[ thirty ]
James walked past Toni and his parents to get to his car, though he was a bit hesitant to do so. Neither of us knew how Toni would take the break-up, and James looked like he wanted to stay. But I didn't want a serious problem to unfold with both of them here. With one last wave goodbye, and a small smile, he got into the car and drove off. Now all my attention was put on Toni and how I was supposed to break up with him tonight. I bit my lip nervously.
How could I do that to him when he was so good to me?
Opening the front door, I said to him, "Please, come in."
I led them inside and asked them to sit on the livingroom couches while I went to get my parents. Before I left the room, Toni stood up and walked over to me. With a nervous expression on his face, he whispered, "Sorry I brought my parents over here without letting you know. They were just really excited to meet you. My brother Felix wanted to come too, but I told him that might be a bit too many people to bother your family with. Are you upset at me for that?" He looked so sweet and shy with the way he scratched the back of his head sheepishly, it was almost painful to think I would have to break his heart.
I shook my head, trying to keep myself calm. And I tried my best to keep my voice from cracking. "I'm not upset. I'll just go get my parents so they can keep your company while we talk."
"My parents don't speak spanish." He informed me.
"And mine don't speak english or german." I said.
"Maybe they can communicate in hand signals or drawings." He said with a smile. I smiled as well, but it was forced. He didn't seem to notice, and if he did, he was good at pretending he didn't.
I excused myself and left the room and went to find my parents. They were in the kitchen, sitting at the table having a conversation. They didn't even flinch when they heard the door open, probably because they knew it was me. My mother looked towards me first, the smile evident on her face, "Back so soon?" She asked me, "I thought you wouldn't be back until much later."
I ignored her question and got straight to the point. "Mom, dad, remember I told you I had to break up with my current boyfriend first?" When they nodded, I continued, "Well, Toni is here, and he brought his parents. And I want you to please go out to the living room and greet them while Toni and I talk."
They followed me to the livingroom where Toni was with his family. Without saying anything to them, I grabbed Toni by the arm and dragged him up the stairs to the terrace where we could have a more private conversation. The terrace was on top of the house, and we had outdoor furniture to sit on. When I was growing up, I had always used it as my club house.
I led Toni to a couch on one side and we sat down together. We were sitting under the stars, which were visible in the residential areas. The lights of the city a few miles away often didn't allow eyes to see the beauty of the stars above.
"You look like something's bothering you, liebe." He observed. "Are you sure its okay that my parents are here?"
I sucked in a nervous breath and tried to get the words out, but I couldn't. It was like they were stuck in the back of my throat. My mind was keeping them from making an appearance. I didn't want to hurt him that way. But I knew it had to be done. I couldn't keep stringing him along, making him think I was in love with him when I wasn't. Toni was too much of a good guy, he didn't deserve that. And I never meant to play with his feelings. When I accepted our relationship, I had honestly tried to forget about the love I felt for James.
"I'm not upset that you brought your family." I assured him once more. After a short pause, I finally admitted, "I just don't want you to hate me because...I'm going to hurt your feelings."
"Is that why he was here?" He guessed. He could clearly see what I meant.
I nodded, "I love him, Toni." I loved James. Those words were easy to say.
"But he hurts you." Toni pointed out, his voice sounding frustrated. "I've seen the way he makes you suffer, the way he makes you cry. And you want to let him continue doing that to you? That is not a healthy relationship."
"I only suffer when I'm not with him." I said, shaking my head at his words. And it was true. All that pain and suffering was only being caused because we wanted to be together and I wouldn't allow it. It was the only time I cried and suffered, when James was not with me. Before the break up, we were always happy and always in love. My eyes pooled up with tears as I continued talking, "You've been a great friend to me, Toni. But I'm not in love with you. I'm sorry."
Seconds before I even finished my sentence, he looked down. He wouldn't look at me anymore. "I always knew you weren't in love with me." He said in a voice barely above a whisper. "I just thought that if we were together long enough, you would forget James and learn to love me."
"They say true love is always one's first, and all the rest were meant to be forgotten." I said, remembering a song I loved when I was younger. "James has been my first and only love."
He sighed, still keeping his eyes trained on his hands which rested on his lap.
"Do you hate me?" I bit down on my lip.
I genuinely cared about Toni and I wouldn't be able to bear it if he were to hate me.
He shook his head. "I don't hate you. I still love you, but I'm thankful you didn't lead me on for a long time even if it hurts right now. I think if we had dated for several years and had later gotten married, only for it to end years later because you don't love me...then I think that would be a situation where it would be harder to forgive.
"I still want to be your friend." I said, reaching for one of his hands and giving it a light squeeze.
"Friends." The word sounded strained as it left his lips.
"Yes." I nodded, my eyes hopeful.
"We can be friends." He finally said in a pained voice that broke my heart. Getting up from his spot on the couch next to me, he sucked in a deep breath to steady his voice, "Well, I'll go tell my parents we broke up and we can return to Deutschland. I'll tell them it was a mutual decision."
With that, he walked down the stairs that led back to the house.
I remained on the terrace for a few more minutes. But by the time I went back down stairs, Toni and his parents were already gone.
Though breaking up with Toni was difficult and it broke my heart to see him upset, I was glad he took it well. He had been clearly upset by the news, but grasped the situation well. I as very thankful for that.
And I didn't feel any shame after breaking up with Toni because I knew I had made the right decision.
James and I were getting another chance to be truly happy.
-
toni took it quite well. now we must wait for james to break up with the big bitch of madrid. haha. i hope you're all liking this story. with each chapter posted, we are closer and closer to the end. i'm really going to miss this book. its one of the books i had the most fun writing.
anyway, thank you for reading. i may post another chapter later today or tomorrow.
-clary xx
