[ twenty one ]
James left Toni's house almost instantly; he had gotten into his car and sped off down the street. I almost wanted to call him on the phone to make sure he was okay. But I knew the more distance there was between us, the better. Giselle already didn't like me and if she were to find out about the job he got for me and the apartment, she would further her attempts in getting me to go away. I wished James could understand why I was pushing him away.
Things were different now and he had someone else.
That afternoon over dinner, Toni mentioned with a hint of excitement, "I talked to the people who handle public relations at the club and they promised to give you an interview."
I raised an eyebrow at him in confusion. James had told me the same thing. Could it be possible that he was taking credit for what Toni did? Lacking a bit of enthusiasm after the events of the day, I said, "Oh, that's great. Thank you, Toni."
He frowned. "You don't sound like its great news. Is something wrong?"
I sighed. "It is good news, the best I've gotten since I lost my job. I'm just worried about James. You saw how he sped off so quickly in his car, and I'm concerned for him. I know he and I broke up a long time ago, but we grew up together in Colombia. We were best friends, our parents are friends. As long as I live, he will always be a part of my life because of those things. I will always care about him." I would always love James.
"I'm sure he's fine." Toni assured me.
But the expression of worry on my face wouldn't go away. "And if he isn't?" I wondered. Many negative thoughts clouded my mind in that moment.
"Maybe you should call him." Toni suggested with a light shrug of his shoulders. In his eyes there was no anger or annoyance, only understanding. He knew that I genuinely wanted to move on, but my friendship with James was something he may need to accept. "I don't want you to spend the rest of the day worrying over him. Just call and ease your fears." And when he smiled at me, it was a genuine smile. Though Toni disliked James, he was still encouraging me to call him because he knew it would make me feel better.
I nodded and excused myself from the dinner table. I walked back to my bedroom and grabbed my cellphone off the nightstand where it was charging.
After unlocking it, I searched my contacts for James' name and hit the dial button.
The wait was agonizing as I heard the ringing from the other side, but came up with no answer. I tried once more, and then again. Each time the phone rang several times before sending me to voicemail. On my last attempt that went to voicemail, I left him a message, my voice a complete shakey mess as I was concerned for him, "James, its Arista. Call me back as soon as you get my message. I just want to make sure you're okay." I hit the end button seconds later and plopped myself down on my bed with a sigh.
The same emotion was felt in that moment. Shame. The very same I felt when I told James I didn't want to get married.
And it was the shame felt after a mistake.
My heart wanted to take his offer. My heart wanted to go with him, but my head wouldn't allow it. And now my heart was making me feel shame because I hurt him once again and he was out somewhere. He wasn't picking up and there was a chance he had gotten hurt.
I knew I wouldn't be able to live with the guilt if something were to happen to James.
-
James never returned my call and I didn't sleep that night. My feares consumed me.
I thought of the worst.
That morning would be my interview at Real Madrid and I was tired, but I did my best to hide it. I was ready very early and said goodbye to Toni. He wished me goodluck and promised he'd arrive later to take me out to dinner after practice. Today their practice was a bit earlier, but not as early as my interview.
