OFF THE RECORD (First Person)

13. Unperson

Emma

September 2014

Liz laid across the library couch, face down, her book spread in front of her. I had stopped reading about fifteen minutes ago. I couldn't concentrate today.

The night before, I had gone to James's dorm, to study. I was nervous, mostly because I hadn't had much alone time with him. As the night went on, we got comfortable on his couch. He had started kissing me, taking my face between his hands.

And while I returned the affection, I couldn't go any further. I stopped him, explaining that I wasn't ready to get there in our relationship. He was understanding, but something didn't sit right with me.

"What are the two types of property to be identified and dealt with during a divorce?" Asks Liz, seeing that I was looking at anything but my book.

"Separate and martial." I looked up at her, bored.

"Okay, that was my bad. I should have asked you a harder one."

I shook my head. "Can I tell you something? About James."

Liz opened her mouth and nodded. She grabbed my hand. "Just to let you know, I know he's my cousin and everything, but I know he's an asshole. I just wondered how long it would take for him to show it to you."

I frowned. "He hasn't been an asshole. At least not yet. On the contrary, he's been a gentleman."

Liz made her mouth small. "So, what is it then?"

I sighed. It would be better to get it out. "We went to his dorm yesterday. And I couldn't do it. Like, you know, have sex with him."

Liz made a face of disgust. "And I don't blame you."

"No, but seriously. Is there something wrong with me?" I asked to then bite my upper lip.

Liz gets up, sitting straight on the couch. She closes her book at the same time. "Do you have a high libido?"

I shrugged. "I'm not sure. I haven't done it since high school. I know I used to like doing it, but maybe I just forgot."

Liz shakes her head. "No love, you are just not into him. Because one, you need to do it, and two, I'm sure you are over whoever you last did it with. I mean, 4 years ago? Girl, you are a virgin again!"

I smacked her hand and shushed her, looking around without moving my head, making sure no one had heard us. "Okay, I got it."

"I don't think you do. Like, haven't you been close to someone that just makes you feel all the feelings? That makes you wonder how it would feel to have their hands all over you?"

I blushed immediately. I could think of a name, but I was not about to bring him up. I wasn't even going to invoke his name.

Liz nodded, understanding the predicament that had formed in my brain. "Yeah. Look, James can be many things, but if you don't feel anything for him, why waste both of your times?"

My eyes moved to the floor. "I do feel things for him." I answered, guiltily. At the same time, I knew Liz was right.

Before my friend could answer, she looked up behind me. Our conversation was over.

"Hey ladies, I knew I would find you here." James greeted us, holding my shoulder. "Is your phone dead, babe? I called you a couple of times, but it sent me straight to voicemail."

I checked my back pocket for my phone. It was off. "Yes. I'm sorry. You needed me?"

"Was just going to ask you out to eat at a nice dinner. I don't have to run tomorrow, so we can stay a little late." He answered.