only to be seen once again in a few days later. I avoid the creaks on the steps, one in the middle on the second step, another on the right by the seventh step, and a last one on the left on the second to last step. Each creak memorized by me and my brother from when we were kids and wanted to sneak into the kitchen to get cookies. Then later on when I heard a noise and got too scared so I would beg for him to check for anybody sneaking in the house. Then as we tried to sneak in and out of the house unnoticed by our parents.

I reach the bottom and head to the kitchen where I know I will find my mother. Our family pictures that once covered the walls are now laid out on a table, ready to be packed. I find one of me and my brother of when we had gone to the beach. I remember we had raced with some of our friends there, I was on his back and my best friend, Jen, was on another guys back. My brother Jonah and I were a little behind, so I grabbed my shoe and slung it at our opponents, they tripped and fell. Jonah had not expected them to fall, so we fell as well. We passed the marked line, but we were laughing too much to notice. Our laughs echo in my ears as I am sucked back into reality, ripped out of my trance.

I slowly reach the doorway, my feet against the hard wood floors, my hand tracing the bare walls. Without being noticed, I see my mother sitting on a chair by the breakfast table. Her hands are clutching the edge of the table, her knuckles white. Her dark brown hair, some gray strands start to appear at the roots that weren't there before, covers her face, cascading into long curls onto the table. Her hunched posture shows she is defeated from the battle occurring within her. I know exactly why she is crying, but the memory is too painful, so I attempt to push it away.

She looks up when she notices me heading towards her. Her eyes are pools of tears rushing out onto her cheeks. She looks so vulnerable, and it pains to see my own mother in so much agony. Pain my mother should never have to go through. I pull a chair next to her and wrap an arm around her. My gesture causes her to collapse into my arms. I can't avoid the tears that start to come out of me either. The pain is too much to bear; all I have in this moment is my mother. Our huddled figures stay there until we hear the loading truck park in our drive-way.

+++

This was the week before last of summer vacation, Jonah graduated this year, got accepted into a local university, and rented an apartment for himself that was near the campus. He took most of his stuff with him, so the rest my mom decided to throw away, the only thing we kept was his stupid recliner. He had bought it himself. Most teen-aged boys would save up for a car, but he had one already, and he wanted to spend his hard earned money, so he bought the most comfortable recliner in the world. It was blue and matched with nothing we owned but he was proud. Sometimes he would let me sit on it if he was staying out late and I wasn't. Other times if he was watching a horror movie, I would squeeze in with him. If I didn't have a bowl of popcorn in my hands, he would never allow it.

I hand the last box to one of the people packing up all our furniture, and sit on the curb of the street. The sun is bright today, and I have to squint to see. My mom is talking to one of the guys when I hear a distant whistle. I smile as I look up to see Jen running to me. I stand up and open my arms for a hug. I laugh at her wide grin. "You're late," I say. "We're about to leave."

Jen shrugs and says, "You would never allow them to leave without saying goodbye. You're stupid, but not that stupid."

"I'm going to miss your insults so much," I say with a whimper. Tears rush out of my eyes and I reach in and give her another hug. I hear her sniffling which makes me cry even more. "Me too," her voice is muffled in my dark brown hair. We hold each other tight, her blonde hair keeps getting in my face, but I don't mind. Her vanilla shampoo is as familiar as it has always been. Jen believes you should use the same shampoo and conditioner always, so you smell good, but the same all the time. I thought it was just another remark, but now I understand. I could point out Jen by simply smelling her hair, which sounds weird but is still true. She pulls away, her hazel eyes glossy from the tears, "Remember to visit any chance you can. And don't forget to tell me about all the boys at your new school."

I nod ferociously, "I promise." I hug her again, not knowing what to say. Jen and I always have stuff to talk about, but today seems like we have finally run out of words. "God this is way harder than it was with your brother, if it's even possible." With that, I sob even more and strain not to scream. "Don't say that!" I hear her sigh in regret.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. I'm sorry, so sorry. I am ok? I'm sorry." I nod and she holds me tighter and we stay like that until its time for me to go. This is just too much crying lately. Out the front seat window I see Jen's small figure becoming smaller and smaller as we drive away.

The whole six hours to our new home are silent. Neither my mother nor I spoke the entire time. I kicked off my shoes and placed my feet on the dashboard. I listened to the radio, and when the songs began to repeat too much, I listened to my own music, my headphones blocking the silence. We stopped for some fast food on the way, the french-fries were great by the way. Thirty minutes later we got some ice cream. We only talked when deciding what we wanted to get in both occasions. I was getting sore of sitting for so long by the time we arrived to the small town. It was dark and our furniture wasn't going to be there so we stayed at a hotel instead.

+++

By morning we were unpacking our stuff at the new house. It has big windows everywhere, a big front and back yard. I decide I will ask for a dog soon. I walk in. I actually like it. It has an open floor plan with high ceilings. There is an office room that I know my brother would have used to put in his weights and guitar stuff. Since he isn't living with us anymore my mother will make it look like a decent office room that nobody will use. The kitchen has an island that looks into the living room. I race upstairs to see my new room. When I get there I see that it has its own bathroom and a walk-in closet. My mothers' room is down the hall, which means if I have to sneak out I won't have to walk by her room, which is pretty good. Of course I will have to check for any creeks but I doubt I will find any.

I find my moms room, which is obviously bigger, but I don't pay much attention to it. Then I find the "guest room" which would have been Jonah's room but won't be. I thought the house would be smaller considering it will be just my mom and myself but I'm not complaining.

My mom sees me and smiles. "I have something to say, before we finish unpacking." She takes a breath. "This being your last year before you go off to university, I want you to enjoy yourself. I'll be lenient on you as long as you behave. However, this does not mean you can go off every night at all hours, understand?" I nod, not knowing what else to say.

"Wait so... I'm confused." I admit. She smiles and says, "I want you to enjoy yourself, have fun, so don't be afraid to ask for permission to go out. You don't have to keep sneaking out, I would rather know where you are going especially since Jonah won't be joining you anymore."

I smile, and feel a tinge of hurt. I nod and give her a light hug. "Okay. And just so you know, you're pretty cool." She laughs and pats my shoulder.

"Oh honey, tell me something I don't know." She says with a smirk. I grin, glad to cheer my mom up.