OFF THE RECORD (First Person)

7. Heartless

Regina
I had an appointment with my gynecologist early in the morning. I was sitting in the waiting area, ready to be seen. Almost a week had passed since I had ended in the emergency hall of this same hospital, but I still felt as miserable—emotionally— as I did that day.

I had avoided going to the same hospital where my friend Erica worked, not wanting to get her all worked up on what had happened to me.

Now, I was texting Emma, whom I had apologized to for missing her graduation.

Are you sure you're okay? Asked Emma in a message after finding out where I had been.

I could lie pretty well, I just needed to add some real details for it to seem real.

Sure sure. No worries. I'll talk to you later! I answered my friend.

Nobody knew what was really going on. No one, but Jose.

I kept telling myself that everything happened for a reason, to justify the emptiness in my chest.

Two months ago, I had bought some pregnancy tests, to determine why my period hadn't arrived and why I had the worst nausea I had ever had.

I didn't believe it was possible, after all, I had been in birth control since I was fifteen years old. Nevertheless, the tests came back positive, time and time again.

Being twenty years old, I felt there was still so much I had to do before bringing a new life in this world. But this is how things were, and I had no idea how to solve them.

I thought about aborting.

He doesn't have to know; I had excused myself.

I would do as if nothing had happened. But I couldn't. While imagining the beating of the growing heart inside of me, my own heart would shrink.

After a month, I collected the guts to tell Jose. Tell him everything, even the intrusive thoughts that rolled inside my head.

"No! It's a good thing you didn't do it. The baby is not at fault for our mistakes." He had assured me.

We saw each other at shoreline, on the steps facing the water, which hid us from the streets. We would always meet here, away from wandering eyes.

"But what am I supposed to do by myself? You are starting your campaign. Or are you really going to postpone it to announce you'll have a bastard?" I asked him with tears running down my cheeks. I couldn't hold all of the feelings that had overfilled me.

"Well, no. I don't think so. And don't call him that. You can count on me financially. I will take care of the food and nannies if you need it. The furniture and fixtures, too." Jose continued.

"In exchange for my silence?" I retorted. I knew I was being negative, but I felt helpless.

"What? No!" He snarled, offended by my insinuation. His train of thought had him looking up at the clear sky, his eyes moving from side to side. "It wouldn't hurt to announce it in a couple of months, though. Before people find out another way."

I then threw a dry laugh, "And would we make a happy family, too?"

Jose swallowed. "Reggie, you know I can't do that. I...I..."

"Don't you worry. I know for a fact you don't want to be with me."

He got closer to me, taking my hands in his. I couldn't look at him in the eyes, so I hid my own lowering my head down. He raised my face through my chin, caressing my cheek at the same time.

"I'm sorry I can't reciprocate your feelings." He stated sincerely.

I was a beautiful girl, whom he had known for years. He knew me very well. But maybe that was the reason why he couldn't feel more for me. He cared for me as a friend and he had an intense attraction to my body, but that was it.